Hey Pandas, What's The Funniest Thing Your Parents Have Said To You? (Closed)

My mom 98 yrs and I were shopping for slacks. I brought samples to her dressing room and she thought they were all too short in the crotch. As I was going to get more slacks for her to try, she yelled, " and no more pus$y pinchers!". I almost died of embarrassment..

My mom, after having a hysterectomy told me very enthusiastically "The cribs empty but the play pens open!" Followed by her unique loud laugh. Aw mom, no couth on that woman haha😆

When I can out as a bisexual to my mom, she said "I don't care if you eat (male anatomy) or (female anatomy). As long as they make you happy, they are good enough for me." I laughed and cried of happiness and embarrassment. Better than my dad's response, who just said "But you still like boys, right?" He also hates when I wear 'lesbian clothing'.

My dad was drinking, when he drinks he gets either very sad or very blank, but he came into my room. Look me dead In the eyes and STARTED CRYING, I asked if he was alright and he wanted to tell me the ice cream I bought was “really fricken bussin”. He’s in his 40s….

One Christmas when I was a kid I asked my dad if I could put out milk & cookies for Santa. He looked at me, completely stressed out from assembling bikes and other toys for my younger siblings. He replied that this Christmas Santa probably wanted a glass of scotch and a pack of Winston's.

Not sure about the funniest, but this was recent. My dad said to me: ‘You look like you’re hitchhiking through hell.’

My mom saying that her favorite quote in W***y Wonka is "don't touch that squirrels nuts little girl"

I don't know about the funniest. But lately I was rolling dough for sugar cookies and it was a difficult process but I was getting the hang of it. I was just finishing, feeling proud of myself for doing a good job, when my Mom came and looked over my shoulder. She watched for a second, then patted my arm and said, "Don't worry, you'll get better as you go," and walked away.😂
Most passive-aggressive comment I've ever received.

“Don’t close the microwave with ur foot”

Let’s just say we’re a weird family. :)

My mother would have fitted nicely in a Victorian drama. One day, as I walked out ready for a date, she told me my slip was showing and that I'd better fix it. "After all, a woman should never look like she is wearing any underwear."

My late father always had a ribald, risque sense of humor, and even though he was a terrible singer he always loved to sing. There was this particular little ditty he was fond of singing at any given opportunity: "Oh, she washed it and she douched it and she sprinkled it with powder/But all it did was made the smell a little louder!" Zero guesses what the "it" was.

FYI, this was the same man who, when he was a boy, called a bow-legged nun who taught at his Catholic grade school "Wyatt Earp".

When I was little, my dad always had the best answer to stupid questions: "aunt Hildegard"...

"Where are we going?" "To see aunt Hildegard!"
"What's that?" "Aunt Hildegard's coffee table!"
And so on.

We don't have an aunt named Hildegard, we don't even know anyone with that name... XD

Well, this year I hooked up the Christmas tree to my baby Yoda themed Clapper (that thing where you clap your hands to turn on lamps). I kept clapping, but it wouldn’t turn on. My dad walked in and managed to turn it on (he’s always clapped really loudly), and, from the kitchen, my mom shouted:
"Your dad has the clap!"

As soon as my dad and my mom got married she immediately became abusive and controlling. Two years later I’m born and it continues. Fast forward 13 years and my dad is still unable to leave the relationship with me. But, suddenly my mom completely ditches us. She took most of our savings and just left. About a week after this happened my dad randomly says “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I’m gay”. Like what 💀. Apparently my mom was so horrible my dad started becoming attracted to men.
He has now been dating his boyfriend Terry for two years.
I still think it’s hilarious.

When my brother said something funny my parents said “that’s about as funny as a beholder eating a squirrel” (D&D reference)

I'll have to be careful with words here, but many years ago (40 years maybe) I went with my Mum to buy some nails and bolts and the other thing that goes with them, and these items were only sold in packs. My Mum announced, in front of everyone: "When I was young you could go to a shop and ask for a one s***w, and you'd get it"
Stunned silence. I was laughing all the way home. Mum never did understand what she'd said. Bless her.

Another one here---my dad once held up a magazine cover with President Obama on it and asked me "do you know who this is?" I responded "Ludacris". This was in front of my dad's friends, too. I still don't know how I knew who Ludacris was when I was five.

"Stop painting! It's time to go to art class!"

My mother told me, when I was acting up in a mall at the tender age of four, that I was behaving like a "daughter of a b!#&h." I gazed directly into my mother's eyes and said "if I'm behaving like a daughter of a b-word, then who's the b-word".

My dad, sister and I were watching Night at the Museum 2 one day, and unbeknownst to us, my mom was standing behind us watching too(it hard to explain, but there’s a gap in our living room wall to make space for the spiral staircase, and people can stand there without being seen). In that movie, there is a scene with a giant octopus, and right when it tumbled out of its box, my mom yelled “Squid!” and scared the c**p out of us.