In a perfect world, marriages last forever. The couple gets to fulfill the vows they made to each other, until death do they part. But as we know, life doesn’t work that way.
Many marriages end, whether abruptly or after decades of prolonging a costly mistake. These people would know what the latter feels like, and they shared their experiences in a Reddit thread from a few years ago. Some expressed sheer joy, while others struggled to get back on their feet for a while.
If you’ve gone through something similar, we’d like to hear about it in the comment boxes below. As you scroll through, you will also find some insights from a few experts about gray divorces.
#21
A hundred million percent better!!!
I've tired of "grey" men who just want mommies they can f*** and who contribute zero
Unfortunately, in my generation that is the majority.
I've tired of "grey" men who just want mommies they can f*** and who contribute zero
Unfortunately, in my generation that is the majority.
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26points
Emma also brought up an important point: Love in the conventional sense is not a critical factor in determining whether a relationship is worth keeping. As she explained, it’s more about knowing whether the marriage is “becoming a source of life, or a drain to their lives.”
“When the emotional price tag is excessively high, leaving may seem the healthier alternative,” she said. Couples should evaluate “whether it is actually possible to stay in the relationship or if it is time to forget about the past and open a new page.”
#22
Better.
So f*****g much better.
Except I missed being around my kids 24/7 for the last couple of years.
So f*****g much better.
Except I missed being around my kids 24/7 for the last couple of years.
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26points
#23
Not me, but I have an aunt and uncle who divorced in retirement. Their own kids say they wish they had done it sooner, and I noticed 20 years ago that they were amicable but not in love anymore. They're both now living their best lives. My aunt travels everywhere and my uncle has a new girlfriend.
I absolutely wish my husband had beaten cancer, but I don't know if we could've handled retirement. I need lots of quiet time and he was the sort who just. couldn't. shut. up. Work, conferences, separate travel for bike rides and the like, were always a blessing. We wouldn't have had those in retirement, and no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you just need to get away. It would've been quite a challenge. It's not an insurmountable one though, if both parties are on board.
I absolutely wish my husband had beaten cancer, but I don't know if we could've handled retirement. I need lots of quiet time and he was the sort who just. couldn't. shut. up. Work, conferences, separate travel for bike rides and the like, were always a blessing. We wouldn't have had those in retirement, and no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you just need to get away. It would've been quite a challenge. It's not an insurmountable one though, if both parties are on board.
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25points
#24
Not sure if divorcing at 55 counts as "Grey" but in my case much better off emotionally, not so much financially.
My own fault for letting her keep the bulk of our retirement funds. Now we are both turning 65, and she is retired and traveling, and I'm looking at working for at least the next several years.
My own fault for letting her keep the bulk of our retirement funds. Now we are both turning 65, and she is retired and traveling, and I'm looking at working for at least the next several years.
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22points
From her end, Martha encourages looking at it from a financial perspective. She advises asking questions such as, “What will the retirement assets look like after the split? Will I have enough to live on? How will it impact my adult children (if there are any)?”
Martha adds that while the parent who keeps the marital home has the “advantage,” the children may become estranged from the parent who moves out.
“Easier said than done, but maintaining dignity and mutual respect during the process should be a goal.”
#25
My 30 year marriage ended three years ago, when my ex had an affair with a woman he met on Twitter. I gathered up my self respect and left... moved 8 hours south to be close to my grown kids. I don't miss his constant negativity, reliance on substances to cope with life, lack of integrity, and general unreliability one bit. The affair burned itself out in a few months and he isn't having much success with women since, from what I've heard.
I got married for the first time at 18, and always had a new man lined up as I left relationships. It feels good to be single, and to be content just as myself, not needing a partner to complete or validate me.
My sister left her marriage of 35 years and divorced her husband around the same time I did. She reconnected with a high school boyfriend and they got married last year. They're good together and I'm really happy for her. Our post divorce lives took different paths, and both are good ones.
I got married for the first time at 18, and always had a new man lined up as I left relationships. It feels good to be single, and to be content just as myself, not needing a partner to complete or validate me.
My sister left her marriage of 35 years and divorced her husband around the same time I did. She reconnected with a high school boyfriend and they got married last year. They're good together and I'm really happy for her. Our post divorce lives took different paths, and both are good ones.
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21points
#26
My dad was lonely at 85 after his second wife died. (My mom was gone as well). We kept saying, Dad, you need a girlfriend. Of course in his retirement home there were 95% women and him. But he said he didn't want to date a grandmother for god's sake, he wanted an 18-year old, and no 18 year old would want him. We believed him. Dad, that's disgusting.
He died a week short of 90. Lonely.
He died a week short of 90. Lonely.
