Hey Pandas, What Was The Moment When You Realized You Were In A Toxic Friendship Or Relationship?

When I felt completely drained after being around them. It was always about them and their issues and they complained constantly. I needed a good rest after being around them. I tried to save the friendship and said that it was affecting my mental health, they made it about them and how awful I was for putting my issues on them. I then walked away and never looked back.

Toxic mother. It took me 42 years and becoming a mum to figure out that my mom is a different person to other people and they adore her. To her only daughter, she is mean, competitive and knows no boundaries and would not respect my privacy, especially if it would get her attention. The worse it was, the more the martyr she can play. There is so much more, but you get the idea. I went no contact 7 years ago and I am a stronger woman. I am sad because as a mother, I just don't understand her behavior. Jealousy? Perhaps. Definitely sick.

Best friends with this kind of odd ball kid since first grade (and by oddball I would later learn he was a sociopath). I liked hanging around with him for 2 decades because we'd always get into fun situations. He was ADD and completely impulsive, so it balanced with my low energy conservativism. We always came away with a fun story. It was great - while we were kids. The stories were always about playing paintball in the middle of the night, or sneaking into concerts or something. Innocent, mostly harmless stuff. But when we became adults, the adventures changed. I long knew he only called me when he needed something or on his terms. That was fine, since I had a life outside of our friendship anyway. Slowly, over time, the things he needed got less and less innocent - money because he lost his job, bail for a dui, etc. The final straw was when he asked me to double on a blind date with a girl he met online. She wanted to bring a friend for safety. Smart enough, I guess. I agreed, sounded fun. Wasn't until I showed up that I learned, they were 15. We were 21 and 22. I was appalled. I refused to get them booze, and we just sat by a bonfire for a couple hours with my friend getting visibly more annoyed. He started being aggressive and moody, which I knew was not a good sign. I pulled my "date" aside and told her straight up that they were being stupid and her friend was on a bad path. She agreed and we eventually dropped them off at her home. They dodged that bullet, and I hope learned their lesson. I told him that he was way out of line. He said she'd lied about her age (yeah right) and he wouldn't have done anything. I didn't buy it. Never answered his calls again. He later went to prison for, you guessed it, statutory rape. Wish I'd done more at the time, but I was just happy to get out of there as cleanly as we did.

When I was with them, I would always get interrupted, and nobody really cared about what I said. Someone genuinely said “Nobody cares” when I started saying something
I stopped hanging out with them after that

i only noticed when my friends told me. before then, i never realised he was manipulating me. he kept telling me to lose weight but he said it in such a way i just felt it was right and he told me to put more makeup on. when he did it around my friends they were like “he’s a f—kin a$$hole- drop him.” and i did. they’re my friends and they are usually right. they were. as soon as i dropped him i sorta went back to normal. i hadn’t lost a drastic amount of weight but i was already underweight anyway so being called fat didn’t help. he’s gone now and i don’t know where, nor do i care. TRUST YOUR FRIENDS

When he told me it was my fault he cheated on me.

I grew up very sheltered. My parents didn't allow me to date as school was more important for them, then me learning my own personal boundaries. I joined the military straight out of school, and met my first ever girlfriend. At first she was great, then later she slowly changed. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. If I accidently bumped into another woman and appologised to her, then I was flirting with said other woman. I was constantly accused of cheating, I was constantly told how I am not considering her feelings. At the time is was in that "love is blind" faze, and i just thought in my limited experience that this is the way things should be. The breaking point came when 3 of my brothers in arms died, and I was pretty messed up about it, as I was to late to save them.

I spoke to her a couple of times when I returned to home base, and she was just not interested in my pain and grief. Eventually she gives me an ultimatum, I stop crying over my dead friends or I break up with her because I cannot give her the 100% attention she deserves. Well, the blinders was taken off, and I saw her for the narcissistic person she was. Dumped her on the spot. Blocked her number, deleted her number (this was still the days before facebook, so blocking and deleting was about it)

Soon after I started getting messages through mutual friends how she knows she messed up and she is sorry and is trying to reach out to me. One of her friends even told me she was pregnant, but added that she thinks the baby isn't mine, as I was gone for 4 months, but my ex was pregnant for 2 months, and she knew my ex cheated on me at least 4 times with different men during out relationship.

