Hey Pandas, What Was The Moment When You Realized You Were In A Toxic Friendship Or Relationship?

I used to date this person. They always tried to “control me” by saying who I could and couldn’t be friends with, told me to stay away from them so I dont “embarrass them with my silly outfit” and would make my friends leave me by spreading false rumors.

TW: mentions of suicide and malnutrition (Loosely there but thought I should mention)

For me I'd have to say after the Friendship ended. I'll call this person B. We had been friends for about four years and had discussed lots about our lives and been quite open and B was someone I trusted a lot. I would even go to call him my best friend. After it ended due to issues, (to make a long story short he was saying he was obsessed with me so we shouldn't be friends, etc.) some things came to light. Like how he'd mention how he wasn't a healthy weight often, but never eat, I mean you could see his ribs decently well. This alone being mentioned is fine, and maybe he has an eating disorder I'm not certain, but he would use it as a tool to gain attention and affection from me often. He would mention it, so I would tell him to go grab food, but oh he wasn't hungry, and so on so forth until he seemed done with that attention. Also repeatedly would mention thoughts of self harm or suicide, sometimes even attempts when I would do stuff that made him unhappy. For example he was making people feel uncomfortable at a D&D session we were at so he left. Then later texted saying he expected me to at least see if he was okay.(I had intended to give him space to cool off because I thought that was what he needed after storming out) He also mentioned he purposefully crossed a major road at a very dangerous spot without a crosswalk hoping he would get hit due to the D&D incident. Stuff like this happened throughout my 4 years of knowing him. He would use how he was feeling to gain my time seeing as I would often drop everything to check on him because I knew he was struggling. (not a great thing on my part, and I'm working on it.) In short, my ex Bestfriend, who I won't deny definitely has struggled a lot in life, would use the fact that I cared about him to, in a sense, steal my health and my time and my attention.

when they left me for a girl they knew for months

They were my best friends of three years but then this girl came and spread rumors about me

Two years ago, at age 50, when I became homeless for 40 days. That's when I realized every time I lost a friend, a job, a girlfriend, a spouse, a rent, my parents were involved. I never noticed before because they are kind and loving to me. But all they ever did was destroy my life in order to keep me dependant to them, to keep me as their child. Every city, every town I would move to, they would follow me, meet my friends, my girlfriends, my landlord, my neighbours, my bosses. Then things would start to go downhill, and then my parents would be there to rescue me. I just can't believe it took me so long to see it. That's when I realized I'd rather live on the street than go back to live with my parents again for the 4th or 5th time since I left at 19. I now live in a new town, have a nice place, with a good job and a kind and loving girlfriend, and they will never meet my parents.

she pulled my hair and called me fat, ugly, and that I should kill myself. partly the reason I'm now seeing a therapist. 12 years old and seeing a fricking therapist.

They were running a community cafe facilitating workshops etc by ex-drug addicts....while openly talking about how much fun they've had with drugs. Would also happily chat about the time they did class A's with their daughter. A truly vile pos.

Wow. This is deep for BP. Okay. Well I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. Everyone around me tried to clue me in but I was young and dumb. I woke up to my reality when he took me and his new side dish to Las Vegas then left me in the room all day and came back only to put me in a Taxi headed for the Greyhound station. She took all my clothes, my jewelry, my bad decisions.... I had 22 hours on a bus to think through my life and decide to go back to my parents. Glad I did though because I started dating my perfect (now) hubby a few months later. I wish I had woken up sooner though. Like when he pointed a gun at my face and told me not to make friends with the neighbors. I was so stupid. Now I fight for abused women (and abused men) because no one should stay in a toxic relationship.

Had a best friend couple of years ago... I told her three weeks before I was thinking of cutting my hair and she said, "I kind of like my friends more when they have longer hair". I thought to myself F,U!!! I cut my hair anyway and then she told me that I looked ugly, needless to say, we're not friends anymore.

Okay, we have this tight family friend. We'll call her Z. We've grown up close to her and her daughter, C. Z's sister also had kids, who she ended up adopting because she wasn't a very good caretaker and was rather abusive. The oldest one the same age as I was, had been through a lot and was in a terrible mental state. I had decided to try and make the oldest, we'll call him Tim, comfortable. (Tim is trans (FTM) and bi) We'd message over the phone regularly and we're getting to know one another when he sends me a message asking, "So, are...Am I supposed to talk to people about, y'know, hurting yourself?" I responded with saying that he should tell Z so that way he can get the proper help needed. I also sent him some hotline numbers just in case. He sent a simple, "K" and went offline. A couple days later, we were on a video call and his sister stole his phone to talk with me. In the background I heard Tim yell, "I love you," before there was a high pitched yell and the call ended. A little bit later he calls back and starts yelling at me that I never said I love you back. I tried to laugh it off and keep talking, but he continued being salty about it for the rest of the call. Before he hung up he said I love you and gave me an expecting look until I said I love you too.

