Raising children has never been considered an easy feat, but recent studies show that most parents believe it’s harder now than it was 20 years ago. Mothers, in particular, feel this way more than fathers, as they often shoulder most of the childcare responsibilities, even while working.
Many moms with kids under 18 also say they need more opportunities for self-care (69%) and more help with parenting from family and friends (54%). In comparison, fewer fathers feel the same, with 57% and 39% respectively.
Given these circumstances, it’s not surprising that half of women report feeling burned out by motherhood. About the same number are seeking therapy to cope with the mental health challenges they face while caring for their families.
“I think for a lot of moms, there’s a lot of mom guilt. It’s almost like you can’t win. If you work, you’re a bad mom. If you don’t work, you’re a bad mom,” says Dr. Erika Kelley, a clinical psychologist at University Hospitals. She believes mothers need stronger support systems to help them lighten their burdens.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Gayane Aramyan points out that mothers perform a lot of daily labor that often goes unnoticed. This is known as the “mental load” and refers to all the emotional and mental tasks that women perform: planning, creating systems, anticipating needs, and maintaining relationships both inside and outside the family.
This includes things like organising meals, keeping track of household supplies, scheduling medical appointments, and managing the entire family’s emotions. Even though dads are more involved than ever, moms are still the ones doing most of this work.
“Each mom’s experience with women’s mental load is different. Working moms may struggle differently than stay-at-home moms, and moms of younger children have challenges that are separate from those of moms with older children,” writes Aramyan.
But whatever your situation, if you take on more than you can handle, it can lead to mental health issues like anxiety or depression, as well as physical problems like muscle tension and poor sleep. There’s also a chance of developing feelings of resentment toward your partner.
“Unfortunately, there is no straightforward way to reduce your mental load—that would be nice, right?” says Aramyan. “However, there are plenty of strategies you can try to get started”. She advises beginning with communication with your partner to divide tasks. “You deserve support from them, and they deserve to know how much planning, effort, and time you put into your shared lives and family”.
It’s important not to take on the full responsibility of deciding how to share your household tasks—it only adds more to your plate. You should work on this together. Aramyan suggests approaching it playfully so it doesn’t feel like a chore. There are many tools you could use to figure it out, like games such as the Fair Play Deck. “[It’s] a card deck that includes all the main tasks that couples and families typically have. At the very least, this can give you both a starting point.”
Once you do that, you should find a way to organize all your tasks effectively. “It’s one thing to say who will do what, but it’s another thing entirely to have a system,” says the therapist. Keeping track of everything that’s going on creates a sense of accountability for both partners.
This may seem obvious, but if your children are old enough, don’t shy away from involving them in household chores. They might even feel empowered to help you. “Having responsibilities around the house can help them build confidence and independence.”