I saw her twice after the break up. The first time was about a year after we broke up, in a shop, but she was hiding from me, and when I approached she ran out the store.

The second time was about 10 years later, I was on a visit at her home town, and needed to deposit some money. She was the teller at the bank I went to. I grew a beard since then, and different hairstyle, so at first she didn't recognize me, until she saw my ID. The look of shock on her face was priceless. I wasn't mean to her, but didn't engage in idle chit chat. A few days later she tracked me down on Facebook, and she messaged me, asking out about my life, if I am married, have kids, single, etc. I simply told her that she gave up the privilege to know of my life when she gave me the ultimatum. She had the oddacity to tell me that I neglected her during my time of mourning. That's when I knew she didn't change. I told her I knew that she cheated on me, I know her first born isn't mine, and that even though I don't have any negative feelings towards her anymor, she should never contact me again as I can see she didn't change. I wished her a long and happy life, and then blocked all her friends from her Facebook account, and then blocked her.

When they made plans without me, but called the next day to tell me what a great time that they had...

I was called by a woman in our friend circle who proceeded to gossip about my (at the time) BFF, it was a bit of a touchy story and although i secretly agreed with some of the things this woman said I very firmly took my friends side . She asked me not to tell my friend, which at first I agreed to but then later, after thinking about it decided to tell my friend what was being said about her, i mean i would want to know if the town was talking about me. It was an error on my part for which I have learnt a valuable life lesson. My BFF went off on a wild rampage. She ended up screaming and shouting at the top of her lungs at this other woman and got the neighbour's involved, it was an embarr scene for all of us. I sat by and just watched this unfold, a little dumbfounded, the story didnt warrent her reaction. Later that day my friend took me on and accused me of things I hadn't done and blamed me for not screaming and shouting along with her. She then told me she needed a break and wants her space. I apologized but said I would accept her boundaries. Her birthday came around, I sent her a birthday message, she had a party and didn't invite me. She unfollwed me on all social media etc. I sent her a gift, which was dropped off for her as she still wasn't speaking to me. She sent me a message telling me how it's obvious how little our friendship meant to me and I've disappointed her. When I reminded her that she said she wanted a break and needed her space she replied with "you should have known better". Yeah, at that point I realized how much I'd been manipulated during our friendship

When she started answering for me. I might be deaf but I can speak just fine with my hearing aids in, and I didn't need her to answer for me. Also, she started picking out my clothes, and calling me my deadname. That last part was the final straw, and I said goodbye. Two years later, I've started HRT and I'm the happiest I've ever been with Connor (my boyfriend). A few days ago, Emilie (my toxic ex) reached out to me on WhatsApp, and said she was willing to try again. I left her on read. I'm done with her, and I'm never going back.

My dad. I knew by 16 or so that love wasn't possible, and it wasn't my fault he was what he was. No one thing snapped, just... it all fell into place, and I remember the sense of loss at having to give up hope, and having to pretend I hadn't given up caring what he thought/felt. (That was dangerous.) So... Yeah. Still didn't save me from other mistakes over a few years, but... That's the first one.

When she called me a terrible friend after I’d been her walking diary for almost 10 years. That hurt

I didn't realize until my mother intervened. She had hit me, put my siblings in danger, isolated me, started rumors about me, told all my friends and people at my church how terrible I was to her, constantly started fights, she never respected my boundaries, everything had to be about her, if I was doing something with family she got mad that she wasn't invited and demanded that she get to go, if I was asked to do something she would do it before me so that I would look lazy, she was never respectful to the people I cared about and blamed it all on how nobody loved her. That girl was my best and ONLY friend for five years.

When I found she was hosting sex parties at my home while I was deployed to Iraq

"Not everything is about you, [Random person]" - my 4th grade "friends" when I tried to confront them.

