“AITA For Telling Her ‘It's My Choice To Leave Too’ After She Said ‘My body, My Choice’”

For those seeking to bring children into the family, infertility issues can be a strong blow to take. Fortunately, there are other ways to become parents, such as adoption or surrogacy.

The latter is what this redditor’s partner was ready to undertake for her sister, in case she’s unable to have children. This was a promise she made when they were children, but the woman’s boyfriend wasn’t too happy about it. Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with the Assistant Professor of Health Communication at the University of Connecticut, Elizabeth Hintz, who was kind enough to share her thoughts on the matter.

Image  credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image source: StuckinBluein2024

Discussing certain matters—no matter how unpleasant the conversation might be—is arguably a must before making a lifelong commitment. Even if everything seems perfect as it is and the partners are highly compatible, some things the future holds might lead to not seeing eye to eye or in some cases, even result in people going their separate ways.

“It is extremely important for people to discuss their perspectives on serious topics including whether, and if so, how, they plan to become parents. People who fail to have these serious conversations tend to experience more conflict in their relationships down the road,” health communication expert Elizabeth Hintz told Bored Panda in a recent interview.

Research suggests that without strong communication skills and practiced space to engage in difficult conversations, people in a romantic relationship might face troubles during certain transitional periods in their relationship.

For many of them, moving in together often marks the first shift of a larger extent in their partnership. And that provides them with an opportunity to work on developing said skills or have certain conversations, which might benefit the relationship in the long run.

Whether it’s marriage or moving in together, one of the main topics to discuss, even if it makes some people uncomfortable, is money. Surveys found that the absolute majority of respondents—as much as 99% of them—believe that it’s important to have a discussion about finances; however, only 35% of them actually do. The main reason seemingly stopping people from talking about it is not knowing how or when to address the topic.

“Honest and open communication is extremely important, but what is even more important is the perception that you could be open with your romantic partner if you wanted to be (not necessarily that you are open all the time, which might sound like it would be a nightmare). Knowing that you could talk to your partner about any issue is essential,” Hintz pointed out.

According to author and affiliate associate professor at the University of Washington School of Social Work, Wendy Lustbader, some of the most important things to discuss before marriage, in addition to money, are views towards such aspects of a relationship as monogamy and intimacy, attitudes towards family, including the existing one and the one the couple might start together, and religious beliefs, among other things.

Some of the important questions the expert suggested that couples talk through included whether the partners respect each other’s beliefs about the role of a higher power in human life or the absence thereof, how do both of them feel about the importance of communicating their desires and preferences to each other, and are there cultural differences in terms of how relationships within each other’s extended family are viewed, just to name a few.

In terms of starting a family of their own, Lustbader emphasized the importance of talking about whether both of the partners want to be parents, how do each of them view the necessary compromises that come with having a child, and how best to approach a situation when one person believes in strict parental discipline while the other feels that a gentler way might work better.

“Confirmation theory suggests that these kinds of conversations are best received when they communicate two things: firstly, acceptance—the validation that the other person is loved and supported, and secondly, challenge—a prompt to make a behavior change or consider an alternative perspective,” Hintz explained.

“In other words, it’s really important when having difficult conversations about health-related matters, such as the possible outcomes of a pregnancy, to affirm your unconditional acceptance and care for the other person, and then also share your concerns in the form of a challenge to the other person. For example, ‘I love you and I am here to support you no matter what, but I’m worried about your decision and think you should seriously weigh the potential health risks of surrogacy and childbirth’.”

In the OP’s case, the talk about children he had with his partner was not related to having kids of their own and involved a promise made by his girlfriend he was not even aware of. And even though at the time of the conversation it was just a theoretical question, the partners didn’t see eye to eye on the matter, which is why some redditors pointed out that even though neither of them was necessarily a jerk to the other, they might be incompatible with each other.