Hey Pandas, Another Venting Post

I’m just tired of everything now. I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to do my chores, I don’t want to eat anymore, I don’t want to go to school anymore, I don’t want to do anything anymore. Every day I feel mentally so exhausted from constantly being under the same boring routine while pressure on me keeps increasing everyday. I want something new to happen, I want some thrill in my life and I want the pressure to be something not related to academics. I keep telling myself I have only 2 more years to finish school but I dunno if I can last that long without a major breakdown. I just miss how things used to be when I was a kid. It was only yesterday when I was 4 and learning how to read. I wish I could go back to that state and be 4 forever. I just feel like crying every time I think about my past and how things were better back then. I miss living in the US and going to Montessori and playing with my friends. I can’t think about that time without crying and feeling so helpless as that time is long gone and I never appreciated how things were and how nice my family was and how happy I was. I miss everything.

I'm leaving bp

Probably not permanently but idk yet

I'm planning on coming out to my parents soon, so in case of the worst happening, I have to cut ties will all my online friends and social media accounts (besides YT) because technically I'm not supposed to have them- if they decide to look through my stuff I can't give them another reason to possibly be angry at me.

Do NOT email me please

I have no clue when I'm coming out. It could be in a few days, a few weeks, or a few months. Just whenever I find somewhere safe to stay if things go in the wrong direction. I will probably not be on BP at all for at least the next week or so.

I won't make any rash decisions (or I'll try not too) while I'm gone, because I can't risk anything else happening because by coming out I'm already jeopardizing my safety, given the fact that my parents often use slurs against trans people and are NOT supportive.

If I end up coming back to BP, which I likely will, I'll comment one of these so you know I'm either ok or in danger lmao:

🟢 - coming out went well and I'm safe
🟡 - unclear whether I'll be fine or not
🟠 - coming out didn't go well, but I'm not in danger
🔴 - coming out went really badly and I need to find somewhere safe

I love you guys.
Please keep yourselves safe while im gone
Bye xx

(im planning on recording myself coming out, so if the worst happens, I'll have evidence for CPS or something)

Wish me luck- I'll probably need it

i fcking hate myself bc i think i screwed up and ruined one of my best friendships (on bp but i barely have friends irl)

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is the world so cruel

every day i wake up and my default emotion is either nothingness or sadness. or anxiety.

nobody knows how i feel. i try to explain it but they dont get it. they dont understand how it feels to not be able to talk to someone bc ur throat closes up and you cant breathe for a second and then if they ask you if ur okay you say yes and then walk away. i cant explain it. nobody gets it.

im alone in this world and i want to die. but i feel guilty abt venting so most of the time i lie and say im fine so people can go help other people with worse problems. other peopl have been raped and abused. i havent. other people are starving on the streets. im not. my problems arent valid.

i fcking hate this life

Here I go again, spamming mermeows list addition. RIP mermeows notifications.

I've missed like, 30 days of school already and it's only NOVEMBER. Out of those 30 days, I was only ACTUALLY sick for 5 of them. The rest were days my dysphoria got so awful that I could barely get out of bed. Like, I couldn't even look in the mirror without hating how fem I look and trying to kms again. My parents, since they don't know what's actually going on, just thought I was being "stubborn" and trying to cause a fight or some s**t. Obviously that's not the case. But they were like "Don't be a middle school dropout. You're going to be a disappointment. You're never going to get a "real" job and you'll be a drug addict living off the streets". Like, wtf man, I don't think ur supposed to be saying that kind of stuff to a 13 year old... but anyways, the dysphorias been getting worse throughout the school year (so far) but if I miss any more days (not including sick days ofc) im going to have to, like, repeat the grade. STUPID DYSPHORIA. I just can't explain to my parents the real reason why I skip school so much though, so now they're convinced im a lazy and careless person. Idk what to dooooooooeifueufuwnfjsofneidoalkfiejfjsjf

I promise this is gonna be my last post. I'm rlly sorry if I'm seeming like an attention hog rnnnn ugh

i want to come back so much

Tomorrow is my favourite holiday! Halloween! I’ll be dressed up like Charlie Spring from Heartstopper. Halloween is awesome!

My crush doesn't feel the same for me. My heart is broken

Uh so-
Im stupid and ignorant so ofc I decided it would be a "gReAt" idea to use sports tape to bind for like, a week straight. Now my ribs hurt quite a bit but like- how am I supposed to explain this to my parents lmao...

𝓘 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓭𝓲𝓪𝓰𝓷𝓸𝓼𝓮𝓭 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓼𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝔁𝓲𝓮𝓽𝔂 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓭𝓮𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷. 𝓨𝓐𝓨! (𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝓼𝓪𝓻𝓬𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓬 𝓫𝓽𝔀)

I’m scared of what happens after I turn 18. My dream job has crappy pay and I’d probably become homeless. So idk, I honestly might just die because I don’t wanna be miserable and feel more like a failure than I do already :(

My mom made a joke about a costume my dad wore a couple days ago… by saying he looked like those “(F-SLUR!!!)s from (insert some movie she’s seen)”. She knows I’m a lesbian. She knew I was there and even turned around to me and said “I’m not tryna be derogatory when I say (F-SLUR!!!)”. Okay b*tch, YOU ARE!

Pretty sure I’m depressed and have ADHD and autism but I couldn’t get a diagnosis without my parents’ permission. Maybe at 16 I’ll try again tho cuz I think that’s possibly when I’m seen as an adult in the doctor’s eyes? Probably not tho.

I hate how I look and I’m eating less. I wasn’t really even trying to. It just happened subconsciously I guess. But now my family’s worried. But I’m not gonna eat more because honestly I hate how I look and I just wanna lose the stupid pudge on my stomach.

I have a crush on my friend. But they have ASD and I don’t wanna even dare ask them out because they’d only do it because they’re too nice to say no, and I don’t wanna take advantage of them.

Everyone in my school probably thinks I’m a weird crybaby.

I think my friends are inching away from me. I charge my phone less than 5 feet away from the lunch hangout spot, but nobody bothers to sit with me so I can feel included. So I think from now on I’ll just eat under the stairwell. It wouldn’t be any different in terms of loneliness.

Also have a fanfic I’m losing motivation on and keep stretching out chapter releases. I have no doubt my readers feel let down.

Idk. I’m done with life.

I’ve learnt recently that I weigh the same as Eugenia Cooney.. (which is 73LB) only difference is I’m incredibly short (4’9) and she’s 5’7 I believe.. so it looks drastically different. I’m honestly scared for my health, I dread the doctors both for shots and getting weighed. I don’t like the idea of dying young- I’m sorry..