There’s always something we’re supposed to be doing. But we have only so much energy and attention to spare before our brain starts demanding a break.
Every now and then, we just have to switch off to preserve our sanity.
So we at Bored Panda decided to put together a list that might come in handy should you find yourself in need of a quick distraction.
We went through the subreddits r/jokes and r/3amjokes and compiled some of the funniest posts about everything and nothing in particular at the same time. Hope it makes your day feel a little less crazy!
#1
Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."
Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10
He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."
Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:
'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."
He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."
Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10
He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."
Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:
'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."
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134points
#2
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
Thank god I live in Canada
Thank god I live in Canada
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95points
#3
Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.
I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you messed it up.
I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you messed it up.
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81points
#4
4 beer company CEOs walked into a bar…
The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.
The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.
The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
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79points
#5
My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker.
65points
#6
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
So I took down his confederate flag.
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62points
#7
A time traveller goes back to ancient Rome and immediately starts looking for local clothing.
He finds a tailor's shop and says "Hey, could I have a toga please?"
"Sure, what size?" says the shopkeeper.
"I don't know. Let's try an L."
The shopkeeper hands him a toga, the time traveller tries it on, then he says "It's a bit tight. Could I try an XL, please?"
And the shopkeeper says "What's the point of asking for a smaller one?"
He finds a tailor's shop and says "Hey, could I have a toga please?"
"Sure, what size?" says the shopkeeper.
"I don't know. Let's try an L."
The shopkeeper hands him a toga, the time traveller tries it on, then he says "It's a bit tight. Could I try an XL, please?"
And the shopkeeper says "What's the point of asking for a smaller one?"
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57points
#8
Old courtroom transcript reads like a joke. This actually happened...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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54points
#9
An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’
The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’
The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’
The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’
The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’
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53points
#11
[The president] tests positive for COVID-19.
He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
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49points
#12
My wife gave me an envelope with, “Not to be opened until 2027” on it.
Inside was list of reasons why I cannot be trusted to follow simple instructions.
Inside was list of reasons why I cannot be trusted to follow simple instructions.
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49points
#13
Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?
Midlife crisis
Midlife crisis
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49points
#14
COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously.
A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
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48points
#15
Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat
Attendant says, "wth - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."
"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."
Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."
"That's a great idea!" says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.
"What are you doing - I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.
"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"
Attendant says, "wth - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."
"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."
Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."
"That's a great idea!" says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.
"What are you doing - I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.
"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"
46points
#16
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
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45points
#17
Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
Thereisnospacebar.
Thereisnospacebar.
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44points
#18
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order.
And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.
And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.
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41points
#19
A Scotsman and his wife are walking past an expensive new restaurant.
"Mmm.., do you smell that food?" she asks, "it smells absolutely delicious.."
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thinks, 'Oh what the hell.., I will treat her'.
He takes her arm and they walk past it again.
"Mmm.., do you smell that food?" she asks, "it smells absolutely delicious.."
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thinks, 'Oh what the hell.., I will treat her'.
He takes her arm and they walk past it again.
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41points
#20
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."
Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
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41points