2 days later we were talking again and he starts talking sh*t about one if my little sisters. I got really stiff and just started nodding. After that, he started talking about how Z was mean and abusive and yells at him for no reason. I've known Z longer than he has, she literally lives with us for the better part of my childhood. She's calm, sweet, and never acts that way ever, especially since that was how her parents and partners treated her. Tim started saying that Z yelled him because she caught him harming himself and yelled at him saying he was not trust worthy. (After checking with Z and my own parents, Z had found Tim hurting himself and had simply told him he wasn't allowed near sharps and how she was going to keep a closer eye on him.)

Over the course of a week had steadily made it known that he didn't approve of anyone I hung out with, my family, and how I didn't reciprocate his 'love' well enough. He sent me a message one day and said he was going to un-alive himself. I started panicking for half an hour, telling him to take some deep breaths, talk with Z and that he can make it out of this. He simply ended the conversation saying, "Fine. I'll just lay in my dark room alone, but being alive hurts more than death would. I don't want any more help, they just make things worse, but I'll stay alive for you."

I ended up hitting up my therapist, where she helped me realize that he had been manipulating me to get emotional gratification. From there I got help from my friends and parents to help me properly distance myself so I wouldn't get hurt. Tim still refuses to cooperate with his therapists and will fake his way out of mental health hospitals.

My brothers gf. I noticed it the moment my mum told me about a time that he wouldn’t buy a £600 rug she liked and she ignored him for the day. There an online relationship, me and my mother have tried to tell him a lot that she is controlling and he ignores us.

Many of my exes have sexually assaulted me and they always found a way to explain or excuse what they did and I felt trapped and scared to leave or say something. One day it happened in front of my best friend and that’s when she told me I deserved so much better because not only was I being traumatized, she was too. I finally got up the courage and told him straight up that I deserved better and that he was a manipulative *sshole.

When I said "I don't feel like I'm a priority in your life" and he responded "You're not."

Toxic “Best Friend”. There were multiple red flags (in order)

1. She laughed when I told her that someone close to me was in the hospital and I was worried for her.

2. Ignored me every time I tried to talk to her.

3. Gave me tons of dirty looks.

4. And now since I dropped her due to the toxicity, she is trying to steal my friends. :/

My cousin (let's call her "L") and I both realized we were in a problematic relationship with the rest of our family when we were about 13 years old. In L's immediate family, she was subject to a case of favouritism when it came down to her and her younger sister. Her parents always took the side of the sister, and we didn't really catch on to how problematic they were until the younger sister started taking advantage of the favouritism and basically harassing us, physically and mentally. I was always close to L and I knew about the harassment, I was even a victim of it every chance that was given to that bratty child. Our parents/uncles/aunts found out about the harassment, and they still sided with the younger one because of her age (she was not incredibly young, she was perfectly capable of making her own decisions and understanding the gravity of them). This didn't change as she got older, we were just told that she's "still our sister/cousin" and that we'd have to deal with it. My side of the family was slightly different; I didn't have my dad around growing up, so my mom was my only source of guardianship. She wasn't too bad, because she left me alone most of the time, but she was always pointing out and making fun of my insecurities when we did interact. Everything that happened was blamed on me. I didn't talk to her voluntarily for a while until I felt the need to voice how uncomfortable I was around my grandparents. Speaking of them, my grandparents were the people who created my insecurities in the first place, always calling me skinny and telling me that I would get fat someday. It gave me a complex that I'd never be of healthy weight, I'd always be under or over and there was no middle ground. This was really damaging to my self-esteem, so I finally approached my mom, hoping she would listen. She screamed at me and told me that it was a compliment and that I should be grateful that my grandparents were trying to spend time with me since they "wouldn't be around for much longer." Then there was the mutual grandma I shared with L; and oh my god was that a nightmare. L ate a lot while I ate a little, and she always compared us to each other. She'd tell me that I was too skinny, and warn L that she'd get too fat. She'd belittle us for our clothes, interests, appearances, everything. She would even talk about us behind each other's backs. With everything piling up, I think that's when it really clicked for me and L that our family was toxic and that we only had each other. We're still really close; not so much to our family.
TL;DR: Me and my cousin experienced favouritism, harassment, and overall problematic behavior from our family and finally realized how toxic it was.

When she hit me in front of other people at a club one night.

There were other signs, like complaining I don't pay enough attention to her (she would say that to me, while I was working), always having to go out (to "make an appearance" at the club).

Then, not coming home till very late (3am-ish). When I would try to spend time with her, she would then say she was busy.

Then, the last straw, was when she went out with another guy on Valentines Day. I didn't even get the courtesy of a break-up. She said "It was rude to cancel plans with someone", that was her excuse.

I also found out she had a cocaine habit (she hid it well).

I saw her a few times after that at the clubs, but didn't talk to her or even acknowledge her. Apparently that really pissed her off too.

But now, years later, I realize I had "dodged the proverbial bullet" and was far better off without her.

Last summer I found myself homeless and exhausted. Felt like I had some kind of a metal bar stuck at the bottom of my back (one with shards) and when the firemen took me to the hospital, I couldn't even make it down the truck (in France firemen deal with medical emergencies). I understood very quickly that they were going to monitor me and before they had my phone turned off, I called my best friend of 21 years to tell him I probably wouldn't make it. I was too dazed and screaming in agony to realize what I told him and never suffered a similar humiliation in my life. We said our goodbyes and the nurses and staff worked on me.

