We All Fail Sometimes, and Here's How to Deal With It Like a Pro
Psychotherapist Amy Morin, LCSW, who is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind and the author of the bestselling book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, believes that failure is something we all endure and it's important to know that there are things we can do to feel better about it.
First off, embrace your emotions. Morin highlighted that failure is often accompanied by a variety of emotions, including embarrassment, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame, just to name a few. Those feelings are uncomfortable, and many people will do anything they can to escape the discomfort they cause but according to research, allowing yourself to feel bad is actually motivating. It can help you work harder to find better solutions so that you'll improve next time, even if we’re talking about the dumbest things ever said on the internet—they can also make you feel very underwhelmed.
Minimizing the Discomfort Won’t Make It Go Away Completely
Next up, we should make an effort to recognize our unhealthy attempts to reduce pain. "You might be tempted to say, 'I didn't actually want that job anyway,' but minimizing your pain won't make it go away," Morin said.
"Distracting yourself or filling the void you feel with food, drugs, or alcohol won't heal your pain either. Those things will only provide you with some temporary relief."
Building Healthy Coping Skills is Vital
After that, we can start focusing on healthy coping skills instead. "Calling a friend, practicing deep breathing, taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, or playing with your pet are just a few examples of healthy ways to deal with your pain," the psychotherapist explained. We’d also add that looking up something fun, like the shortcomings of the dumb people on the internet, might also cheer you up.
"Not every coping skill works for everyone, however, so it's important to find what does for you."
A 2016 review published in Clinical Psychology Review that looked at 46 studies examining reactions to failure found that a "more positive attributional style" was a strong factor in how resilient people were to the emotional distress caused by failure.
In other words, they saw failure as a result of something specific and external rather than something internal.
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"When you find yourself thinking that you're a hopeless cause or that there’s no use in trying again, reframe your thoughts," Morin suggested.
"Remind yourself of more realistic thoughts about failure such as: a) failure is a sign that I'm challenging myself to do something difficult; b) I can handle failure; c) I can learn from my failures."
