Women Are Sharing Their Exes' Seemingly Harmless Personality Traits That Ended Up Being The Reddest Flags Of Them All (30 Posts)

We managed to contact NTSTwitch and she agreed to tell us about what inspired her to make the post. "I formulated the question a few days after breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years," the Redditor told Bored Panda. "We loved each other so much, but we just no longer have the same goals for our future or our lifestyle. So, I decided to gather my thoughts and figure out what I'm going to look for if I ever decide to find another life partner. In addition to all of the red flags I am already mindful of, I wanted to gather a list of not only other people's red flags but also their green flags that turned out to be red flags."

NTSTwitch continued by providing an example from her previous relationship. "I thought it was great that he was always available for me when I called and answered all of my texts on time. It made me feel important and special to him," she said, adding that, "Over the last few years, I began to realize that the reason he was always available was because he had no hobbies or interests, no real friends, no relationship with his family, and didn't like to go out. All of those things are now dealbreakers for me."

Dr. Stephanie Freitag, who is a licensed clinical psychologist, highlighted that relationships are supposed to add to our lives. So if there's a red flag that you think calls for a breakup, you have all the rights to terminate it.

However, somewhat counterintuitively, you should think about these things not after another fight you just had but during one of the highs. "How are you feeling in your relationship? Of course, you're going to have down moments and days, but in your best moment in the relationship, when things are going smooth and well, how are you feeling?" Dr. Freitag said.

Relationships should make you feel happy, content, and joyful. "If you don't have as much of a positive association with the relationship, it probably should end," she added.

"If you're concerned enough to be noticing a lot of red flags, that is information that might require you to take a really hard look at what you're getting from the relationship," Dr. Freitag explained. "If you're at the point where you're more focused on the red flags than doing fun things together, then it might be time to consider why you're in the relationship in the first place."

Interestingly, among the 15% of American adults who are single and looking for a committed relationship or casual dates, men and women report equal levels of dissatisfaction with their dating lives and the ease of finding people to date, with roughly three-quarters experiencing these issues.

Among the top reasons cited are finding someone looking for the same type of relationship (53%), finding it hard to approach people (46%), and finding someone who meets their expectations (43%).

"What I learned from the post was how several traits (within reason) can be a green flag or a red flag!" NTSTwitch, the author of the post, said. "I am looking for someone more social for my next relationship, but several people answered that being social was one of the traits that turned out to be a dealbreaker for them. It was unsurprising that I would see so many of what I perceived to be positive traits on the list, but it was really nice to gain some perspective on the subject anyway."

The Redditor thinks that people misjudge others' personality traits for several reasons. "One reason [I personally do it] is because I don't know myself well enough to know how I'd handle particular situations. For example, I think I'd want a man with his own life so I can have my own life. However, I haven’t been in that situation in a long time. Maybe the lack of attention would cause issues for me. The second reason for me is that I tend to settle when I get attached. If a man checks off a certain amount of boxes for me, it gets easier to ignore things that I know are dealbreakers. I also think it’s important to note that we aren’t psychics. We are making the best judgment we can with the information available to us at the time."

"It's easy to criticize our choices in hindsight, but I think a lot of us are just doing our best and life doesn't always turn out the way we thought!" she noted.

Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California, and in her four decades of working with singles and couples, she has developed the following questions that should, in theory, help you decide if the person you're considering to involve yourself with is the right fit:

• Have your past partners turned out to be who you thought they would?
• Are you most often attracted to partners who are “out of reach"?
• Are the qualities you look initially for in a partner those you need for the long haul?
• Is it important to you that your partners impress others?
• Is the partner you want available within your current dating options?
• Are you being realistic in getting what you want based upon what you have to offer?
• Are your choices more often based on romantic myths rather than pragmatic possibilities?

If your answers to questions 1, 3, 5, and 6 are “no” and those to 2, 4, and 7, are “yes”, you are much less likely to find success in the dating market if you continue searching the way you have in the past.