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To learn more about the "nice guy" syndrome (NGS), we reached out to Dr. Jesse Matthews, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Chester Springs, PA. "[It] of course isn’t an actual psychiatric disorder or condition, but a term coined on the Internet to describe a social phenomenon that has existed for a long time," he told Bored Panda.
"NGS is essentially the mindset and approach of many guys toward women. It rests on one of two premises: that women should like, want to date, or want to sleep with them because they are 'nice guys', or that being a 'nice guy' entitles them to the attention and affection of women."
Dr. Matthews explained that the first premise makes logical sense to these guys "because people like or are more attracted to nice people, right? The second is more extreme, given the sense of entitlement that some of these guys feel, and this suggests deeper issues like narcissism or even sociopathy/psychopathy. They may see it as, 'Ok, I’ve done the work, now it’s time for me to be paid'."
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When asked what causes such behavior, the psychologist mentioned that there isn’t any one thing that can lead to this kind of ideology or behavior, but if he had to point out a few things, it would be low self-confidence or self-esteem, anxiety, depression, narcissism, or other psychological issues.
"It could also be a rigid concept of dating and relationships, that exhibiting certain behavior (i.e. 'nice') is going to lead to an expected outcome. Or, it could be a belief that being 'nice' is a good relationship strategy," Dr. Matthews said and added that perhaps it’s worked for them before, this is the persona a guy has taken on, or they have seen it on TV or movies.
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However, the so-called "nice guys" can turn into men who endorse toxic masculinity. Dr. Matthews argued that most of these fellows believe they are genuinely good people and perhaps the opposite of "abusive, sexist, alpha male" types.
"Of course, it’s good to be nice, meaning kind, honest, genuine, respecting boundaries, and so on — but NGS is a more extreme version of that. It discounts the fact that women have free will, and who they are and are not attracted to does not always have to do with how nice they are." So when it doesn’t work out for them, "they are going to be hurt and upset, and are going to blame either the world or the woman."
When men act like this enough times, it leads to negative attitudes about women — from "they don’t know what they’re missing" to "they don’t know what they want" to "they’re stupid" to "how dare she reject me". Since guys believe their behavior should be rewarded, they are likely to feel rejected and perhaps hurt very personally when this doesn’t happen, Dr. Matthews explained.
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When it comes to getting rid of NGS, men need to reflect on and change their attitudes about women, dating, relationships, and so on since these attitudes appear to drive the behavior. "Gaining insight into having these attitudes and then where they came from would be an important starting point."
"This can be done through self-reflection, reading books or articles, watching videos, and of course going to therapy. Even without a sense of entitlement or ever doing anything 'harmful' to a woman, NGS is certainly an ineffective way to go about relationships, and it does include an element of manipulation. It’s unlikely that even a 'successful' relationship that started this way would work out in the long run."
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As for women who encounter these "nice guys", Dr. Matthews noted it’s important to recognize when a guy is acting this way since their behavior is often not as kind as it seems. "There is a difference between being a friend and playing the nice role in hopes of some reward. If possible, women should pay attention to any signs, since “nice guy” behavior can … escalate in the form of bigger gestures, increased touching or affection, or suggesting or asking for things in return."
It would be a good idea to back away and not to have it go any farther, "or tell the person that you appreciate their kindness or support, but you are ok now. One could also call a guy out if they felt comfortable, but again some of these guys can feel quite rejected and may get very angry and lash out. And in a small number of cases, they can become aggressive or resort to tactics like blackmail to try to get what they want."
"This is a real problem that women deal with. At best, it’s just guys without the confidence to go about showing interest in a more direct way or with unrealistic ideas about relationships. There is likely a spectrum of manipulative behavior they use to try to get women to like them, but at worst, it is based on sexism or a toxic view of women and relationships, as well as narcissism," Dr. Matthews concluded.
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We also managed to get in touch with the author of this post, targetgoldengoose. "I was completely fed up with the amount of messages I was getting on Facebook and Reddit," the user explained why she decided to post this question on Ask Reddit. "Just the hint that you are female brought out the worst in men on certain social media platforms.”
"I had posted it because I had a particular person that just didn't get the hint that I was happily married and I didn't want their attention," she told Bored Panda. "Then I thought to myself, you know, what would actually happen if you did go out with someone who was a bit socially inept, who considers himself a self-proclaimed 'nice guy'." However, she never expected the thread to get this much attention.
So many women started sharing their own "nice guy" stories. Targetgoldengoose thinks that the reason behind this is that "our society is starting to degrade very badly, [and] there aren't enough people who are willing to correct other people when they are obviously being a bad person."