Giving gifts can be tricky. People often make the mistake of giving others what they want to receive, and then act surprised why the person isn't happy. However, some people also think they can decide what the person does with the gift.
This mother gave her adult son $600 so he could treat himself after a rough patch: he just became a new father and has been working hard lately. But, when he decided to split the gift with his wife, the mother wasn't amused. So, she asked for advice online: should she say something or should she keep her mouth shut?
To better understand whether the mother is being unreasonable, Bored Panda sought the expertise of an LMFT and Certified Financial Therapist Nathan Astle. He explained the intricacies of deciding what the other person does with a gift, and you can read his expert insights below!
A young father received a $600 gift from his mother and decided to split it with his wife
Image credits: Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)
But his mother got angry; the money was meant for him and him only
Image credits: Rosa Rafael (not the actual photo)
Image credits: BySassyUmberPeer
If gifts come with conditions, the giver should let the person know beforehand
Gifts can take many forms: experiences, material things, and even cheques or cash. In fact, many people actually prefer to receive money as gifts: in a 2019 survey from Mint, 61% of the respondents said they would like cash or a gift card more than a "traditional" present. So, cash gifts are totally cool now.
What isn't cool, however, is gifts that come with strings attached. The conditions of the gift given by the mother in this story aren't that bad. Often, people have ulterior motives when they give gifts. Some imagine they can now make certain requests, others think the person is now indebted to them.
Gifts should be altruistic and given out of generosity. Most people give gifts to show appreciation and love to the other person. And so did the mother in this story; she said her son has been working hard and she showed her love through a monetary gift.
"If you are giving a gift and have a specific request with it, that needs to be made explicit at the time of giving the gift," financial therapist Nathan Astle says.
"But in the end, that's the whole point of gifts is that it is up to the other person how it will be used. In this case, more communication about what your wishes about the gift would be helpful to the other party."
"In general, we can't control what others do when we give a gift. It really isn't our place to tell someone how to use their money. We need boundaries in our relationships, even in the relationships we care about most. Perhaps especially in those relationships."
Men need self-care just as much—if not more—than women
The mother is right about one thing, though: women practice self-care more often than men do. In a 2024 survey of U.S. adults, a higher percentage of women would practice every form of self-care, from spending time with friends and family to enjoying spa treatments.
However, when it comes to what young parents spend money on, it's the opposite. "Research shows that women tend to spend money more on things for the family while men are more likely to spend money on things for themselves, especially in young parenthood," Nathan Astle told Bored Panda. "For all we know, the son told his wife that he wanted her to use it on some spa days."
Still, self-care and mental well-being are just as important for men and young fathers as they are for women and mothers. Experts say that we need to normalize self-care for men, as many of them don't take proper care of their mental well-being.
Cleveland Clinic reports that 44% of men believe they're leading a healthy lifestyle but don't prioritize their mental health. In fact, 65% say that they're hesitant to seek professional help for concerns like anxiety, depression, and stress.
"Throughout the generations, we've been told that seeking help is a sign of weakness,” Dr. Adam Borland, PsyD, explained. "Men are told that we're supposed to deal with our issues and keep them internalized. We're told that talking about how you're feeling is more of a feminine trait."
Self-care isn't just about spa treatments, shopping, and other "girly" things. Reading, exercising, socializing, or eating a healthy diet are self-care practices too. "Self-care is not a standalone practice but a way of being in integrity with one's body and identity," wellness coach Jeff Siegel, M.Ed. writes.
People in the comments gave the mother a reality check: the son obviously wanted to share it with the person he loves
