As a sensible adult, you would want to take the high road whenever someone slights you in any way. Deriding comments are not worthy of anyone’s time.
But occasionally, delivering the perfect comeback is necessary to either stand your ground or let the other person know that they are out of line. Of course, not everyone can think quickly off the cuff, so here are some of the funniest and sickest burns, courtesy of the people on the internet.
Feel free to save this article for future reference as you read. Don’t forget to upvote your favorites!
#1 Give Me Good Comebacks To My Horribly Misogynistic Brother In Law
We’re in a gaming chat, my BIL, husband, some friends. He HATES women (yet is married with 3 daughters), and it’s so easy to rage bait him because of how sensitive he is. In our gaming chat he has stated how he returned the new battlefield because it makes you play as a “female” in one class. A friend sent something about the game Until Dawn (horror story game) and said “It has females, lame. Not playing it.” And on the last instance a friend send another game we should all get and he said “as long as there’s no females I won’t have to uninstall it.”
This man is offended by anything that doesn’t follow his masculine, straight white male personality. Husband says I can hit him back with whatever might grind his gears and make him need to double down on his manliness, so, give me your best comebacks to hit him with.
Dry-Discount-9426:
I don't know, going out of your way to make sure you have no woman in your life doesn't sound very straight male to me.
Major_Bahoobage:
If you prefer men, just say so bro, we'll welcome you out of the closet when you're ready
This man is offended by anything that doesn’t follow his masculine, straight white male personality. Husband says I can hit him back with whatever might grind his gears and make him need to double down on his manliness, so, give me your best comebacks to hit him with.
Dry-Discount-9426:
I don't know, going out of your way to make sure you have no woman in your life doesn't sound very straight male to me.
Major_Bahoobage:
If you prefer men, just say so bro, we'll welcome you out of the closet when you're ready
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22points
#2 Need A Response As To Why I Don't Have Any Tattoos
I am the only one in my department without any tattoos and customers (that I don't want to lose) ask me why. I admit that I do stand out because of it. What would be a funny comeback to that question that wouldn't offend customers and maybe make them laugh?
Note: I have nothing against tattoos, I just have never wanted any.
MAValphaWasTaken:
What, and make it easier for police to identify me?
IllPen8707:
"I do, but you'll never see them"
Lazer723:
"I stopped drawing on myself when I was 5"
Note: I have nothing against tattoos, I just have never wanted any.
MAValphaWasTaken:
What, and make it easier for police to identify me?
IllPen8707:
"I do, but you'll never see them"
Lazer723:
"I stopped drawing on myself when I was 5"
Report
20points
#3 Comeback To "You Look Like You're 12"?
My relatives often tell me I look like I'm 12. I don't really know how to respond to that besides not saying anything.
underwater-sunlight:
Stop checking out a 12y
EpiZirco:
Twelve out of ten ain’t bad.
anonymous:
Thanks, I bathe in the blood of my victims.
underwater-sunlight:
Stop checking out a 12y
EpiZirco:
Twelve out of ten ain’t bad.
anonymous:
Thanks, I bathe in the blood of my victims.
Report
18points
For many people, a verbal insult can be so damaging that they either fold or remain silent. According to Brooklyn-based psychologist Kerry McBroome, it is a normal response because our nervous system gets activated.
“The parts of the brain that are responsible for coming up with clever or witty things to say are just not online—they’re nervous and sensing a threat,” she told Time Magazine in a 2024 interview.
#4 Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married/Have Kids?"
I meet a lot of people through my jobs. I do in-home services.
At least once or twice a week, a person may ask me if I'm married and/or have kids and I don't lie so I say no. Mostly, I get "well why not?" Or "you have to soon before it's too late!" It's typically elderly people or religious younger people. These folks don't need my real story of why I'm not married or have kids. I have often said "Those both require a willing person that would marry me and want kids with me which I do not have" but I think that shuts people up in the wrong way (they feel sorry for me). They don't deserve or care about my life story.
What is a good come back to that that won't get me fired or something clever to someone who asks this in a non-work setting? It's not too serious but I want to make people laugh at least instead of feeling sorry.
Edit: I'm a 25-year-old man for context.
xPadawanRyan:
My bloodline ends with me.
qlionp:
An alternate take: The curse ends with me.
brideofgibbs:
Just lucky, I guess was what I always used.
At least once or twice a week, a person may ask me if I'm married and/or have kids and I don't lie so I say no. Mostly, I get "well why not?" Or "you have to soon before it's too late!" It's typically elderly people or religious younger people. These folks don't need my real story of why I'm not married or have kids. I have often said "Those both require a willing person that would marry me and want kids with me which I do not have" but I think that shuts people up in the wrong way (they feel sorry for me). They don't deserve or care about my life story.
