Hey Pandas, How Have You Been?

I got an actual diagnosis for anxiety (which like everyone knows I have, but now it's medically official) and apparently according to my therapist I have depression. I'm still sort of in denial haha I don't feel like I have depression. Anyways my binder still covers my sh scars but that's probably going to change soon, volunteering is great and kids are adorable, plants are awesome, I want to kms. I'm really not totally sure how to express what's going on in my brain but it's really not totally ideal

I’m confused about everything and I’ve just realised that I have a very different perception of reality compared to everyone else and no matter what I can never percieve reality normally

I’m finally giving in and posting.

I wish that everyone could be okay on here, and wish that I could snap my fingers and make peoples problem’s disappear. I wish I wanted to stop living, but I don’t, because I care about people too much. I actually wish I didn’t care so much, it’s just putting too much pressure on me, but at the same time I want to keep caring. I don’t know, I’m just mad and sad and upset and annoyed and stressed and I never get to say what I want to say because I’m to concerned with everyone else. I’m scared my parents will find out about bp and take it away because it’s become such a big part of my life.

Rereading this I don’t feel anyone needs to respond because I sound pretty whiny, but I just needed to write it. Thanks for the post.

my brain is f****d up 🍷🗿

awful :) read my bio

Unwanted and unneeded update- ik some of you were worried about me committing suicide, please don't. I had a really bad weekend because I can only think and function correctly when my work anchors me (I'm gonna be so f****d for the next few weeks) and I'm okay for now. My sh is getting steadily worse and I'm fairly sure that the b******t anxiety I've had for a while could be classed as paranoia (the person who's keeping me alive on bad days hates me and wants me dead and even if he doesn't he's going to leave soon, everyone around me hates me specifically and want me to be dead and want to kill me, everyone who's ever liked me at all is lying and making fun of me and wishes I didn't exist because it's a running joke with people who aren't me to pretend I'm a decent person. It happens constantly, I'm always on edge scared that my friend is going to text me and say he's always hated me and everything was a joke and I should die, or people here are going to start making fun of me for caring about people idk irl and admit that they wish I would die. Ik it's technically unrealistic but it's absolutely true and you will never be able to convince me otherwise you all hate me)

Not great, I just hate myself. I hate everything about me, I hate my brain, I hate the dysphoria I've been getting, and I especially hate the flashbacks that won't leave me alone. They just keep playing over and over again :( The good thing is I've figured out how not to cry while they continue to play in my head so I don't have to leave the room anymore. Everything gets even worse at night, because then I have time to overthink everything and have the flashbacks playing. I can't even properly sh, I'm that cowardly. I've been finding alternatives that aren't visible but still hurt :) another thing that causes more self hatred is the crush I have on one of my friends. I hate that I do, I really don't want to mess up our friendship. I'm scared that someday they might find out and then things will be weird between us. I might have a small chance but why would they like me? I'm a piece of sh!t. My mental health is down in the depths of Tartarus but it's fine! Fake it til you make it right :)

Thanks for the vent post, I needed that :)

i feel like a piece of s**t.
my mom found my twitter and beat me up since i was making joke things about kaito (if u wanna see its @kaitosimp6969 but heavy nswf warning.) ive posted a few concerning things but had to remove a bunch of my recent posts and had to take a break as im losing a lot of blood. ive been told to get raped and told to kill myself and im just asking myself: why the f**k not? if all im seen is as a perfect role model then if im gone it wont really matter would it? ive tried to cover it up with smiles and happiness but it just all hurts in the inside. the longest ive been clean from cutting is around 3 weeks. i just want out of this.

✨️I want to die but also want to live✨️
Life sucks so much rn. I'm a selfish b***h and I can't do anything right. Plus I'm also an ✨️a*****e✨️
You don't need to reply to this. I'm just whining rn

HA not good.

I'm tired. I'm really tired. Ofc, that could be bc I'm sick from idk what virus-y thing I caught from my friend. My friend is annoying. I have an essay to write for an academic summer camp. I can't find my crush's social media. Feeling anxious. Not the worst family, but living with my grandmother and my mom right now, my dad's gonna join us tonight (no, they're not divorced, we're on holiday and he had to work so he had to delay his flight to NJ), and honestly my entire family seems to be nosy and judgmental. Yeah. So that's not so great.

Idk what's wrong with me either. I hate hugs, hate physical contact, get weirdly clingy to random people, but heck, I cringe on the inside when my little brother lays his head on my shoulder or smth. It's the same with EVERYONE in my family. I do NOT want to interact with them. It's weird. I mean, they're my family. It's not that I don't love them, but that makes me want to throw up. on top of that, I'm okay with casually hooking arms with my same gender friends, or with leaning or nudging people my own age. Idk what that says abt me but whatever.

Also, what's the definition of pansexual? I'm starting to think maybe I'm not that straight (I've only ever had crushes on opposite gender tho) and I know the DEFINITION but idk what it feels like. Because sometimes that's different. I've heard that it's kinda like falling in love a little with everyone you meet, but idk how true that is. So what does it feel like?

Oh and how do you delete or edit list additions on BP.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA but soon I'll be AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA in ✨ Washington ✨

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mm_-MHhI-VU&pp=ygUaaSBmZWVsIGFic29sdXRlbHkgdGVycmlibGU%3D

I’ve been okay. I think I’m starting to become a teenager 😅. Heh.