According to Pew Research Center, 88% of parents find raising children more difficult than they expected. To learn more about the reasons behind this and address common misconceptions, Bored Panda spoke with Dr Kirsty Pakes, a registered clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, and parenting consultant with over 20 years of experience.
“Parenting is so hard, under-supported, and undervalued,” Pakes says. As a mom of two school-aged children, she understands the struggle firsthand. Pakes believes that when parents are stressed and unsure of how to react to their children, we should take a compassionate approach rather than label them as bad parents.
Parents often struggle to know how to respond to their children’s difficult emotions and behavior in a way that is going to get to the root of the problem, be effective, and actually build closeness rather than distance between the parent and child. “I think our society misunderstands emotions and how we build emotional well-being, resilience, and regulation in children,” says Pakes. “We often think we need to stop a child’s emotions, but the latest psychological and neuroscience evidence shows that emotional regulation actually requires children to feel their emotions with the support of a kind, empathic listening adult.”
In order for a child to develop true emotional regulation, they need to feel their emotions with the support of a kind, empathic listening adult until they reach the end of them and come out the other side with renewed resilience. “This process is known as ‘co-regulation’,” Pakes explains. “Parents need to be their child’s lighthouse in the emotional storm, beaming empathy and kind, attuned presence.”
While all emotions are welcome, not all behaviors are. Difficult behavior is a sign of some suffering within the child, either difficult emotions are coming out through their behavior or the child is lacking an inner sense of connection. “We need to support their emotions and bring connection and warmth to them so they can get back on track,” Pakes advises. “Limits are set with kindness and empathy for the underlying feelings. This approach gets to the bottom of the problem and means it is less likely to reoccur.”
Pakes uses the metaphor of ‘emotional backpacks’ to explain how children carry unprocessed feelings. “When feelings aren't acknowledged or worked through, they don’t just go away. They get stored in our emotional system or emotional backpack ready to be triggered at another time. This is why sometimes children can get upset about very little things.”
Parenting is incredibly demanding, and parents often try to raise their children differently from how they were raised. “We need a supportive community of like-minded parents around us and emotional support for ourselves,” Pakes emphasizes. “It’s difficult to parent with calm and kindness when we are stressed and have no one to listen to our emotions. Listening partnerships for parents can provide this emotional support.”
Pakes advises seeking professional help when a child shows persistent emotional and behavioral challenges that affect their quality of life. “I’'s also important for parents to seek help if they struggle to connect with their child or react in a way that is over-the-top,” she adds. “All parents would benefit from support and knowing the latest research on how to best support their child’s emotional well-being.”
