Someone Asks People To Share The Best Comebacks They've Heard, They Deliver 40 That Burned The Most

“There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair,” - Alexander Hamilton to Thomas Jefferson

Joe Pyne interviewing Frank Zappa

Joe: "I guess your long hair makes you a woman."

FZ: "I guess your wooden leg makes you a table."

Woman I work with, but don’t like, was in a MOOD one morning. Male colleague comes in, after putting up with her for a bit, looks at her and says, ‘Are you on your period or something?’. She turns around and stony-eyed says, ‘I woke up in a pool of blood and if you don’t shut up, you’ll end your day the exact same way.’ Never respected her until then.

A french manager and a Karen were arguing.
Karen: customers are kings.
Manager: you're in France, here we decapitate kings.

During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.

The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home."

Winston Churchill, of course.

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.

Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

Context: John Oliver from HBO interviews Stephen Hawking (may he rest in peace)

JO: And there may be a universe where I am more intelligent than you?

SH: There may even be a universe where you are funny.

David Letterman: I'm not as dumb as I look.

Tina Fey: How could you be?

A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, "Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife's bottom." The friend also rubs his head and says, "Wow - you're right."

A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.

Dbag: “why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?”

My friend: “the same reason you watch adult movies”

The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

in middle school a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his......

I'm still really proud of that one.

English class in Middle School

Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like s**t having a mom that works at McDonalds"

Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work"

English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!"

The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on...

My mom was a librarian and pulled this one on a rude patron.

"Are you getting smart with me?"

"Would you be able to tell?"

Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”

Ghandi after a Reporter asked him a question.

Reporter: What do you think of Western Civilisation

Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea

18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox".

Wilkes shot back with "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."

It's gotta be the Aliens locker room scene for me.

Hudson: "Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?"

Vasquez: "No, have you?"

Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their [marbles], it was amazing

Air Traffic Control doing a poor job of vectoring an Airbus A330 in for landing. Pilot: "You've left us too high, I don't think we can make the approach." ATC: "You've got speedbrakes on that thing, don't you?" Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) "Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours."

When my younger brother was about 5 he would hold up a picture of an ape and say "Hey, look in this mirror", to which my older brother replied "That's a picture of an ape but I see why you thought it was a mirror."