What is a good come back to that that won't get me fired or something clever to someone who asks this in a non-work setting? It's not too serious but I want to make people laugh at least instead of feeling sorry.
Edit: I'm a 25-year-old man for context.
xPadawanRyan:
My bloodline ends with me.
qlionp:
An alternate take: The curse ends with me.
brideofgibbs:
Just lucky, I guess was what I always used.
Report
16points
#5 What's A Good Comeback For "You Sound Like A Man?"
I'm a woman with a pretty deep voice and I get this often.
RainbowPiggyPop:
I’d rather sound like a man than sound like an idiot.
flower_catt:
I used to get this a lot when I was younger. My comeback was always "that's a weird way to say you've never talked to a woman before."
RainbowPiggyPop:
I’d rather sound like a man than sound like an idiot.
flower_catt:
I used to get this a lot when I was younger. My comeback was always "that's a weird way to say you've never talked to a woman before."
Report
14points
#6 Comebacks For "Oh, You Have An Android Phone? LOL"
I'm a simple kind of guy and don't care for the fanciest phone, but it seems like iPhone snobs like to remind me they have a "better phone" and I'm really not sure what makes me such a peasant.
anonymous:
"Yeah I'm testing the features you'll get in three years"
TowelFine6933:
Yeah, I didn't feel like paying $1000 for something that's gonna be obsolete in 9 months.
anonymous:
"Yeah I'm testing the features you'll get in three years"
TowelFine6933:
Yeah, I didn't feel like paying $1000 for something that's gonna be obsolete in 9 months.
Report
11points
But insults don’t always come off that way. As developmental clinical psychologist and University of Massachusetts Amherst Professor Emerita, Susan Krauss Whitbourne points out, people can sometimes disguise their digs, which can leave you baffled for a good while.
#7 Best Comeback For "Did You Take Your Meds Today?"
Because folks with mental health conditions are allowed to have bad days, too (hot take) And this question makes me feel like we're not allowed to be human, and attributes the [bad] things that happen to us as "our fault."
mayeam912:
Well, I took somebody’s.
BuffaloChedarBiscuit:
"I am not selling my medication" very loudly. And when you are asked about it say why else would he be asking?
anonymous:
My meds help with OCD (or whatever you have), not with dealing with idiots (then look them up and down)
mayeam912:
Well, I took somebody’s.
BuffaloChedarBiscuit:
"I am not selling my medication" very loudly. And when you are asked about it say why else would he be asking?
anonymous:
My meds help with OCD (or whatever you have), not with dealing with idiots (then look them up and down)
Report
11points
#8
Here’s a comeback for "there’s no I in team.”
Geno_Warlord:
There’s also a M and an E doing half the work you lazy [jerks].
Geno_Warlord:
There’s also a M and an E doing half the work you lazy [jerks].
Report
10points
#9 What Is A Good Comeback When Someone Thinks You're Faking A Disability?
My friend has an invisible disability, some days are "good" and some days are so painful they need to use a cane or wheelchair to walk. People think the friend is being lazy or faking it because they are in their 20s, even though they have had 5 doctors confirm. What is a good comeback when people make comments that the friend is faking it?
MrPuzzleMan:
Unfortunately, my disability doesn't care if you believe it's real or not for it to hurt. I'm still useful despite that, unlike you and this conversation.
No-Gene-4508:
As someone who has ADHD, Autism, and constant pain from my scoliosis. "Well you can't see stupid. But we all know you have it."
wuzziever:
I (57m) had a man (mid 30's) say, "You don't LOOK disabled!" when I was standing next to my car in a handicap parking space. I replied,
"Hey! Thanks, but I'm in a relationship".
Don't know if that will help your friend, but the guy's wife/girlfriend thought it was hilarious
MrPuzzleMan:
Unfortunately, my disability doesn't care if you believe it's real or not for it to hurt. I'm still useful despite that, unlike you and this conversation.
No-Gene-4508:
As someone who has ADHD, Autism, and constant pain from my scoliosis. "Well you can't see stupid. But we all know you have it."
wuzziever:
I (57m) had a man (mid 30's) say, "You don't LOOK disabled!" when I was standing next to my car in a handicap parking space. I replied,
"Hey! Thanks, but I'm in a relationship".
Don't know if that will help your friend, but the guy's wife/girlfriend thought it was hilarious
Report
10points
"The insult wrapped within a compliment, for example, places you in the position of wondering whether to respond to the implicit derogation or the explicit expression of praise,” Whitebourne wrote.
In such instances, Whitebourne advises asking for an explanation to let the person know that you’ve noticed an implicit insult and do not appreciate it.
#10 Comebacks For "You Don't Drink?!"
BogusIsMyName:
Oh no im not waking up next to your mom again.
FormerlyImportant:
No, not since… “the incident”.
NatoliiSB:
"No, I can't afford the bail money."
