Popular Green Flags That People Realized Too Late Were Massive Red Flags

Some people are sly creatures. They are the ones who are so adept at putting up a façade that you won’t realize it until you truly get to know them. 

They may project “green flag” traits, many of which are admirable, even aspirational. But if you have a good judge of character, it’ll only be a matter of when until you see that these are actually dangerous warning signs you should be aware of. 

Here are some examples of red flag behaviors disguised as supposedly desirable qualities, as shared in a recent Reddit thread. Feel free to take notes, and even join in the conversation in the comments below.

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He seemed so devoted to me. Even my friends said so. He became my stalker when I left. Beware extreme devotion.

Extreme confidence. Sometimes it’s just arrogance in disguise.

Green flag -- has a close relationship with their Mom.

Red flag -- tells their Mom too much about your relationship, lets Mom interfere in private manners, and won't defend you against or draw boundaries with their Mom because they always pick her side.

People pleasing. They seem so generous and considerate, but once you get to know them you realize it can come from a place of anxiety and that they are (unconsciously) manipulating people to like them, they can have trouble saying (or even knowing) what they need, they'll create covert contracts and resent you for not reading their minds, they won't be able to set boundaries with others, etc.

Always wanting to do exciting stuff. Eventually you're going to have a boring day where you need to cope with being bored or create a conversation without having something around you to talk about.

Recent one for me: it was him having nearly all of the same interests/causes/values/hobbies as I did.

I thought it was ✨️meant to be✨️.

Turns out he was just mirroring me after going through all of my socials and old posts to find out what I was passionate about.

To this day I have no idea who this man actually is and it creeps me out.

Edit: Thanks for the range of stories on both sides for this kind of scenario! I should have included this in the initial post, but I think that intent & motivation is the biggest driver here when crossing in to red flag/scary territory.

After the rug-pull, it was the overt lies re: shared values & vision for the future that was so shocking.Thanks to the comment section for making sure that this was highlighted.

They’re friends with everyone. At first, it seems great. They’re social, they’re outgoing, and they’re easy to get along with. You think it’s an awesome trait.

Then you realize they can never truly be your friend because everything you say gets out somehow. You can’t confide in them. If there’s a disagreement, everyone thinks you’re the issue because everyone has them as a friend. Very similar to the whole “a friend to all is a friend to none.”.

Went out of his way to make sure everyone knew he was a feminist. He was not and wanted to manipulate his way into trapping women.

Excessive romance and love bombing. It’s a sign they may not be connected to reality or will cycle through very strong emotions quickly. It’s not inherently “wrong” to be that way, but it can mean bad times are in your future.

Lots of “therapy speak”. It can signal emotional awareness and an ability for self-reflection and psychological mindedness at first, but often - especially if it’s excessive - it can reveal a tendency for self-centeredness, conceit, and arrogance. 

Almost everyone who I’ve met who’s told me “I’m trying to be less of a people pleaser and prioritize my own needs” has ended up being profoundly selfish .

They “like” everything. Without exception.

Being overly 'helpful'. It's the sunny side of control.

Green flag 💚 - very social and happy, overly positive and brightens the room, can work any room or social situation.

Red flag ♥️ - loves the attention too much, is flirtatious with others because it's a quick way to get positive attention, always has to be the center of everyone's world.

Sometimes work ethic can fall into this category. In the beginning, someone might seem like a hard worker who is always going above and beyond, but for some as time goes on, you realize they’re really a workaholic.

How confident they are. Usually in my experience this just turns into being extremely prideful.

Being low maintenance or just wanting to “go with the flow” can seem refreshing at first, but it will eventually mean more work for someone else. Decisions have to be made sometimes, and it’s annoying when one person in the relationship has to make them because the other person has a “oh whatever is fine” attitude.

Edit: Wow, I did not expect my comment to get so much attention, R.I.P. my inbox and thanks for the awards! It’s been interesting reading the comments.

Obviously, there are situations where “going with the flow” is a good thing, sometimes it can be difficult to express your opinion and make decisions when you’ve spent your life being shot down by other people, and sometimes there are relationships where one person naturally takes the lead.

My main point is that communication is vital, if both people are fine with one person making the decisions, that’s great. In a healthy relationship you need to communicate with each other to make sure one person doesn’t feel put upon or feels like their opinions don’t matter. Resentment is a relationship ender!

Extreme attentiveness can be seen as a green flag a lot of times, but usually turns into a red flag pretty quickly where they become controlling and/or get frustrated when you want space.

