Hey Pandas, Whats Your Deep Dark Secret?

Find a good, local, Bible believing church. People will down vote this, but sweetie you need the Lord. You need His forgiveness. He came here for the purpose of taking the punishment for your sin if you’ll put your faith in Him. Praying for you. And ignore the naysayers.

TW- Suicidal tendencys and self harm. Okay so this is going to be really long and I apologize. Basically, I'm a terrible person and I hurt all those around me and I don't deserve to live.

Ever since I was young, I've had behavior issues. I'd throw temper tantrums for hours on end, and my mom would put me in "holds" and I'd headbutt her head and I actually broke her nose once and now she can't breathe as well as she should. I'm the youngest of three, and my older brothers (by +2 years and +4 years) were angles compared to me. Let's call the oldest 1 and the second oldest 2. I would do anything to get any kind of sugar, including steal. I would sneak bags of brown sugar up into my room and stuff my face full of it. I'd leave food around my room, in drawers, and under sinks, and would attract vermin (unintentionally). Once in 5th grade, I stole about 100$ from my mom's wallet, and on the way back from swim team (I biked) I went to Walgreens and bought a ton of candy. I was gone for about an hour, and my parents were freaking out. Did I mention I lie automatically? And my parents did nothing wrong and I have no trauma or any reason to be this terrible? No? welp. It gets worse. My parents were so scared by this, that my mom took me to Kroger and bought me all the candy I wanted. That night, I ate about 300g of sugar. They counted. My behavior issues were continuing, and I'd claim to be depressed or suicidal. My parents took me to a therapist, and I got better. I got diagnosed as pre-type 1 diabetic, and put me on a low sugar diet. They put me on antidepressants to help regulate my mood. a couple of years later, in 8th grade, I tried to kill myself. I forget what exactly had happened, but I had snuck a knife up into my room and was going to cut myself. I had already been making other cuts on my arms and legs, but I was determined to take things to the next level. Somehow or other, my parents came into my room at night and asked me if I was safe. When I said no, they took me to the hospital in the city. We spent the whole night there. From then I got better, and we didn't talk about that again. However, this entire time that I was getting better, I'd still revert back to the sugar. Last year, I got into a huge fight with my friends, they called me a liar and a b!tch and said I was faking my diagnosis. One girl, M, was spreading rumors about me and telling people not to be my friend. I took it really hard and ended up being gaslighted. I still think that I was being the b!tch and not them, but my parents won't let me think anything bad of myself regarding that situation. At the beginning of this school year, I started to get really depressed. Actually, this was before school started, 3 days before. To give you an idea, I go to a really competitive public high school in the US. We're ranked in the top 100 in the US and got blue ribbon hs for the 2nd year in 15 years. Not to mention, we're upper-middle class. For example, it's not uncommon to take APChem (advanced placement, it's a college course) without taking chemistry, as a sophomore. (I'm doing that right now) There have only been 3 people not going to college in the past 5 years out of a AA school. And out of all this, my older brother 1 graduated top of the district. He took AP Chem before he was even in high school, and freshman year my parents forced him to take regular Physics to not overload him. The professor kicked him out. And had him take BC Physics, and skip AB Physics. Right now he's studying Astro-physics at the top uni in the state. The Sunday before school started (which was a Wednesday), my parents and I got into a fight. What I got out of it was I'm not as good as 1 and I never will be. (they never said that, I was going through a lot of sh!t and I am very emotional) (pt 1) I ran out of room lol

PT 2 TW - SUICIDE ATTEMPT My course load this year is rough. I'm taking AP Chem, APUSH, honors precalc (most are taking geometry), Honors English 2, Honors German 2, and Honors Chorale (choir). I'm a sophomore (year 10) I was also stressed about going back to school with M as we had a class where we weren't able to schedule around it as it was the only teacher/period in the school. So that night, I took a bunch of p!lls and yeah. My mom came in and asked me if I was safe. I ended up taking the ambulance to the city hospital again. That night I was in the ER, and my mom kept on throwing up until they had to take her to the adult hospital bc she passed out. I ended up staying in the psych ward for the week and missed school. The bad part is, I didn't feel regret about it. I was diagnosed with reactive depression and chronic anxiety. Its been 3 months since that happened, and I get moments like rn where I just can't do any work. Not to mention, I can't stop eating candy. I tried, and it didn't work. I feel so out of control and helpless and I just wish I could stop living like this. Pls if you have advice Ill do it Ill do anything. Therapy isn't working anymore and I just feel sick of it all.

TL;DR I have behavior issues, hurt my parents, sugar problems, stole money for sugar, got suicidal, got suicidal again and actually came really close, diagnosed with reactive depression and chronic anxiety, and I still feel bad while everyone thinks I'm getting better pls help me.