Hey Pandas, Could You Share A Dark Secret With Us? (Closed)

I...I...

I don't mind being by myself! I love people but I also love my alone time! I wasn't allowed to do off-campus lunch this year and everyone asked me what I was gonna do. I'm like 'I'll just find a quiet place to eat, maybe play piano or something.'

It's so hard for people to understand that I am perfectly fine not making small-talk and being around others 24/7.

Now, I'll message people online for hours and hours, on the other hand.

I’ve been suicidal for many years and I’m so very close to ending it. The only thing that’s stopping me is my boyfriend and my friends. I don’t know what will happen if those relationships end.

😅 no one can know

why yes, yes i could. but i shall not

There is this person I know that is racist (and also just a jerk in general and is mean to everyone) but he is in three of my classes so I am forced to see him everyday and *deep breath* I WANT TO MURDER HIM WHILE HIS FAMILY WATCHES SOBBING WHILE HIS BLOOD SPILLS INTO THE PAVEMENT. I am not going to, but I really want to. Anyway it’s not a secret I hate him openly and I make sure to tell him it everyday. Have a wonderful day everyone.

So, this might get me a lot of downvotes, so let me at least say I'm not proud of this, but I guess that's what makes a secret dark.

Years ago I was married and my now ex wife cheated on me and eventually left me for the guy she cheated with and married him soon after our divorce. I won't go into too much detail, but the spineless way she ended all this and the fact that he knowingly participated in the cheating despite having been cheated on and left by his first wife himself not too long before just left me with nothing but contempt for both of them, but I tried to stay a decent person through all and just leave that part of my life behind me.

So, fast forward some years, that guy she left me for, turns out he was born with some kind of kidney disease, where he already had only one fully functional to begin with and now the other one started failing too. Him and me shared a not too common blood property, which made me a suitable donor. My ex wife, knowing about this, approached me about the issue, applied to my good heart and the likes. Base line, she asked me to save her new husband's life. I didn 't dismiss her right away, really thought long and hard about it, but ultimately decided not to get involved.

I don't know how everything turned out, but i estimate his chances to find another donor to be slim at best. None of my friends or family know about this.

I don’t really feel feelings other than anger, sadness, or jealousy. I never have the energy to do anything. My friends all talk to me about their unstable mental health but I don’t talk about mine because their life is already screwed up enough. I’m always questioning if people really like me or if they just feel sorry for me because my family moved in the middle of Covid. I think I have depression, autism, and anxiety. I have a therapist but it doesn’t help. My ODD makes it even harder to feel many emotions other than anger. Sometimes I can’t even cry about things that people usually would cry about. I have hidden all my inside pain for so long, I’m starting to not feel outside pain.

TL;DR: my mind is really messed up

Well...okay, you won't believe me but...
I'd just like to say...
And I'm sorry if it disappoints you but...
I can confirm...
I don't have anything to say.