“I Dumped Him A Few Weeks Later”: 30 Gross Things Men Have Told Women Thinking They Were Compliments

According to the author of the viral thread, u/shmashleyshmith, the best way to handle situations where someone approaches you and makes inappropriate comments is to let them know. "I have found that, over time, if a person has been told over and over that they are embarrassing and gross and disgusting with the comments that they make, that eventually they're going to learn to stop making those comments and approach things in a different way that will actually work for them. Pretty much, it's operant conditioning," she explained to Bored Panda.

"So, if we all do our part to minimally embarrass the person who has said something that is totally disgusting and vile towards us, hopefully eventually that person can become a better functioning member of society, and learn to talk to women in a way that would make their mother proud."

The reality is that if you take this approach, there will be serious safety concerns to consider. "Some men really do not like it when their ego is bruised and may react in a way that could put us in harm's way. I think the best way to do it is to take an approach when you're not completely embarrassing them in front of everyone but still get your point across. Maybe pull them aside and say it quietly to them. Or go all in, take the risk, and say it in front of everybody. Create a whole Game of Thrones 'shame, shame, shame' walk. It's up to you."

The author warned that you can never truly know how any interaction will turn out. "It's up to us to make judgment calls on a person-to-person basis. We have to keep in mind that just because someone speaks in a way that comes off as creepy or just completely unaware of how to socialize with women (humans in general), doesn't mean that they're going to try to harm you. Just as if you come across a person who is extremely good-looking, charming, witty, and funny doesn't mean that you're safe," she said, noting how monstrous Ted Bundy was "liked by most people."

Redditor u/shmashleyshmith was kind enough to share the basic rules she has set for herself. She told Bored Panda that these rules have helped her feel safer whenever she leaves the house or goes to the bar or club.

"I never go out alone. Though 'safety in numbers' is an old rule, it is still around for a reason—it works. Also, drinking alone just makes me sad. If you have a group with you at the bar, you have the judgment of your friends to help direct your choices, if they get a bad vibe from a guy you're talking to, they will usually tell you. If you are super intoxicated and definitely shouldn't have been served that last drink, a friend will almost always be there to stop you from going into the parking lot with a stranger or hooking up with the guy who looks like Danny DeVito without your beer goggles on," she shared.

"If you get in a situation where you feel you need to tell the person they are being weird, creepy, or disgusting, TELL THE PERSON! Your group will back you up and be there to make sure that this creep is 100% less likely to retaliate due to their bruised ego and embarrassment. And you'll be doing your part in conditioning this person toward saying something nicer to the next one."

Another piece of safety advice, according to the OP, is to carry protection. For example, u/shmashleyshmith admitted that she owns a Taser "that can stop Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson in his tracks." She also has pepper spray and keeps bear spray at home. "I don't leave without pepper spray or my Taser. I have only ever used pepper spray once. If I didn't have it, I may not be here writing this now," she opened up to Bored Panda.

Meanwhile, she urged everyone to be prepared and be ready to scream their lungs out if you need to. "Always know where the nearest exit points are. Have your protection in a place easily accessible at a moment's notice. Wear GOOD SHOES!! Running in heels may work for Ariana Grande, but for the majority, it's dangerous and painful. Running barefoot is also not very safe, so I wear cute comfy shoes, always. Also, none of these will matter if you're too drunk to function. I never get to the point I am so intoxicated that I can't put together a sentence. You might need this skill to call 911." She added that you should always trust your intuition, and use good judgment and common sense.

We also asked the author about why some men say such creepy things in the first place, as well as what could help raise their self-awareness about how their behavior affects others. From the author's perspective, men who say creepy or disgusting things do so due to a lack of exposure to real-life situations. "They learned how to interact with women from TV or movies. If a kid grows up watching Friends and sees that Joey is getting a lot of women, he may come to the conclusion that is the best way to act around women. Pro tip: It's not. This is why it's important that we let them know when a line has been crossed."

However, sometimes, the issue is arrogance rather than ignorance. "In this case, I try to embarrass them so they know I am not the one. There is usually no hope for these guys unless they get into therapy and do some serious self-reflection and shadow work," she said.

"All we can do is your best to make sure that they leave us alone, maybe embarrass them a bit in the process if we feel up to it, and hope that they eventually get the help that they need."

There are two core issues here. The first is that some men are overtly toxic. They’re malicious, overly aggressive, have no respect for boundaries, and cannot take ‘no’ for an answer. They deal with rejection very badly and try to get what they want by pressuring others into uncomfortable situations.

These individuals need a lot of introspection and maybe the help of a therapist to see how their behavior affects others and why this isn’t acceptable in a civilized society. It’s possible that they lack empathy or that they haven’t ever been called out on their actions in public.

As per WebMD, there are a few main indicators of toxic masculinity. Toxic men tend to be homophobic, have a need for control, want to assert their power, and are very promiscuous. What’s more, they tend to avoid household chores, are prone to risky behaviors, avoid showing their emotions, and are violent in order to show their dominance of the situation.

The other issue is that some people are, well, genuinely unaware that their behavior is problematic. It’s a question of poor self-awareness. Essentially, some men are socially inept, have very little experience with flirting, and don’t understand how their comments can come across as weird.

They might have ‘good’ intentions (or not), but their execution is so bad that it pushes others away. Most people have been in situations where they make a stupid comment. It’s embarrassing. It’s awkward. But you embrace your mistake and you learn from your failure, mainly so that you don’t make these sorts of weird comments ever again because they scare people.

Everyday Feminism explains that if you want to be respectful of other people’s boundaries while approaching someone, you should keep their body language in mind. For example, if a woman is reading a book or has her headphones on while on the bus, on the train, etc., it’s likely that she wants to be left alone.

Some women might smile or act polite when approached because they’re nervous or scared, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that they want to continue their interaction with you. So, body language isn’t everything; you need to really listen to what they’re saying in your conversation, too.

If you ask for the woman’s number and she says ‘no,’ take the rejection and move on with your life. It’s creepy to be pushy or to pressure someone past this point.