Oh no im not waking up next to your mom again.
FormerlyImportant:
No, not since… “the incident”.
NatoliiSB:
"No, I can't afford the bail money."
Report
10points
#11 I'm A Guy With Long Hair And People Joke About 'Looking Like A Girl'
What is the best comeback for 'you look like a girl'?
Silent_Cash_E:
Please stop hitting on me
anonymous:
To a guy: I still won't date you.
To a woman: and I'm hotter than you.
Silent_Cash_E:
Please stop hitting on me
anonymous:
To a guy: I still won't date you.
To a woman: and I'm hotter than you.
Report
9points
#12 Best Comeback For "You're Not A Mother"
I was infertile. I was on fertility meds and went through the whole process for years. It just didn't happen and it took a lot for me to get over it and move past it.
My mother loves to throw it up in my face. I mean she loves it. That is how she ends conversations and arguments. She loves to throw out "Well you're not a mother, so you don't know!" Or "Well you're not a grandmother, so you don't know!"
It infuriates me. To the point of it makes me feel violent. What is a comeback that will totally shut her down. At this point I don't even care about the consequences of said comeback. I just want to shut her the hell up and make her nevet say it again.
What ya got?
Double-Kicks:
"Well, you've never been a mother to me, so what the hell do you know?!" You ain't gonna swear if you don't want to.
clarkyk85:
at least I'm not a terrible mother
My mother loves to throw it up in my face. I mean she loves it. That is how she ends conversations and arguments. She loves to throw out "Well you're not a mother, so you don't know!" Or "Well you're not a grandmother, so you don't know!"
It infuriates me. To the point of it makes me feel violent. What is a comeback that will totally shut her down. At this point I don't even care about the consequences of said comeback. I just want to shut her the hell up and make her nevet say it again.
What ya got?
Double-Kicks:
"Well, you've never been a mother to me, so what the hell do you know?!" You ain't gonna swear if you don't want to.
clarkyk85:
at least I'm not a terrible mother
Report
8points
So, what is the best way to deliver an off-the-cuff clapback? Licensed clinical professional counselor Dr. Ajita Robinson shared a few straightforward tips. One of them is to simply tell the person that you’re not accepting unsolicited feedback.
As she noted, these work well in situations like family dinners, where a relative may make comments about your pants size, reproductive choices, or dating situation.
#13 What's A Good Comeback For "Why Are You Always So Quiet?"
I'm autistic and often go non verbal, and I'm tired of explaining it every time to the same group of people.
New-Economist4301:
If it’s meant as an insult “why aren’t you more interesting” 😂 I used it once and LORD you’d think I’d set off an explosive 🤣 they never pointed it out again
metal_bastard:
"Because you never shut up"
How about "I'm a better listener. And I don't feel the need to speak if I have nothing to say"
anonymous:
You talk enough for the both of us.
New-Economist4301:
If it’s meant as an insult “why aren’t you more interesting” 😂 I used it once and LORD you’d think I’d set off an explosive 🤣 they never pointed it out again
metal_bastard:
"Because you never shut up"
How about "I'm a better listener. And I don't feel the need to speak if I have nothing to say"
anonymous:
You talk enough for the both of us.
Report
8points
#14 Comeback For "Why Are You Wearing Pink?" As A Guy?
JustSomeDudeFrom92:
Because I can
SupportPrimary540:
Because I’m a secure man
WhataKrok:
I didn't realize there was a uniform.
Because I can
SupportPrimary540:
Because I’m a secure man
WhataKrok:
I didn't realize there was a uniform.
Report
8points
#15 What's A Good Comeback To: Why Don't You Have A Girlfriend Yet?
I get asked this more often then you'd think and it's really starting to annoy me, what is a good comeback?
010061:
It wouldn't really be fair to my wife
tardiscoder:
Your mom and I are doing just fine.
Jumpy-Style6348:
They're too expensive
010061:
It wouldn't really be fair to my wife
tardiscoder:
Your mom and I are doing just fine.
Jumpy-Style6348:
They're too expensive
Report
8points
Another way to respond would be a simple “Are you okay?” As licensed therapist Melanie Williams states, there is so much packed in such a short comeback. You can also follow that up with, “Just checking, because that was completely inappropriate.”
#16 Was This A Good Comeback To A Girl Asking If I Was Gay?
I was at a fast food place with a bunch of friends after we went to a college football game, and one of my friends saw a girl there from the gym he goes to that he wanted to ask out. One of the girls at our table (who I used to have a crush on but ended up leaving it be to her being very toxic) asked all of us, "Don't you think she's attractive?" I responded no because she just wasn't my type and she responded, "What are you, gay or something?" Without missing a beat, I went, "Well she's at least prettier than you". It shut her up real quick but made everyone at the table kind of uneasy. Did I cook or was this a bad comeback?
