Mental health experts say that one of the pillars of strong relationships is honest communication. "Say what you mean" is the motto of healthy communication, yet we often hide behind walls of humor and sarcasm when talking to other people. With sarcasm, we say the opposite of what we mean, but why do we like it so much?
We may find sarcasm so attractive because we associate it with intelligence. Researchers already have found that we find intelligence attractive in a potential partner. Employing sarcasm in a way that doesn't veer off into bullying territory requires finesse and mental agility, making it more appealing.
Some research suggests that sarcasm requires and encourages creativity. Essentially, we view the expresser of a sarcastic comment as creative. At the same time, the recipient also needs some creativity in abstract thinking to understand it, thus implying that we might think of sarcasm as the highest form of intelligence.
People also think of sarcastic people as confident. Self-deprecating humor is often fueled by sarcasm about oneself, and people tend to think that those who can make fun of themselves even in the face of adversity are incredibly resilient. This may be true, as, during the pandemic, many people turned to humor and sarcasm in order to cope.
If there are so many good things about sarcasm, why do mental health experts often advise against using it? Probably because sarcasm is a troublesome beast to tame. When used incorrectly, sarcasm can often wound others and even end relationships. Sarcasm can easily veer into passive-aggressiveness, and that only brings trouble to relationships.
Anthony Smith, LMHC, writes for Psychology Today that sarcastic people can be emotionally stunted. Instead of expressing how they really feel, sarcastic folks hide behind sarcasm because they might be afraid of confrontation. "Oftentimes sarcastic, passive-aggressive souls don't want people getting close due to an inability to handle emotional intimacy," Smith writes.
Ironically, this often works: sarcastic comments usually push people away. As clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, writes, no one feels emotionally safe next to a sarcastic person. "In that safety is a critical element for emotional intimacy, sarcasm and other verbally damaging behaviors make true intimacy impossible."
People like to poke fun at others under the guise of sarcasm. However, that can often backfire when the recipient 'misunderstands' the sarcastic phrase. The classic defense is "I'm just joking, relax" or "Don't be so sensitive, I'm just kidding". In reality, when a sarcastic joke or comment doesn't land, it's not the recipient being too sensitive. It's the speaker not being sensitive enough.
