Hey Pandas, What Gives You Holiday Anxiety? (Closed)

All family get togethers give me anxiety and PTSD. My former sister in law used to OD every family get together when I was a kid up until my brother left her when I was in my early 20's. (I am in my late 50's now.)
So every holiday we had to perform CPR and call 911 when Debbie downed all the pills and alcohol she was able to beg, borrow or steal for that particular occasion.
Now I get anxious if anyone has a drink or even acts a bit tired at any get together. I don't host holiday get togethers. I don't celebrate most holidays in anyway.

Literally everything, i hate holidays

Buying gifts/making gifts. I don't have a job since I'm in school and my parents don't want to drive me, so I handmake most gifts. I need one for my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my other set of grandparents, my boyfriend, my best friend, and my friend who I picked for Secret Santa. It's a LOT of stress, especially with the "end of semester shitload" (a ton of homework at the end of the semester) and my taekwondo classes.

The whole material energy about Christmas time. Our society has turned Christmas into a stress-inducing, gotta think of a present to buy for everyone, people-driving-like-maniacs buying last-minute gifts circus. It's supposed to be the celebration of Jesus being born. For a few years now I've been trying to get my family to skip gifts and just have a nice time together, counting our blessings. I almost have everyone on board for next year.

"...all I want for Christmasss, is youuuuuu..." My fingers started bleeding just typing that.

Working in retail.

I had one Christmas where I was so busy with customers, I wasn't able to able to finish my morning coffee. Heck, I didn't eat a thing until 4 PM that day.

My main anxiety is am I good enough, I had a tricky childhood. Mother was a narcissist and was cruel. No contact 5 years. So now I'm a mum to 4. I struggle to make sure I do everything I can to make their special day special. Its hard as I work nights and have very limited child free time and next to no support. Youngest is 2. Eldest 13. Really struggle. And don't get paid again before Xmas and I feel like I'm drowning. I just want to make it special. But it's soo hard. Kids dad decided he isn't paying matinence anymore (he isn't seeing them because he is abusive so refuses to pay) I'm all they have and I really want to make it special x

I’ve always had this feeling of not belonging or fitting in around the holidays. Everything feels so forced and fake to me. I’m still trying to embrace them and make the most out of them.

Decorating in a cat proof way. Very limiting

The food I have to prepare, the whole decoration thing, unwanted calls of very distant relatives and celebrating the 5th year without my dog. I really hate holidays ... :/

Knowing all the days afterwards when people ask how my holidays were, it's inappropriate to say, "I sat in my apartment, sad and lonely. How were yours?"

Family gatherings. I am really antisocial.

Traffic

The food I have to prepare all by myself, and the traditional Japanese “End of the year big cleaning”. It ruins the holidays for me every year.

Christmas. I like celebrating it for my kids, but otherwise it's just super stressful.

if I don't do everything nothinhfor the holidays will be done.

Gift shopping and putting away all the Christmas decoration!

I love my parents but visiting them is not good for my mental health (various past and present reasons), but staying home alone over the holidays gives me even more anxiety.

getting ready for all the events and stuff. having a whole aśs neighborhood talent show that you are performing in and emceeing in is rlly stressful(theres also a lil runway/fashion show too). i bet its even more stressful for the adults who actually plan the stuff and book the hall

Are we talking triggers or causes?

Triggers: YOU probably, joy, food, waking up, working in a church, ads, crowds, Christmas music, ads, more ads, church gig IS music, leading it even though I'm pagan, food, ads, noise, working in the world's largest independent bookstore, a tourist attraction, with the expectation of college-level knowledge/customer service at minimum wage (because we're so lucky supposedly), food, traffic, ads, ads, ads, food, consumerism, food, loneliness, ads, and literal poverty. Did I mention ads and food!? Ads & food f*^%ing everywhere!!!

Causes: Who needs holidays when you're already diagnosed!? Anxiety, severe depressive disorder, SUDS, PTSD, and anorexia. Imagine facing every day starving. Hangry is all the time. You're either hungry or unhinged. Imagine every social situation that has anything to do with food, especially those you're expected to attend, can't face. Not just the last 5 weeks of the year, all the time. Now add terror, decision paralysis, and the disappointed guilt-laden expectations of family and friends, while you're sad & alone at home crying into the toilet. I'm a zero-budget craft wizard, just don't ask me to eat. Unsincerely, Happy Holidays 🖕😃