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20points
#27
Both better and worse but the balance tips towards better. On the better side, the bickering has ended, no more dealing with selfishness, childish outbursts or drunken belligerence, my finances are simpler, easier financial planning, I'm free and have nobody to answer to other than myself so my future is whatever I make of it.
On the worse side, I seriously need to get laid, life is easier with a partner, nobody to explore and experience life with and build shared memories, so many great memories are now regrets, nobody is looking out for me - if I died nobody would know or care until rent was due or some deadline passed.
It feels weird though. After all my years, I have no roots and no real attachment to anything. Once I drifted away from my wife there was just nothing left to orient myself around. My life is completely rudderless. Still, no regrets. I'll figure it out.
On the worse side, I seriously need to get laid, life is easier with a partner, nobody to explore and experience life with and build shared memories, so many great memories are now regrets, nobody is looking out for me - if I died nobody would know or care until rent was due or some deadline passed.
It feels weird though. After all my years, I have no roots and no real attachment to anything. Once I drifted away from my wife there was just nothing left to orient myself around. My life is completely rudderless. Still, no regrets. I'll figure it out.
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19points
#28
20 years married (25 yr relationship). Better in many ways. Financially we've each suffered a bit, but both had big work changes in there too. My life is better in the sense of being alone for the first time ever in my life. I'm enjoying it, unsure of what the future brings, and that's ok.
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18points
#29
Divorced after 29 years, remarried now for 2 years and sooo much happier. My ex couldn't stand to visit his parents because of their bickering, and I TOTALLY saw ourselves in them down the line if we stayed together.
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18points
#30
Life is both easier and harder in unexpected ways. Getting out of such a miserable situation has been liberating but I'd do a relationship again because life is still better with a partner.
16points
#31
I have been in therapy for years. Nothing helps loneliness and men my age only want s*x. There's nothing wrong with that but becuz I had such a bad marriage I just left to find someone who really loved me. Been dating 15 years with no luck. Turns out I am a handful.
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15points
#32
I’m 51f, divorced after 25 years. I stayed in the marriage until my children graduated high school. My life now is better than I could have ever imagined.
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15points
#33
My sister got divorced a few years ago after 29 years of marriage. For myself, her husband seemed a bit of a baby (couldn't really do anything for himself), but I didn't have any problems with him. A few years prior, we had a girl's trip with our niece and my BIL literally ate cereal for every meal while she was gone. My husband, OTOH, cooked for himself and went out to eat!
My brother hadn't liked him from the get-go and they almost had words a few times. My sister also had cancer a few years back and I started to see some cracks in their relationship. We live a few thousand miles apart, though, and usually when she came to visit, he was working.
They never had kids and I learned after the divorce that they hadn't ever combined their money, which turned out to be a blessing, even if it was hard for me to understand. She handled nearly all the financial things and paid the bills. Luckily, his mommy lives close.
Ultimately, an affair (his) broke them up. I kind of wonder if they'd eventually have gotten divorced if something hadn't pushed them. I think he thought he was going to ride off into the sunset with the other woman, but she dumped him a few months after the divorce was final.
My sister has recovered mostly now, but she was pretty sad for a while. She never cared for his parents, and they are very old. I think she's glad she doesn't have to witness the family falling apart when they're gone, although she does still sometimes spend time with her ex. She told me she was going to ghost him, but it didn't happen.
My brother hadn't liked him from the get-go and they almost had words a few times. My sister also had cancer a few years back and I started to see some cracks in their relationship. We live a few thousand miles apart, though, and usually when she came to visit, he was working.
They never had kids and I learned after the divorce that they hadn't ever combined their money, which turned out to be a blessing, even if it was hard for me to understand. She handled nearly all the financial things and paid the bills. Luckily, his mommy lives close.
Ultimately, an affair (his) broke them up. I kind of wonder if they'd eventually have gotten divorced if something hadn't pushed them. I think he thought he was going to ride off into the sunset with the other woman, but she dumped him a few months after the divorce was final.
My sister has recovered mostly now, but she was pretty sad for a while. She never cared for his parents, and they are very old. I think she's glad she doesn't have to witness the family falling apart when they're gone, although she does still sometimes spend time with her ex. She told me she was going to ghost him, but it didn't happen.
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14points
#34
Divorced after 22 years and my life is worse. Wayyy worse.
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14points
#35
Divorced after 19 years in mid 40s. Remarried 5 years later this one is much better.
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14points
#36
As a gay guy I often hear the laments of women about men, clothing and shoes. It took some time to realize that many, if not most, women voluntarily suffer because of other women. Women admit they often dress to impress other women.
The men they choose lose their luster soon after the wedding. Who's special day was it again? Many women say I don't need a man. Truth is they never really did; except so they could have a wedding.
The men they choose lose their luster soon after the wedding. Who's special day was it again? Many women say I don't need a man. Truth is they never really did; except so they could have a wedding.
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7points