"My family is very important to me"
Could be a general sign of healthy values, but could also mean you get to spend endless time with their family.

Coming over too affectionate at a very early stage, and being controlling of your time - wanting to be with you all the time and not wanting you to have any conversation or activity, however innocent, with anyone else. Many people mistake this for affection when it is the thin end of a very controlling wedge.

Some of the biggest cheaters I’ve known have had that ‘golden retriever’ energy - adorable, sweet, playful seeming guys who want to be friends with everyone, have lots of women friends etc. Not saying those traits are inherently bad at all and of course there are exceptions but it’s very wolf in adorable-sheep’s- I’m so harmless -clothing. And their family members are usually clueless and think they’re the sweetest dudes to exist.

You start to notice it when their closest friends start dropping like flies because they always need to feel popular and validated with female attention.

I wouldn’t call it a “red flag” per se, but at some point pretty early on in our relationship, I realized that my amazing, doting new boyfriend (now husband) is a chronic people pleaser. And it’s exhausting for both of us. He genuinely loves making others around him happy (me, friends, family) but he doesn’t understand that doing so is often a detriment to himself if he’s constantly neglecting his own wants and needs for the sake of others.

For example, if we’re deciding what to order for dinner, and I suggest something, he’ll almost never tell me “no.” It’s only from knowing him as long as I have that I’ve learned certain tells so I can figure out when he’s just people pleasing. It can get exhausting for both of us. We’d both benefit more if he’d stop *always* sacrificing his wants and needs to make others happy.

Very highly motivated people are climbing up rungs, including what they consider the "quality" of friends and spouses, so they are always willing to abandon friends for what they think is a better set.  Ambition is a great quality until pushed too far.

Being kind to the point that they let other people walk all over them, and being in relationship with them creates complications for you.

Green Flag: Agreeable, gets along with everyone.

Red Flag: Conflict avoidant, will let problems go on or people get hurt to avoid rocking the boat.

They tell you how great life has been since you entered. Sounds flattering until you realize they’re just lonely and filling a void.

"White knighting" or "virtue signaling" can often reveal that the person is overcompensating for a deficiency of virtue.

Someone who is always preaching be kind and policing others kindness. Every time they have been the sketchiest people who are just using it as a front to cover the horrible things they do that they get away with because everyone not currently on the receiving end of their nonsense says 'but they're so kind'.

"Fun-loving". It can be exciting at first but tends to get old very quickly.

Non-confrontational people. Conflict is necessary in deep relationships.

They have too many of the same interests as you or take interest so much in yours…then you realize… they have no “them”….

Anyone had this one? It’s tricky.

When you get close to someone with an insane speed. Like when you know them for 1 day and it feels like you are soulmates, like you are made for each other, like this person looks into your soul. They will confess "deep things" and you will reciprocate. They will be vulnerable, you will be too. It feels like being high.

And I don't mean this in romantic contexts only! This can happen in friendships as well. It feels like "OMG this is the bestie friend I have been waiting for my entire life."

It usually means: love bombing. It's a person who is a master of reading your weaknesses and getting right into your mind. Often they lie. Be very very careful. These people then make a U turn and use everything you confided in them against you and destroy you in the worst way possible.

Being a people pleaser - they'll throw your needs under the bus to be liked.

Being calm all the time - you'll struggle to get them to be invested or passionate.

Being nice to everyone. They want to be liked real bad. They will not have your back if it means getting on someone else's bad side. They love to sit on the fence and play diplomat with everyone. They r great friends to hang with and all, but don't count on them in tough times.

I am going to throw this here. But I think it’s quite often that a person’s strength is also their weakness and vice versa. So we all have flaws..I think it’s most important that a person is willing to learn about himself and others and grow.

They talk about themselves and when you try and change the subject they bring it back to them.

Working like 70+ hours a week. That home life can't be happy.

Wanting to be everyone’s friend.

“A friend of everyone is a friend of no-one”.

Oversharing. It can be comforting but then YOU'RE SUDDENLY INVOLVED.

People pleasers can be hard to spot, especially guys. They come across as very agreeable, but they hide their true selves from others and often are resentful and angry underneath the charm.

People that are very outwardly accepting and inclusive can very often be extremely judgmental in private.

Oozing charm.

That usually ends up being 100% plastic and then the big reveal happens and you get covered in ick.

Being really really into you from the get go. Showing a lot of affection and making grand gestures in the very early days. It feels good in one way because it feels nice to be so desired. But those can be signs of a narcissist. Underneath all of that flattery is someone who doesn’t actually care about you and just wants to manipulate you.

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