Hey Pandas, Share Your Best Joke, Riddle, Or Funny Story! (Closed)

It's a long walk, but worth it, IMO.
One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to Trump. I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?” The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

I submitted 10 puns to a contest. I really wanted at least one of them to win, but unfortunately no pun in-ten-did :(

For all you BP fans out there:
I'm sorry I haven't got back to you but I've been handcuffed to a panda
So bear with me

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are incredibly distressed by this development because they loved that gorilla--it was a really great gorilla--and also because they probably won't have a job in a month after the zoo shuts down due to bankruptcy.

But the zoo's owner, he's got an idea. He calls the gorilla's primary zookeeper into his office and says, "Hey, so I could fire you right now since we don't have a gorilla anymore, but I'm not going to! Instead, I want you to dress up in this highly realistic gorilla suit and pretend to be our beloved gorilla--just until we purchase another one, I promise." And so the zookeeper says, "Alright, I'll pretend to be a gorilla. After all, no one who works at this zoo knows as much about gorilla behavior as me." And so he puts on the suit and starts doing his monkey thing.

This dude becomes a sensation overnight. People are absolutely amazed by the humanlike gorilla that this obscure zoo has acquired. Numbers are great, and for the first time in years the zoo is turning a sizable profit.

Now a couple months go by, and the newness is starting to wear off. The zoo is still making plenty of money, but not as much as when the whole monkey thing started. And the zoo owner has gotten a little bit greedy. He calls the monkey man into his office and says, "Hey dude, numbers are going down, I need you to get them back up again or you'll be out of a job." The zookeeper us hugely frustrated by this unreasonable demand. He thinks, "I'm already being a monkey, what the heck else do you want me to do?!" But instead of venting his spleen on his supervisor, he takes a deep breath and says, "Alright, I'll see what I can do."

That night, the monkey man breaks out if the gorilla enclosure, sneaks into the tiger enclosure, and waits for the zoo to open. As people stream by the next morning, he begins his new act: swinging around on the roof of the tiger enclosure, always just a few inches out of reach of the furious felines jaws. This most definitely does catch people's attention, and almost seems like a good idea...all the way up until the moment his hand slips and he falls down into the tiger's territory.

The tiger starts prowling toward him-- splayed helplessly on the ground, breath knocked from his lungs--and so the zookeeper-turned-monkey starts doing what any reasonable person would do. He starts yelling, "Help! Help!" at the top of his lungs.

The tiger hears its prey's desperate screams, and growls. It leaps, pins him down, and whispers in his ear, "You need to shut up, you're gonna get us both fired!"

Why shouldn't you believe an atom?

Because they make up everything!

So a man dies and goes to heaven, and as he walks through the pearly gates, he sees a couple of stopped clocks on the walls. He asks Saint Peter, “What are those clocks for?” Peter replies, “Oh, those are lie clocks. They move their hands every time someone lies. So this shows that Mother Teresa never lied, and Abraham Lincoln only lied twice.” The man, impressed, asks, “So where’s Donald Trump’s clock?” Peter laughs and says, “That’s in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

This is kinda stupid but here it goes.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken.

I've read this story twice or something. This person was hearing a cat meowing outside, so he meowed back. After a while, he looked outside to see another person meowing at him. XD

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Get in.

Person: Are you always sarcastic?

Me: No. Sometimes I’m sleeping.

Lolllll

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD:

1. You can’t touch the sun

2. You can’t live with oxygen

3. You can’t breathe with your tongue stuck far out

4. Put your tongue back in you fool

Me and the missus decided to watch all the star wars films back to back. Lucky for me i was the one facing the TV!

This is not mine but here it is, I saw that other people took stories from other posts and the internet so I took this:

Gather around, children! It's.... STORYTIME! >:3
So, I was like 7, and I was sitting in class taking a spelling test. We had just come back from lunch, and my stomach was feeling weird. Everything was silent, and then I felt this overwhelming heat burning in my buttcheeks. I tried so hard to hold it in, and was literally SWEATING.... But it was too much. I couldn't hold on any longer. I hoped nobody would hear it, and so I released it. The room filled with a loud sound like a motorcycle had come zooming out of my butt. The stench of death exploded from within me. The swat team came in wearing hazmat suits and handed out gas masks. And then I was sent home early because I had sharted myself. THE END!
;w;

My favorite joke it more like a funny line to say when you need a self-confidence boost and others need a laugh:

“I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.”

TADA!

Did you hear about the astronaut with claustrophobia?

He just needed some space.

Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best type of surgery patient.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers ~ they seem to understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...
Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

**robot slaps son**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an erotic movie was

**robot slaps dad**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all

**robot slaps mum**

'Just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.' - (Tim Vine)

Two labourers, John and Dave, were working and John, upon a scaffold accidentally cut off his ear.
He yelled down to Dave…” Hey! Look out for my ear, I just cut it off”
A bit later Dave calls up to John, “Is this your ear?”
John looks down and says, “No! Mine had a pencil behind it!”

Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

“I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you’re up there….”