Turned out I survived but I don't know how. They left me out after possibly one week, I have no precise memories. I was exhausted and had kidney problems, my heart could have stopped anytime.

Best friend never called back. Didn't send a text or email or send a pigeon. It dawned on me that to I was dead to him. Many months after that I called him and he told me that I had said "farewell" and to him that was that.

I have no real hate towards him, because that would be too much of a gratification. I'll never forgive him for that though, also for sending me pictures of his posh new apartment as I was sleeping on the pavement, or reproaching me for talking about the fact I had been raped in a shelter for the homeless. Turns out to me that it was sheer cruelty and that he drops people when they're down. So here it is, f^^k you, Arnold.

Last summer, as I was homeless, I felt like I had a metal bar at the bottom of my back. Walking was impossible and once the firemen took me in charge I couldn't even walk down their truck (in France firemen deal with medical emergencies, also the hospital is very far from town).

I was screaming in agony and when I realized they were going to monitor me I freaked and called my best friend of 21 years to tell him I probably wouldn't make it. Can't remember the specifics as the pain was so intense and I could barely breathe. And then I literally just collapsed and woke up much much later with an IV in my arm and morphine in my bloodstream.

So, turns out I didn't die after all. I sent a text- no answer. Then I found an apartment. Then it dawned on me that he hadn't bothered sending me pictures of his posh new apartment when I was still technically sleeping outside and weather was getting icy. I remembered how he felt uncomfortable with the fact I had been raped by two young guys at a shelter for the homeless. So I texted him that. He told me "I'll give you a call tomorrow, but remember, you said "goodbye"". And then he had this sweet word "I know you're still going to say it's my fault if you were raped" (I never said that before).

So, there it is, and for all the good times, the complicity, the generosity, he waited for me to be at my lowest ebb to let me down and even a little bit downer- f^^k you, Arnold.

When one of my best friends from grad school stopped returning my calls when it was MY turn to need a favor.

I had met her in 5th grade, (this girl was my BFF, like I actually thought she was my best frind) she was fine but in 6th she started acting like she knew it all. She would get mad at me for talking to guys and would always say mean stuff. 7-8th grade she would always make it about her. She would tell me that people hate me and dont want to be my friends anymore (she was lying) I would say I like someone and she would lie and say "Oh I have liked them long before you but its okay ill back off" EVERY SINGLE TIME! I could easily tell when she was lying. She would make plans but "cancel" last minute, only for me to find out she took someone else. I would get excited about things or someone would compliment me and she would say "they dont mean it" "oh they say that to everyone" "I dont care" etc. She would spread rumors and manipulate others into hating me. She would talk c**p ab my friends even after I asked her to not. She would say im her BFF but say the exact same thing to other people. She would also make me do things for her. Anytime I talked to somebody she liked or used to (the people she liked I was good friends with) she would get all pissed off and yell and scream at me. If I was upset she wouldnt be there for me, she had no sympathy. Theres lots more, but those were the main reasons. The final straw was when she was being ABSOLUTELY disrespectful to a close friend. I noped out of there and told her I dont want to be friends anymore. It was really hard at first because there was a few times she was a good friend. But my freind group reminded me of all the bad things she did. We actually got in several verbal fights because she spread rumors that I cussed her out and called her a b***h. I completely ignore her now, and the people who took my side IK are my true friends. Me and the ex BFF are chill now, we dont talk but we at least tolerate each other. (DANG THATS A LOT OF WORDSS)

When my daughter and her boyfriend began to take over our apartment, made it so that I didn't even want to come out of my room, and began literally dictating my whole life, even down to what I could and couldn't eat. Then the other day they freaked out because they found out I had borrowed a straw (the reusable metal kind, of which there are 20) without asking. It's A STRAW!. They took my tablet away as a punishment, and when they were both yelling at me my daughter comes out with 'I feel like I should just slap you' and she was serious. This is all her boyfriend. He hates me and has insidiously worked to turn her against me, egging her on to magnify every childhood wrong she feels she endured. If she had a different boyfriend, this would not be happening. She's obsessed with him and their relationship, to the point where she would go to work with him (he's an arborist) and sit in the car all day and watch him work. Not because she doesn't trust him, she just can't stand to be away from him. I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go, and no one to help me. If I claimed domestic violence, I would have to be the the one who leaves because he's on the lease and I have no proof, as it's all psychological abuse I don't think they will ever get their own place anytime soon, as they can't afford it because they blow their money on expensive things like cookware and electronics, and my daughter says she won't leave until she's sure I can manage on my own. I'm disabled, and they're forcing me to get a job. The other day my daughter said that if I don't get a job, they will lock me out and put me on the street. And they have locked me out for a short time a couple of times. I don't know what to do. He's convinced his own family that I'm a terrible person, so I can't even go to his grandma, who raised him, for help.