Hey Pandas, What's Your Smartest Savage Comeback? (Closed)

Every year I shave my hair down to almost skin. And because of that, this happened at a bar.
DRUNK GUY: You one of them transexuals?
ME: No.
DRUNK GUY: You look like a transexual with that hair cut, girl.
ME: (Lying) I have cancer.
DRUNK GUY: Oh my God. I'm such an asshole. Damn. I'm sorry. What kind of cancer?
ME: Testicular.

"You don't look disabled"
"You don't look stupid, yet here we are."
I really said that.

Back when I was a teenage security guard at a supermarket, I was dealing with someone who would now be called Karen. She'd been stopped for theft, and kept spouting how she owned a Hotel chain. She was not happy at being stopped/caught, and angrily spat the words "I deal with jumped up little shits like you every day" to which I replied, without missing a beat, "What Security guards? Are you THAT bad at shoplifting you get caught every day?". The look on her face was priceless, and I can still see it 18 years on!

Worked as a waitress at a trucker stop.
Customer: Hey I heard that black girls are fun in bed, is that true?
Me (Black woman): I wouldn’t know I’ve never slept with one.

I don't care enough about you to judge you.

Your laxatives have backfired mate, the shites supposed to come out the other end

I once told my sister: "I thought the gravitational pull would be much greater when I got this close to the center of the universe!"

Once, my mom asked me if I was finished my homework. I told her “Yes, but you asked that everyday and yesterday you said that you rarely ever ask me that.” My mom said “Rarely means everyday!” And I said “YOU said you RARELY buy me pizza, so if rarely means EVERDAY, then get ne pizza everyday!” She stopped asking me that after.

Laugh, stop and say "Oh, you were serious." The classics always work.

A customer came in to our store and demanded to talk to the smartest person about one of our products. I started telling him about what he wanted. He ignores my technical advice and says things like "I'll do this," and "this should work."
I stopped talking. After a few minutes he noticed and asked about my silence.
I looked him dead in the eye and asked "Did you come here to speak to the smartest person or to be the smartest person."

After somebody asked a nonsensical question (can't remember what it was, it was THAT incomprehensible) I said "I could answer that, but then I'd have to pretend I understood what you asked"

My husband and I were eating burgers at a pub one night. An extremely intoxicated guy stumbled over to our table, pointed at me, and yelled at the whole restaurant, “Look everybody! We have a cannibal over here!” Everyone’s looking around like “wtf is he talking about?” He leans in to whisper to my husband and I, “You know? You are what you eat? You’re a cow?” Without missing a beat I responded, “Wow! You must eat a lot of d**k and ass.”

When I was a kid got called a smart a** and replied "better than a dumb a**"

Ex-barmaid here.

We had called time and I went out to collect glasses from the punters and the tables. A particular, nasty regular was acting the big man in a group, and was nursing the dregs of his pint. I asked the guys to drink up and Manky man said to me 'suck my f@cking c@ck'

I dunno where it came from but I deadpanned him and said 'I would but there is so much cheese on it, it would keep me in sandwhiches for a week!' His groupies exploded with laughter as he slammed down his glass and flounced out of the pub.
He was so horrible, used to spit at me in the street after that, along with language best suited to a sailor! Ah, I don't miss those days.

I would roast you but my mom said i can't burn trash.

The guy that I was with was being very LDO (Loud Drunk and Obnoxious) in a nice restaurant. When the waitress asked if we would like anything else I said, "Yes, may I have a different date please?" She said, "Sure thing! I'll go cruise the bar for you!"
He was poured into a cab and I drove my car home. We never met again.

I'd argue with you but I refuse to have a battle of the wits with an unarmed person.

I was at the zoo. I was wearing a black hat with a veil and black roses, along with a spiked choker. I was taking a break in front of the sea lion exhibit when I saw some kids banging on the glass, as kids do. I went up to them. "Hey, don't tap on the glass. It scares them." An old lady who was probably their aunt or grandma or something was right behind me. "Pretty sure your look scares them more." I turned towards her. "Pardon?" She looked down at me. "You heard me. Your look scares them more." I stepped back, temporarily stung. After a moment, I smirked. "Good. That's the point." I walked away and sat back down on the bleachers, the family and the old lady walked away. I have to admit, it felt good to know someone thought I was scary.
Another occurrence was when my mom made a joke. My dad did a weird fake laugh thing. I interjected with "That laugh was so dry, it made the Gobe desert look like the Atlantic Ocean."

One of my coworkers was asking me what I was doing in the lunchroom and questioned why I was on break. I told him that I didn’t realize you were the hall monitor.

(My comment about a photo of Trump posing with a baseball bat) - "My grandma would look more natural holding a bat - and she's dead."