People Share The Best Comebacks They've Heard, They Deliver 35 That Burned The Most

My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married. Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first. Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either. Point goes to Granny.

"If you weren't so stupid what would you be?" Asks the husband. The wife replies, without even skipping a beat. "Single"

I have a twin brother. I’m older. He once told me when I came out, they knew it was a mistake and immediately tried again. I told him he was the “buy one get one of equal or lesser value free”. There was a fight after that one

Marylin monroe once had someone tell her "the only reason you look so beautiful is your expensive clothes." The next day she went and did a photoshoot in nothing but a potato sack. I plan on getting that as a tattoo.

Between to ferns with Obama. Zach: "It must kinda stink that you can’t run three times." Obama: "No, actually i think it’s a good idea. If I ran a third time would be kinda like doing a third hangover movie. Didn’t really work out very well, didn’t it"

The classic: "You're adopted" "At least my parents chose to have me"

In class someone used the f slur on someone and he replied with "I'm probably as straight as the pole your mom dances on"

Timur the emperor of the Timurid Empire sent a chest full of horse p**p to the Ottoman sultan Bayezid and the sultan sent back a chest full of sweets and delights with a note that said " Everybody gifts what they eat."

Probably not the best of all time but here goes, at work one night my crew was cleaning up trash out of the middle of the interstate inside of a lane closure. We get up to where another crew is working on machines, and these guys are [jerks]. They seriously act like they are Gods gift to construction, so the conversation goes as this. Me: can y’all move over for a second so we can get by? [jerk] to his guys: c’mon guys let’s get out of this little lady’s way so she can pick up our trash. [jerk] to me: y’all are slower than h**l, plus look you even missed some. Me: oh I’m sorry I don’t think I can fit you in this bag, I’ll come back after I open a new one and maybe we can squeeze you in there

A friend of mine was getting b****ed at by these 2 identical twin girls in a class I had once, he replied with a troubling look on his face and said "if you two are identical, how come only 1 of you are hot?" That dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session.

My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered "If you'd lose some weight, you could do it yourself." She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered "I'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately..." He replied "You're going to cut off your foot?"

Quiet guy in my art class got called queer bait. He replied with “If I’m the bait then you’re the catch of the day”

Back in high school, I was in the orchestra. We went on several big national trips each year. One year, a group of upper classmen were busted for pot in their hotel room. Everyone except one guy was suspended and prohibited to attend future trips. The one guy who wasnt in trouble apparently hid in the shower and played dumb, and they believed him. So a week later the entire orchestra is practicing with the teaching assistant when our conductor enters the practice room, and in front of the entire 114 members of the orchestra, says "Jason, all your friends ratted you out. They're mad. I'm mad. You played me like a fiddle." "That's what I play," Jason replied, raising his violin.

Me: We should learn from our mistakes! My friend: So that's why you have a younger sister?

An arab poet met a guy on the streets, trying to belittle the poet the guy said "i saw you from afar i thought you were a woman" the poet responded "i saw you from afar and thought you were a man"