Hey Pandas, Do You Need To Rant? (Closed)

I HATE MYSELF. I recently I've had a awful horrible no good very bad week and I want to die. Im sorry that's dark but it's true and i have been seeing a therapist for 3 YEARS and Im so tired.

I need someone here with me but I don't have anyone and Im lonely and depressed and sooooooooo anxious and I don't know what to do.

I have all these fantasies in my head then I wake up and they aren't real and I want to scream. And then I will go downstairs and act like I'm great. I love my family and the few friends I have but there's something missing from my life and I don't know what it is.

I feel like everyone but God hates me- on BP, irl, anywhere i go i feel like Im being judged and I knows thats selfish to think everyone is thinking about me, but i can't help it. I don't know what to do and i can't stop comparing myself to people about EVERYTHING.

And I'm so angry at the world for being such an awful place. I wish I could die while staying alive and that doesn't make sense. I'm just a bomb of anxiety and I feel like the timer is ticking down.

The worst part, I can't even have a panic attack if I wanted to. I have miraculously trained myself to bottle everything up so much that even when I'm alone I can barely do anything but feel the tension and rise, and just stay there. Does that make sense? I feel like everything i do or say sucks.

I need serious help but my mom doesn't want me on medication this early in life, but i think i need it. And don't go shaming my mom, she doesn't understand how serious the problem is, because I"m scared to tell her.

I feel so selfish and awful and ugly. I've got eating disorders and too much trauma, and everything just sucks. I am very very blessed to have a wonderful family, but they are not without their problems and don't really get me. Not to sound all "im so misunderstood" but i am super emotional which they aren't.

all this had gone on for way to long and I ready to be done. I want to be done with life, are you telling me I've got like 70 more years of this?! Nonononono I need help, okay, and I'm alone. I have OCD that makes me feel so unsafe anywhere i go and I haven't felt real calm in so long.

oh, another thing, I have CONSTANT anxiety attacks so if you need help concerning those I can help.
(Also GO CHEIFS! We're going to the Superbowl!)

I feel like I'm drowning!! My relationship with my mother is terrible, and I'm trying so hard to fix it but everytime i try and open my heart again i feel like I'm being stabbed. I feel like people think I'm incompetent and a burden. I want to feel valued, not manipulated. Sometimes it feels like because I've always acted strong, no one understands that I have deep feelings. I have a breaking point too, and it feels like no one sees that