Emera1dthumb:
If it gets you to stop talking to me.
BentGadget:
"Are you gay, or something?"
"For you, I will be."
Emera1dthumb:
If it gets you to stop talking to me.
BentGadget:
"Are you gay, or something?"
"For you, I will be."
Report
7points
#17 What’s A Good Comeback For “Why Are You So Quiet?”
BrilliantRain5670:
Makes you wonder doesn't it?
jcoddinc:
They refuse to pay me by the word.
Makes you wonder doesn't it?
jcoddinc:
They refuse to pay me by the word.
Report
7points
#18 What Do You Bring To The Table?
I find this question so offensive. Like if you don’t know I’ll see myself out lol. But give me some good comebacks pls.
ETA: To answer a couple questions I see asked repeatedly, 1. This is in the context of dating 2. I’m a woman and I date men so that’s my perspective, but I don’t co-sign women asking men this question either. 3. To everyone commenting “why not just say what you bring to the table? I guess you don’t have anything to bring to the table then” this is my response to that copy and pasted: If I turned it around on the other person and said “what do you bring to the table?” there’s nothing they could say that I can’t already provide for myself. I have money, a house, family, friends, I enjoy travel by myself, and if I want intimacy I can have a fwb easily. To me a relationship is not about what we provide for each other, it’s about whether our personalities make me want to spend time together and whether there’s romantic chemistry, which I’m not going to know from a speech, I’m going to find out over time by getting to know someone.
To me this question when asked is trying to circumvent the work of getting to know another human being, which is gross and reductive.
Thank you everyone who gave a snappy witty comeback as that’s what I was hoping for! I enjoyed reading them all
Ok-Shopping9879:
Why do you care, you aren’t even sitting at it.
Send_me_duck-pics:
The impressive ability to tolerate you.
ETA: To answer a couple questions I see asked repeatedly, 1. This is in the context of dating 2. I’m a woman and I date men so that’s my perspective, but I don’t co-sign women asking men this question either. 3. To everyone commenting “why not just say what you bring to the table? I guess you don’t have anything to bring to the table then” this is my response to that copy and pasted: If I turned it around on the other person and said “what do you bring to the table?” there’s nothing they could say that I can’t already provide for myself. I have money, a house, family, friends, I enjoy travel by myself, and if I want intimacy I can have a fwb easily. To me a relationship is not about what we provide for each other, it’s about whether our personalities make me want to spend time together and whether there’s romantic chemistry, which I’m not going to know from a speech, I’m going to find out over time by getting to know someone.
To me this question when asked is trying to circumvent the work of getting to know another human being, which is gross and reductive.
Thank you everyone who gave a snappy witty comeback as that’s what I was hoping for! I enjoyed reading them all
Ok-Shopping9879:
Why do you care, you aren’t even sitting at it.
Send_me_duck-pics:
The impressive ability to tolerate you.
Report
7points
#19 A Good Comeback To " Why Do You Still Wear A Mask?"
Mine is "It hides that I'm ugly ". Some people laugh, and walk away, others just get a weird look on their face, and walk away.
But in all honesty, my wife is immunocompromised. And I wear it to protect her. And if I answer with that, most people go on the defense "Well, I'm not sick", or "That won't help ". I have even been told "Ok Brandon."
Garrisp1984:
In your best Bane voice "nobody cared who I was before I put on the mask."
anonymous:
Sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office. Wearing a mask. Older couple to my right are. Another older couple across the room are not and being snotty so I got to use my absolute favorite line! Them: why are you wearing a mask? Me: it helps me mind my business. I have an extra, want it?
But in all honesty, my wife is immunocompromised. And I wear it to protect her. And if I answer with that, most people go on the defense "Well, I'm not sick", or "That won't help ". I have even been told "Ok Brandon."
Garrisp1984:
In your best Bane voice "nobody cared who I was before I put on the mask."
anonymous:
Sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office. Wearing a mask. Older couple to my right are. Another older couple across the room are not and being snotty so I got to use my absolute favorite line! Them: why are you wearing a mask? Me: it helps me mind my business. I have an extra, want it?
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6points
#20 Best Comeback To You Have Too Many Kids
This happened to me when my youngest was a baby. She asked if they were all mine. I said yes. She said wow. You have too many children.
I asked the woman which one I should drown. She said I was rude.
JDSlim:
My father always told me "If you love doing something, and you're good at it, don't ever stop!"
Expatriated_American:
Your mom had too many kids!
mountrich:
They just keep appearing, I don't know why!
I asked the woman which one I should drown. She said I was rude.
JDSlim:
My father always told me "If you love doing something, and you're good at it, don't ever stop!"
Expatriated_American:
Your mom had too many kids!
mountrich:
They just keep appearing, I don't know why!
Report
5points