Hey Pandas, Rant Here

help, please help me guys i f****d up i’m panicking, i left my journal on the table and my mom read it and it had stuff about self-harm and trans and i can’t take it i’m panicking what do I do please help me I don’t know what to do

I'm trying to cut off my closest friend so I have nothing stopping me from killing myself. I've been having anxiety attacks all week, but rollerblading stopped them for about a day (as we all know excerise is like self harm but cool and less damaging) and now they're back. I can't keep living like this and I don't want to keep living. Anyways, if any of you really need anything from me I'll try to help you within the last few days here. You're all great people and I hope you have great lives.

i feel like i’m going to die. my parents got mad at me for being subscribed to an artist that posts what they call “foul content” (she literally just has a curse word in her song that’s it)and they got an alert on their stupid parental control app for it and i didnt even watch the video and they were acting like i was in trouble and then when i got upset cause it seemed like i was in trouble they were like “we never said you’re in trouble” but the other day my dad turned off the explicit content on my spotify cutting off basically all the music that is keeping me alive because “our job is to make sure what you put into your brain is wholesome”. so i’m guessing today when they get the call from my therapist they’re gonna blame my depression on the music i’m listening to. oh and they bought one of those safes that locks your phone and can’t unlock until the timer goes off so there’s confirmation that they’re insane.

i turn 18 on the 28th; but i don’t know if i’ll allow myself to live that long.

I think I'm going to get of BP. maybe even off this weird thing we call life. I don't know anymore I'm just alone. I want to die

i’m going crazy but that’s okayyyyy ✨

Btw this is more of a therapy thing for me. Also everything i say is the truth and if you don’t beleive me that’s fine. Just don’t say anything because this is hard for me but it’s time.

Ok well… i know i have offered help and support the best i can and then turn around and complained about my problems like i just want attention (which i do, i’m the middle child) and i’m so greatful to have a place to share my feelings… but this is the deepest feeling of hurt i have ever felt because people i know, look up to, and love are as unstable as i am and i’m not saying “i have to be the least stable one” no i’m saying it hurts so much because i know what they are thinking and going through and i connect with them on the deepest possible level. So please, talk to me. I can help you or at least i can try. I want to be your friend.

so… this is a bit different than usual as you can see so be prepared for dark mike or whatever you shall call him.

As preveously mentioned i’m a middle child and the only female child in my section of the family (parents and siblings) and having not come out as trans doesn’t help the matter. so i do a lot of things to get attention as i don’t get much. Wether that be lying about anything that’s ever happened because i don’t think my life’s interesting enough (BP has helped me realise i don’t have to lie about stuff because my life is chaotic) or stealing from my family (i do give items back) i do it to get noticed. Then i stopped. Randomly i just stopped trying to stand out. But it was too late. My behavior had rubbed a burn into my personality and now i’m stained with differences i can’t seem to get rid of. Only after i stopped trying to be different did everyone say that was the case. now every time i express a real feeling i have to (especially but there are others) my mom she pulls me aside and gives me a lecture on how “i’m not a boy” and “i should stop trying to be different” but i’m not. Even a hairstyle i wanted or a shirt i liked. even a shirt in the girl’s section was “a boys shirt”. I’m like this so deal with it. She thinks it’s because i’m bi.

Things are going uphill for me but my stupid brain can’t function right. Even just slightly more work is “way too much” for me and I’m having a hard time even knowing what I’m feeling. The only way I can describe it is that it’s as if emotions and feelings are like separate ice cream flavours but in my mind all the flavours have melted into one puddle and I can’t tell them apart. I’m also going through a cycle where I think I’m smart but then I think I’m a narcissist for thinking so and then I think I’m very stupid and then I think that if I was worried about being a narcissist then I’m not one but then that makes me feel like that’s just an excuse and then the cycle repeats

Hey, all of you on here. If you're looking for a sign to keep living, here it is. It will get better, I promise.

i don’t want to

I honestly just ruin everything. I can’t make people feel better and I yell at my family.

Why the @#$% are so many people trying to off themselves?