Hey Pandas, What's Your Smartest Savage Comeback? (Closed)

I was about 7 months pregnant with my third child and one of the many overly intrusive strangers I had to deal with came up and actually put her hand on my belly and asked when I was due. I tried to look offended and I said "I'm not". I never actually have seen anyone turn as red as that and she seemed speechless. I just walked away.

Someone being judgmental - "Oh, is God hiring?"

hmmmm... I don't know if this counts but I have a karen neighbor who I like to call Carrot bc her hair looks like a carrot to me and shes one of those "christian" karens, yk the ones who hate gay people and think "love thy neighbor" is conditional. Anyways, I have another neighbor who is really really cool and extremely self aware of his mentality because he has high functioning autism and some unknown mental illnesses. One day both are outside and he's making jokes about his autism because he got his final covid shot and she starts spouting completely seriously about conspiracy theories where the government puts trackers into the vaccine to watch us or something like that and he tries to talk with her for a minute but realizes the conversation is going in circles because she won't listen to any reasoning. He says "I don't want to argue so I'm just going to walk away" which to me seems extremely mature because he was self aware enough to walk away before getting angry/annoyed/upset, then my neighbor turns to me and starts talking bad about him saying hes so immature and its ridiculous that he would walk away when they weren't even arguing so I said something among the lines of "I'm going to do the same thing he did and walk away before this turns into an arguement too" but thats not all ppls, she goes "well of course you would take his side your a young person" like me being a teenager means I mindlessly follow other people? so I go "No i have my own opinions and my own feelings, me being younger has nothing to do with the fact that I agree with something he says or does" and then I walked away. Sorry if this was long.

At a wedding reception a very creepy older male in-law of my new sister-in-law took my 20-something sisters hand in a really passive aggressive way and started kissing up her arm saying some tripe about being a "beautiful girl".

Being in a "relaxed" state of mind instead of being aggressive in my own right I loudly declared: "unhand my sister you craven villain or I shall demand satisfaction on the field of valour" in the manner of a character in a period drama.

He let go like he'd be struck and scurried from the venue and didn't return. The look of gratitude from my sister was the most awesome I have ever received. She then began berating her soon to be ex boyfriend over his lack of action.

I have no idea where this perfect moment came from but created the ideal out come of humour and derision that highlighted his behaviour without escalation.

Later it became clear that he had been making inappropriate advances to many other women and girls as young as 12! If I'd known I might have assaulted him.

He was never seen in that family again.

Playing catch football with the youth group outside, there’s this one cocky kid always saying/doing stupid stuff to get attention, when the pastor’s daughter threw the football, he yelled in front of everyone “ ohh that throw sucks, you throw like a lil girl” I just came out and said “ yeah she does, but she throws better then you” shut him up

you must be one of those UNregistered sex offenders

Had some guy tell me to suck his d#*k- I said I would if I could find it then asked for a magnifying glass and tweezers.

This wasn't really a comeback but it was a really funny altercation. So I'm in a soccer match at Uni, I'm a defender so the striker is right next to me all game and he just keeps trash talking like, "oh yeah, your sister was great last night" and "the things she did...it was so dirty"...along those lines. So I'm just smiling along with him. So he's getting louder with it and more dirty until a teammate of mine got tired of it and was like, "dude, he doesn't even have a sister" and the guy was like "oh" so I replied, "I don't have any siblings so I was surprised to find out I had a sister, I'd love to meet her". Not as great as everyone else...it was just quite funny.

Idiot: Are you gay
Me: No
Idiot: You dress like a gay person
Me: And you dress like a b*****

Not mine, but I love this one. A friend of mine visited his parents while in university. One of his mums friends was over. Mum’s friend: “Wow, you’ve become fat.” Friend: “Wow, you’ve become old.”

I work at a casino. Where people spend all their money. Then they leave either happy they won. Or sulking (some are good humoured about it either way)

And at one point someone was complain that they didn’t win again. And I showed sympathy in which they replied “well you can’t even gamble here”

In which I stated “ Yep, but I always win money when I clock out”

(And believe me. I gamble every day i clock in...🙄)

F**k you?

My husband and I were hooked on a video game several years ago.

He got stuck on a level and just couldn't beat it. I managed to beat that level quite easily, and was quickly passing one level after another, getting further and further ahead of him.

He comes in the room, sees how far ahead I was, and starts (jokingly) complaining and talking cr@p to me.

I simply responded with "Hey man, don't hate the player; hate the game!"

Someone was talking, kept talking, wouldn't stop talking. I barely listened, just nodded when I had to. At some point I sneezed and my first reaction was: 'Oh, I'm sorry... I'm allergic to BS'
Everyone cracked up, talkative person stopped talking

{for some context, my parents are in their late forties, and my mom was not at this event} My uncle and my dad were talking, and mentioned something about a nude beach. I then asked "What nude beach?" and my uncle answered "That's where your parents go in Mexico when you not invited." I then acknowledged my dad and said, "Why would they want to embarrass themselves like that?"

|| This is when I visited a confectionary store ||
Shopkeeper ( Laughing) : Why are u so dark?
Me: Because I have more melanin . This makes me less prone to skin cancer.
Shopkeeper( Shrugging): What??!!
Me: Why r u so dumb?
Shopkeeper: *smiling in embarrassment*

P.S. I am an 17 yr old Indian with wheatish skin tone

Me:Yeah I'm bi does that offend you

Rude kid: yeah rumor had it you kissed a girl.

Me: at least I have

OK...I'll try to keep it clean.

A GF & I were out having dinner at a bar/restaurant when her ex walked over.
He was pretty drunk and yelled out, "How do you like that used pu*sy I left you?" I said, "It was just fine once I got past the 'used' part..." He walked away w/o another word....

My friend's older brother always likes to roast me when I come over. I always roast him back into silence, but the best convo goes like this: (Lets call him boy)

Boy: Haha! Small brain! Small brain! (He was talking abt me)

Me: At least I got a brain b****h!

He didn't roast me for a couple weeks after that.

my friend was telling me about a dream they had where their mum cut their hair off in the middle of the night to make a wig, and I said why would you want to make a wig out of a mop?
haha, we still laugh about it