Navigating through adulthood is the job of a lifetime. I have been an adult for more than a decade, and I am still learning to be one. I suspect I am not the only one. So I spoke with Francis Merson, the clinical psychologist awarded the Australian Psychology Society Prize in 2015, who was happy to share some very interesting and useful insights about it.
“People can often get stuck in patterns of behavior during childhood which persist into adulthood and prevent them developing true autonomy,” Francis said and added that there are many ways in which this can happen. “People who have been traumatized can internalize a victim identity, which makes it scary for them to act independently as adults. People who are emotionally neglected can also revert to child-like modes, where they rely excessively on partners and friends to help them deal with the world and their own emotions.”
It can also happen to people who are overindulged since they “might grow up with the expectation that others should sort out their lives for them,” Francis added.
Even though it might be easy to judge people who just can’t seem to adult properly, Francis argues that it’s important to be compassionate and remember that these people didn’t choose the early experiences that underpin their difficulties today.
More importantly, Francis argues that there’s no such thing as the perfect adult—“someone who is unfailingly responsible, rational and emotionally balanced. We all have moments when we act like kids: we get mad over trivial stuff; we panic needlessly; we sulk when we’re criticized.” Having said that, the clinical psychologist warned that “if these behaviors are the rule, rather than the exception, then it’s possible there are some roadblocks on the way to adulthood.”
“And, of course, no one turns 18 and suddenly finds themselves fully rational, responsible and ready to smash all their life goals. The knowledge and skills involved in adulthood are accrued across the lifespan, gradually allowing you to become a more effective actor in the world, able to pursue your own interests while balancing them against the interests of others,” Francis said and added that essentially, we are all works in progress: becoming an adult is a lifelong pursuit. Meanwhile, “Immaturity happens when people are not progressing, when they are stuck in behaviors that aren’t helpful for them at their stage of life.”
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There are many aspects of the transition into adulthood. Francis elaborated: “it means learning to act rationally, rather than just react emotionally. Adults also seek relationships of equality and reciprocity, rather than just someone to look after them. Adults are in touch with their values, and are proactive in reaching their goals. And adults are realistic, particularly about who they are. This requires gaining insight into one’s own motivations, behavior, emotional triggers, strengths and weaknesses.”
Francis also noted that “it’s important to emphasize that the idea of independence in adulthood does not mean you don’t rely on others.” He explained that we are social animals, and we need each other to survive and flourish. “The independence of adulthood is more like the independence of a nation, which interacts with other nations on an equal footing, makes independent decisions and is responsible for its internal affairs.”
For those who think that adulthood is a lot of work, Francis says that it’s worth it. “What you get in return is the power to flourish on your own terms. By acting as a child in an adult world, it’s much harder to build a life you can be proud of,” the clinical psychologist concluded.
