I think of this almost all the time and the only thing that I can honestly admit scares me is being alone. Sometimes being alone triggers that feeling of abandonment from my past... it also triggers the feeling of general panic when I think about the unknown and how much I fear not having someone close that I can trust. Not having someone to guide me through life, because honestly, that's something I need. I almost need my hand held because I'm not fully integrated into society.
Due to my unfortunate upbringing, I was always taught (rather, I was trained) that I would be nothing without someone showing me the way. I was always treated like a misguided child, even well after eighteen years old (I'm thirty-one now) and convinced that I could not survive on my own. To this day, the codependency is real and it's a struggle. One of the more common side-effects of being a codependent is being very afraid of being alone, living alone, going places alone... and it stuck with me. I am afraid of being alone.
How can I safely expose myself to this fear?
The first thing my mind jumps to when it comes to this sorta thing is exposure therapy in and of itself - so for myself, how would I go about facing this fear? I would, ironically, need someone with me for the encouragement, but I would also need to simply spend more time alone with my thoughts. Which I have been, hence where this Shadow Work is coming from.
Escaping the fear is easy. Previous to writing any of my posts, I would do anything possible to get away from myself. I would turn to substances and get so "far beside myself" that I couldn't see straight. I couldn't see my problems. I couldn't see myself. I've since become much more comfortable with my own company for short periods of time - I don't think I could go a whole entire day without panicking, but a good six or seven hours alone doesn't bother me as much anymore! That's progress, right? As long as I have someone with me at the end of the day, I'm golden... but that leaves my codependency enabled to some degree. No, we don't have to live totally alone all the time, but to voluntarily become a responsibility all because I'm afraid is very unfair to my loved ones and to the person I would be depending on.
Off the top of my head, I can think of a few ways I could expose myself to my fear and slowly overcome it: going somewhere on my own (the store, library, or even for a walk), turning off social media for a short while and spending more time alone with my thoughts (uninfluenced), and simply applying coping skills on those days where I am alone longer than I can stand. Yes, sometimes it's hard to remember our coping skills when panic sets in and it feels like free will is stripped from us, but we must remember that we are stronger than our anxieties and we are stronger than our fears. I think simply having more confidence will help me become less dependent on others in the future. That's a good place to start, I think! Baby, baby steps.