43 Times Medical Professionals Couldn’t Keep A Straight Face With A Funny Patient

Nurse here. I walked in to a patient’s room to introduce myself. She was in her 90’s, with big thick glasses and she was knitting a scarf. She then proceeded to tell me a series of the raunchiest dirty jokes I’ve ever heard. My favorite was: what did the egg say to the boiling water? I don’t know if I can get hard, I just got laid.

Another favorite a 99-year-old woman that had a bruised leg. The entire leg was bruised, ankle to thigh. I asked her how it happened. She said “I fell during my step aerobics class. It hurt so bad I could hardly drive home.”

We get toned to a call. The radio is [bad], but what we get is something to the effect of, “lawn mower, double leg amputation.” And the address. Everyone starts heading to the scene, pretty sure they even had a helicopter take off. We get to the scene, a good 20 minutes away, and they request a UTV to get the guy. It starts to dawn on us, the amputation and the lawn mower are not related like we initially thought. This double leg amputee rode his riding lawnmower down the the lake and the battery [had no charge], rendering him unable to get back. We rescued him, he bellowed, “it’s me! I’m the idiot!” as he cleared the woods, got in his pick up, nearly backed over our rig, and drove off into the night.

I had a drunk guy apparently fall in love with me and would not stop hitting on me for the entire 7 minute transport. He even proposed to me in the Ambulance garage while he was still on the cot. Mind you I'm an overweight, short guy in my 30s, while I am bi I am also happily married and politely turned him down. My wife first got jealous then found it hilarious.

Two of our regular drunks come in (separately) by ambulance on a busy day. They're actually not very drunk today so they get sent out to the lobby to wait. They get bored, head to the nearby grocery store for some liquor. They return completely plastered. One is pushing the other in a wheelchair. They come flying down the ramp, hit a bump. Now Drunk in the wheelchair goes flying through the air and Drunk # 2 falls down laughing so hard he hits his head. I also almost fall down laughing as they both now need actual medical attention. "Goddangit Boys!". I no longer send either of them to the lobby to wait.

Had an elderly woman that most likely had a UTI so she was confused at the time.

On the way to the hospital my newer EMT partner hit a set of railroad tracks a little too fast and about sent me through the ceiling of the ambulance. Out of reaction I yelled “Jesus Christ!”

My patient responded with “Where?!”.

I had to explain to a 17 year old girl and her mother that she was not in fact "allergic" to alcohol, but she was just hungover.

She complained that on nights when she drank too much vodka, usually on an empty stomach, that she would feel nauseous, flushed and sometimes vomit in the morning. But it didn't happen all the time, and there were no other typical symptoms of an allergic reaction.

Dental nurse, so nothing all that outragous. But the one patient that definitely sticks to my memory is one old lady, she first came to us when she needed a new denture done. And what happened to the old, or rather, the previous denture? Well, you see, she had workers round her house to clean the septic tank. And she just had her dentures done a few days ago before that, and was still not quite used to wearing them. So, she stands at one end of the septic, one of the workers on the other, and she wanted to yell something at him. She just started "yo wait...!" And the upper denture yeeted itself from her mouth, and yup, directly into the septic tank. I really wish I was a fly on the wall when that happened, because the way she described it is just one huge ROFL siituation, that could be made better only if one saw it with their own eyes xD.

Just an ambulance EMT, and I only worked for the summer, but I had this one patient who had a head injury from hitting the curb on a motorized scooter and flying off. He was repeating himself, obviously hit his head pretty good. To test his memory, I asked him “do you know what happened to you?” (the fire department had told me the story) then when he couldn’t recall and I told him, he said “yeah, that sounds like me”.

Coming out of anesthesia after a tonsillectomy at 26, I yelled, “Lieutenant Dan, you ain’t got no tonsils!”.

When I took the woman's meds to her and encouraged her to take them, she said, "I already did. You weren't here. I traveled ahead in time and took them and now I'm back at normal time." This is also the same woman that told me once, "I'm a bird, that's too big for a bird to eat, especially when I still have to fly today." She made the most of her dementia. 😊

Several years ago a colleague told me of a 89 year old lady came into A&E with a very high heart rate (referred by her GP).

After examining her and asking questions about smoking, diet etc, he asked her if she took alcohol, she confirmed she had a little red wine every day, he ask roughly how much, she wasn't really sure. "On a bad day I have a glass or two, on a good day I finish the bottle. Turns out she has a standing order with the local wine merchant for a case (12 bottles) a week.

“Did you have to go to school to do this?”

Nope they just handed me a scalpel and told me to try my best.

“You’re cute, I’m almost done with my syphilis meds if you want to go out on a date.”

I politely said I had a girlfriend.

She called my belly a beer shelf and then made up a very profane, but very good, rap about me while transporting her.

I'm in Nursing school. My friend was telling me a male patient woke up and asked, "did I start my period?"

wat

My family and I talk about this guy all the time and every time we have to chuckle at how ridiculous he was.

I'm not the doctor in the family, my mother is. She was scheduled to perform a surgery on a patient who was traveling here from out of state. He brought along his wife and a few kids, and they stayed in a hotel near the hospital. Morning of the surgery he *accidentally* confessed to eating an entire continental breakfast (think eggs, bacon, a bagel, a couple of muffins, and one of those diy waffles some hotels have) before leaving the hotel and arriving at the hospital that morning because he'd been on autopilot and confused being in a hotel with being on vacation and had completely forgotten he was even having surgery.

We always think of that Seinfeld episode of Kramer telling Jerry he shouldn't brush his teeth 24 hours before seeing the dentist and Jerry tells him, no I think you're thinking of eating 24 hours before surgery.

Kramer shoots back with "Oh no, you got to eat before surgery... you need your strength."

Me: "so what's going on tonight?"

Patient: "I'd tell you but nobody ever believes me."

Me: "no ma'am I'm here to help. I've heard a lot in my career. Now what's wrong?"

Patient (looking me in the eye): "the Aliens come into my house every night and impregnate me."

GP here. I had this guy come in and with all seriousness in the world ask if I could change his age because he felt uncomfortable being 40...

85 YOF c/c of seizures told me in the ED “Why don’t you slide in this bed and cuddle with me, I need me a fine gentleman like you to keep those pesky nurses away”.

Drunk lady got injured while being kicked out of a bar, while screaming at PD and FD looks at my long hair that is down and instantly stops and begins crying and saying "[Freaking]Tarzan over here is the one taking me, goddangit".