Hey Pandas, What's Your Best Comeback? (Closed)

Your laxatives have backfired, the shite's supposed to come out the other end

I said something and someone went "that's just in your world" i immediately said "my world is called reality"

This one is simple and works in a variety of situations...

"How embarassing, did you mean to say that out loud?"

Well you’re so narrow minded you can look through a keyhole with both eyes!

Not that I hate you. . .but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

~SAY AT YOUR OWN RISKS~
If someone says get a life. Say- Like yours? Nah, pass.
If someone rolls their eyes say- Keep rolling those eyes and maybe you'll find a brain back there.
If someone says you're so dumb. Say- oh well... once you know everything you should know when to shut up
If someone says did I ask? Say- Then why are you still listening.
If someone says you're fat say- at least I can lose weight but you cant lose your ugly face.
If someone says im hotter than you guys say- sure, you dont need makeup... You need plastic surgery
if someone says I dont like you say- that's a shame cause my middle finger seems to like you
if someone says no one would ever date you say- tell your boyfriend that- then wink and walk away.
if someone says I know a lot of stuff about you say- is your a$$ jealous of the $h!t coming out of your mouth?
HAVE fun! But also be aware that these might make things worse... :)

Everyone in my class doing math work. My friend: teacher, I have a problem. My teacher: I know, I’ve been trying to tell your parents

When someone calls me a name, I correct them by saying they mispronounced a word or misspelled it (if it’s via text or email) and provide them with a more appropriate adjective that describes me.

Guy I know (via text): Women are so dramatic! 🙄
Me: You misspelled “determined.” 😂

My best friend (said in jest): You’re such an idiot! 😂
Me: You pronounced “intellectual” as “idiot.” You should really learn correct English pronunciations. 😂 “I’m such an intellectual.”

When ever a guy says ‘that’s what she said’ I say ‘not to you she doesnt’

A "pro-lifer" asked me, "You mean, women should decide who lives and who dies?" I replied, "You men have been doing that for thousands of years."

A woman was ranting at me one day, I held up my hand to stop her talking and said." I would love to have a battle of wits with you but you are totally unarmed" That shut her up.

When someone is spouting crap, claiming free speech, I
like to reply, "The first amendment means you can't be arrested for things you say. It doesn't mean I have to put up with your bullshit."

At one point in middle school, while on the bus home, one girl told me that I'd never be popular. The girl wasn't exactly the prettiest person either so I shot back "And you think you're gonna be prom queen?"

~Being a d**k won’t make yours any bigger
~Please move out of the sunlight I hate the smell of burning plastic
~I may not be perfect but at least I ain’t you
~ Better shut your mouth or the next thing coming out of it will be teeth, not bullshit
~What doesn’t kill you. Severely disappoints me.

Just a few I’ve said to annoying people, say at your own risk.

Back when I was a bartender (in my early 30s), a bunch of college guys came into my bar. The ringleader walked up to me and said, "You know what? I have a 12-inch d*ck." I replied, "Yeah? Where are you measuring from? Your a$$hole?" His friends nearly fell on the floor laughing at him.

if someones being rude or annoying, in your best yoda voice say "a sh*t, i don't give" and walk away

I love you. You're beautiful, you look great, are smart, and/or important. Confuses angry people everytime & usually makes people laugh.

1. You're a very uneducated potato
2. Try eating all that makeup. Maybe you'll be pretty on the inside too.
3. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you
4. It's a shame you're not half the man your mom is
5. Too bad your mind isn't as sharp as your tongue
6. Your inferiority complex is totally justified
7. I'm impressed! You used your entire vocabulary in a single sentence!
8. Uber drivers beware: if you drop this person off, you'll be fined for littering
9. I'm not offended by what you say - I'm proud of you for stringing words into full sentences now
10. You should try one of those journeys to find yourself! (Guys, don't tell them they won't actually find anything. I'm just hoping they'll look - they'll be gone forever!)

My sister uses this one:
Some guy: "Women belong in the kitchen."
My sister: "Of course, that's where the knives are."

Not my best, but one of my recent. Had some idiot tell me, "Yeah, whatever, go back to the kitchen, b***."

Replied, "Well what are you doing out here? Go fix a car or something. The grill isn't going to light itself, f*cker."