Ah, the age old question: who should pay on a date? Nowadays, we seem to have evolved past assuming that men should always pay (on dates between a man and a woman), but that doesn’t make it any easier when it comes time to pick up the check. Should the person who initiated the date offer to pay? Should the bill be split evenly? Should both parties take turns paying on each date?
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Well, one woman who recently had a frustrating experience on a date decided to turn to TikTok to find out if she was justified in being annoyed. Below, you’ll find the video that Ashleigh Nekeman shared explaining the situation, as well as conversations with Ashleigh herself and dating and relationships coach Rachel New.
This woman recently had a frustrating experience on a date, after being stuck paying for the entire bill
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual image)
Now, she’s asking the internet if she has the right to feel annoyed
Ladies, I need your advice on whether this is a valid ick, or if this is okay, or whether my expectations are just too high. So I have just recently started dating again. It's not for the weak, let me tell you that. I've been on a few dates with one guy. And today's probably like the fourth time that we're kind of hanging out. 'Why don't we go get some massages?' And he was down for that and we get our massages, we pay for ourselves, totally fine.
Image credits: ashleighnekeman
Then we go and decide to get some sushi for lunch. So we have our lunch. I'm still trying to figure out do I actually like this guy or what's going on. I'm too paying for the bill. And the lady says, "How would you like to pay?" and he straight up says, "Let's split it." And I'm just a little bit like, okay, like, the total was $40.
And so, mind you, on the other dates that we've been on, we have both kind of paid.
Image credits: ashleighnekeman
So, you know, the first date we went to dinner and then we went to the arcade. So he got dinner, and then I got like the credits for the arcade. Anyway, it comes time to pay. I tell... we tell the lady that we're going to split the bill and she's having a little bit of trouble trying to split the bill. And she doesn't quite understand what we mean.
Image credits: ashleighnekeman
She's struggling with it for a little bit. So I just say to her, "Oh, if it's easier, we can pay together." And she goes, "Oh, yes, please," like, please. And then, so we're doing the awkward like... and I kind of like look at him and he's not looking or he's not... he's not offering to pay. So I was like, "Okay, well, I'll pay for it." So I pay for it.
And afterwards, he doesn't even say, you know, "What are your details? I'll transfer it," because five seconds ago, you weren't gonna pay for my food, but I just paid for your food and like now you don't want to split it?
Image credits: ashleighnekeman
So I have the ick now and like he walks me to my car and like goes in for a kiss. And I'm awkwardly like... I make up excuses, I'm like, "Oh, sorry, I just ate sushi. Like, I'm not gonna kiss you."
But in my head, I'm like, "Bro, am I just asking for too much for somebody to pay for sushi if we're on a date?" And like, these are the early days. This is when you men should still be impressing me or whatever the fuck men are trying to do these days.
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual image)
You can hear Ashleigh’s full explanation of her “ick” right here
"Majority of the women agree with me that it is an ick, but it’s the men who seem to be blowing up about it"
We reached out to Ashleigh on Instagram to hear what inspired her to share this story online in the first place, and lucky for us, she was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda. “I didn’t really think about it too much, I just filmed the video as if I was talking to a friend. Didn’t expect anyone to really see it or get this kind of attention,” Ashleigh shared with a laugh.
She also clarified it wasn’t the fact that she had to pay the bill that gave her the “ick,” but rather that her date didn’t offer to pay her back after he had previously mentioned splitting it. “I’ll always offer to pay my half or even all of it, but a man has never let me pay and asked me to split before,” Ashleigh explained.
She also says that she stands by her initial thought that this was a red flag. “I still think the ick is valid that he didn’t offer to pay me his half. If he had offered, I wouldn’t have accepted it because it was $20,” Ashleigh added laughing. We were also curious what she thought of the responses her video has received. “Majority of the women agree with me that it is an ick, but it’s the men who seem to be blowing up about it.” And if Ashleigh had a friend in a similar situation, she says she would definitely assure her that this is a valid ick.
"Traditional stereotypes may pervade our unconscious reactions, such as paying being a sign of ability to protect and take care of a partner"
We also got in touch with UK-based dating and relationships coach Rachel New to hear an expert’s thoughts on what to do when the check comes on a date. Rachel told Bored Panda that it makes sense to split bills from the beginning because it’s impossible to know how many dates the two of you will be going on. But she also acknowledges that there are “emotional connotations with paying and being paid for and even with talking about money,” and that “spending money represents different things to different people.”
“For one person, paying for a date may be a way to express their independence. Or it could represent their ability to be generous or a way of showing that they don’t need to worry about finances, perhaps because they didn’t experience this growing up,” Rachel shared. “Others might have been brought up not to talk about money and so find the fine details of working out who is paying what excruciating; or to believe that not offering to pay is shameful or a sign of weakness. Traditional stereotypes may pervade our unconscious reactions, such as paying being a sign of ability to protect and take care of a partner. In that case, a date not paying may cause someone to feel unsafe because it’s not familiar.”
Rachel also pointed out that cultural norms can lead to misunderstandings when it comes to money. “In some cultures, for example, it’s perfectly normal not to say ‘thank you’ when someone has paid, but just to assume that next time you’ll pay,” the expert explained. “And if one person is much wealthier than the other (but unaware of it), they may not think it a big deal to either pay or let the other person pay. The less well-off person might be too embarrassed to admit they can’t afford the cost of the date, and be relieved when the other person offers to pay. For many people, talking about these things is even harder than talking about your needs during sex!”
"Because there are probably multiple layers of cultural norms, belief and emotion, it’s best to ask for clarification in this kind of situation"
When it comes to Ashleigh’s situation in particular, Rachel says that it’s possible the man didn’t offer to pay her back because he just assumed that he would pick up the next bill. “Because there are probably multiple layers of cultural norms, belief and emotion, it’s best to ask for clarification in this kind of situation,” Rachel noted. “When she offered to pay the whole bill, she could have said to him, ‘I’ll pay it now and you can pay me back later, is that okay?’ Or she could say after: ‘Here are my bank details so you can send over your half,’ or, ‘Should we stop off at a cash point so you can pay me back?’ Or if she wants to wait and see if he offers, and then he doesn’t, she could later say, ‘I was confused that you didn’t discuss with me how to pay me my half back when we’d agreed to split the bill. What was your thought process there?’”
To avoid these kinds of misunderstandings in the future, Rachel recommends deciding in advance what your policy is when it comes to who should be paying. “Then you can be confident and relaxed about saying what you’d like to do, without anxiety or embarrassment, which will make it easier for the other person to be the same,” the expert says. “Discussing money - including spending habits, what money represents to you and your family, and attitudes towards risk and security - is as important for a date as other emotionally charged topics such as sex, religion, politics, life goals and childhood experiences. The sooner you can have these conversations, the more meaningful and informative your dates will be – and the more likely you are to form a connection, even if you disagree!”
“Keep your dates fairly cheap until you feel comfortable to communicate directly with each other,” Rachel added. “And discussing dating dilemmas - such as this one - is a great way to find out your date’s values as well as being a stimulating topic of conversation!” If you’d like to gain more dating tips from Rachel, be sure to visit her website or check out her dating workbook right here!
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing similar themes, we recommend checking out this one next!
Viewers had mixed feelings about Ashleigh’s video; some agreed, while others thought she was being unreasonable