We were inseparable in 3rd grade. Then summer came. I later found out that they hung out over the summer without me. Did I care? No, because it didn't affect us at first. I mean... I was a little hurt that they didn't care to invite me, because we were all basically neighbors and out parents were in contact, but I brushed it off. Cut to September that year. They started acting different. Small things, like spending a day or two without me. This was out of the ordinary, because as mentioned before, we were inseparable. Their overall behavior didn't change yet, so I still didn't care. Big mistake. Another month passed, and they started excluding me. We would still sometimes hang out, but they were acting very distant. Would answer my questions with one or two words and that's it, the conversation was over. Another month of this passed, and then they dropped the bomb. Told my to change my hair to be able to hang out with them. I switched to a side part. They said to stop wearing sparkly clothes (I was 9), I was desperate, so I switched. Then, they said that my personality had to go. I was too hot headed. I promised I'd change. I did. Then, I was too nice. I changed again, the it was too average. I didn't know what they wanted from me. My mom saw how upset I was and took me to a girl's leadership class on handling tricky spots in relationships. Excited, and thinking I'd finally have my best friends back, I tried out the strategies I learned. It didn't work. The quote I started with, that was the result of this confrontation. Their antics took 2 years of therapy to handle.
For those of you wondering why I didn't have any other friends, it was because these two "friends" of mine would actually PHYSICALLY pull me away from others when I tried to befriend others.

Thankfully I am in a much better place now, and finally have real friends who care about me for me.

I go with my gut. If you make me feel uneasy or irritated, I won't associate with you. If you're only interested in using me as something to talk to without reciprocity, then goodbye. I don't even bother to explain it to some of them~~block and delete the contact, email, etc.

When her son stayed with us after being accused of touching her partners daughter. Made it all about her. Found out it was true and my family noped out of the friendship. He didn't just touch the daughter but several other girls. She knew and lied, asked my husband to put locks on her daughter's bedroom door, so she could have privacy.
Her daughter visits us when home on leave she has no contact with her so called Mom

When I started dating my now- husband, she told a mutual friend how upsetting it was that I didn't ask her permission first. Her husband then told him that it would be a sin to marry me (we'd been dating like, a couple weeks) as I was a divorced woman. They continually tried to force themselves into a role of our spiritual mentors, and I gave pushback like hell, so then I was "in sin" for "rebelling" against the Holy Spirit (them) and 'boundaries' became a cuss word among our friends group. They started using mutual friends, and even a pastor to try to manipulate us into reconciliation (the pastor when off on my now-husband without even hearing our side, he rebuked him for not following the guidelines of the church or Bible in the confrontation). After we were married the man tried to become my spiritual head, and told me to rebuke my husband for not praying enough. I went off on him, and left that community group. They followed us to another one. They were constantly trying to manipulate us, overstep boundaries, invade our lives, all while crying that they had nooo idea why I was so gosh darn mad at them, poor poor them. (As if I hadn't messaged and told them multiple explicit times how they were violating our boundaries). Finally we all met to air out any last grievances in order to officially end the friendship. Found out later they literally held one of the mutual friends hostage, I sincerely believe to traffick her into being their sex slave and child caretaker, and that they left the church to become polygamous, and if anyone was hurt it was the fault of the big bad church. Zero accountability for their own actions. Years later I realized they were functioning as a cult. Bullet dodged, but not unscathed.

I was new in school and I became friends with a girl (not gonna say the real name) named let's say ana (had same name as me) she was a short kid horrible breath and took my first kiss so I was friends with her and soon she asked me to buy a 57$wig for Halloween when I couldn't even afford my own costume (I went as a anime characters named dabi she was a reaper) so I told her no and she got mad and punched my back so hard I couldn't breathe for about a hour (I could bearly breath) so i went away she would kick my shins and on Halloween we were out for about 10 minutes and she said she wanted to go home (I was staying with her) so I had like a quarter of a bag fillies with candy then I made a friend who said she was toxic and I unfriended ana and stayed with the other friend then a few weeks ago ana jumped on my back and kicked it while I was on the ground leaving marks (still have them) so I reported her and nothing happened

On a nother note I was se*ually assaulted (well me and ye other friend) by ANA'S BOYFRIEND called fat and shamed so yea there is my life

I realized it slowly after a 8 year relationship started getting rough. Specifically, whenever I started to get back out of a slump, I started drawing again. This was a big achievement for me, as I hadn’t in years. Whenever I told her about is she just laughed and said “I don’t care” she knew I was not in a good spot, but still said it. More reasons were that she never respected my boundaries, even after reminding her. And also had to have everything focused on her.