Psychologist Dave Smallen studied emotional patterns of the ways we relate to one another, and he found that:
Happy Connections (62%): Most people felt happy and appreciated during these moments, with few negative emotions like sadness or anxiety. Think of the joy you feel catching up with a friend over coffee.
Vulnerable Connections (17%): Some people felt vulnerable emotions like sadness, anxiety, or anger, balanced with relief, happiness, and compassion. This might be like those times when sharing something personal makes you feel a bit lighter afterward.
Supportive Connections (21%): This group mostly felt compassion and sadness, especially when supporting someone else. Picture comforting a friend through a rough day—not exactly joyful, but deeply meaningful.
"From this example, we can see that people generally have complex emotional experiences when they connect, often experiencing more than one identifiable emotion, sometimes both positive and negative emotions at once," Smallen said.
"Our gratitude, or appreciation, is a useful signal that we’ve had a meaningful interaction. Even if all we did was wave with a passerby on the street, we feel appreciation that our mind just encountered another mind in a satisfying way. Indeed, people in all three groups ... were fairly likely to have said they felt appreciative regardless of the kind of interaction they had."
Smallen believes the key to connecting meaningfully in everyday life isn’t having an interaction that feels happy or even comfortable at that moment, nor is it required that we face vulnerable emotions alongside everyone we want to feel connected with. "Meaningful connections happen when we meet one another where we both are ... emotionally in that moment, within the particular context we are in," he explained.
So what matters is responding adequately to the needs of the moment—is it a time to laugh? Or is it a time to put your hand over your friend's shoulder? Is it time to have a heart-to-heart with our family members? Or is it time to join forces with them in our righteous anger? Every now and then, things can get a bit messy before we find our flow with other people, and that's OK.
"Regardless of the kind of situation we are in, if we enter an interaction with openness and curiosity, and try to show one another that we understand, validate, and care about the feelings that we each express, we are on the right track to meaningful human connection," Smallen said.
