Everyday Situations And Life Jokes
1.) I saw my neighbor talking to himself in the mirror today. He looked surprised.
Which is fair, given the massive stroke he was having.
Which is fair, given the massive stroke he was having.
2.) A woman walks into a bank to make a "big prize deposit." The clerk says, “I’m so sorry, ma’am, we don’t accept stuffed animals.”
She said, "Good, because it's stuffed with cocaine."
She said, "Good, because it's stuffed with cocaine."
3.) My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
And slept with his wife.
And slept with his wife.
4.) I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Permanent Botox is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Permanent Botox is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
5.) My therapist told me to write down all the things I have in common with my mother. That’s how I got kicked out of the restaurant.
Mostly for a history of public intoxication and bad life choices.
Mostly for a history of public intoxication and bad life choices.
6.) My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes. So I hugged him.
Then I hugged his receptionist. It’s a very touchy-feely restraining order.
Then I hugged his receptionist. It’s a very touchy-feely restraining order.
7.) I just got a job at a mirror factory. I could really see myself working there.
Mostly because I’m an insufferable narcissist.
Mostly because I’m an insufferable narcissist.
8.) I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. That, and I ran over the shift manager in the car park.
But they focused on the day off.
But they focused on the day off.
9.) My dog used to chase people on a bicycle. It got so bad that I had to take his bike away.
It’s dangerous to ride under the influence, even for a golden retriever.
It’s dangerous to ride under the influence, even for a golden retriever.
10.) My grandfather's last words were "I buried a million dollars under..." Then he went silent.
Which was a brilliant way to ensure none of us paid for his funeral.
Which was a brilliant way to ensure none of us paid for his funeral.
Wordplay And Puns
11.) I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me.
Much like a textbook case of alopecia.
Much like a textbook case of alopecia.
12.) I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
It’s basic mathematics for functioning alcoholics.
It’s basic mathematics for functioning alcoholics.
13.) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
And what do you call a comedian with no jokes? An opening act.
And what do you call a comedian with no jokes? An opening act.
14.) I entered ten puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
A joke so bad it actually qualifies as domestic abuse.
A joke so bad it actually qualifies as domestic abuse.
15.) If you rearrange the letters, “I l l”, you get “I’ll.”
Truly cutting-edge material for the illiterate.
Truly cutting-edge material for the illiterate.
16.) What do you call a fake strawberry? An impasta. Wait, that’s for a fake noodle.
For a fake strawberry, you call it "corporate flavor engineering."
For a fake strawberry, you call it "corporate flavor engineering."
17.) How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
It’s exactly how the Catholic Church deals with allegations.
It’s exactly how the Catholic Church deals with allegations.
18.) I'd tell you a chemistry joke. But I wouldn't get a reaction.
Much like my bedroom performance last evening.
Much like my bedroom performance last evening.
19.) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Traumatic brain injury is no laughing matter.
Traumatic brain injury is no laughing matter.
20.) Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Though his career as a hand model is severely compromised.
Though his career as a hand model is severely compromised.
Loving these? Our roundup of guess what jokes is the perfect next scroll.
Animal And Nature Jokes
21.) What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
Or as we call it in Britain: "A teenager on benefits."
Or as we call it in Britain: "A teenager on benefits."
22.) What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor.
And what do you call a French person on a ship? ... Target practice.
And what do you call a French person on a ship? ... Target practice.
23.) My parents named me Rose. Rose is Naming Your Dog.
If you want it to have a severe identity crisis at the park.
If you want it to have a severe identity crisis at the park.
24.) What do you call something green and fuzzy? Grass.
Unless it’s on your inner thigh, in which case, see a doctor.
Unless it’s on your inner thigh, in which case, see a doctor.
25.) I was diagnosed with the heart of a lion. I’m glad; my other heart was wearing thin.
The zoo director, however, was absolutely furious.
The zoo director, however, was absolutely furious.
26.) Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they are lactose intolerant.
A terrible joke. Let's move swiftly on.
A terrible joke. Let's move swiftly on.
27.) My phone fell in the toilet. Now it’s taking liquid calls.
Mostly from people I owe money to, wishing me a swift drowning.
Mostly from people I owe money to, wishing me a swift drowning.
28.) Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Like my biological father and me.
Like my biological father and me.
29.) What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Much like the French army when the Germans arrived.
Much like the French army when the Germans arrived.
30.) What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
If you laugh at that, you’re part of the problem.
If you laugh at that, you’re part of the problem.
Pop Culture And Professions
31.) A legionnaire walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "I can't serve you."
Apparently, weaponized PTSD isn't welcome during Happy Hour.
Apparently, weaponized PTSD isn't welcome during Happy Hour.
32.) Why did the pirate go to AA? Because he had a treasure chest.
No, it's because he was a chronic alcoholic who beat his crew. Let's keep it real.
No, it's because he was a chronic alcoholic who beat his crew. Let's keep it real.
33.) I just broke up with my coffee machine. I found out it was using other grounds.
It’s a classic case of domestic filtering.
It’s a classic case of domestic filtering.
34.) I was going to tell a joke about boxing. But I forgot the punchline.
Just like the actual boxer who now suffers from early-onset dementia.
Just like the actual boxer who now suffers from early-onset dementia.
35.) Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up.
And mental health is a very serious issue.
And mental health is a very serious issue.
Need another hit of humor? Check out our dirty jokes.
36.) I told my suitcase that there would be no vacations this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
It’s heavy, expensive, and difficult to drag through an airport.
It’s heavy, expensive, and difficult to drag through an airport.
37.) I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall. I thought, "Well, that’s a little condescending."
If he runs away, the police will look for a "short escape."
If he runs away, the police will look for a "short escape."
38.) Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
So they left him in the vacuum of the cosmos to suffocate.
So they left him in the vacuum of the cosmos to suffocate.
39.) I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough. So now I loaf around.
Unemployment is a terrible thing.
Unemployment is a terrible thing.
40.) I went on a date with a tennis player. Love means nothing to her.
Which is fine, because neither does financial fidelity.
Which is fine, because neither does financial fidelity.
Bonus Random Jokes!
41.) What’s the longest walk in the world? The one from the fridge to the couch when you forgot your phone.
It’s the ultimate middle-class tragedy.
It’s the ultimate middle-class tragedy.
42.) A drug dealer fell into a cement mixer. He’s Just Saying No.
He's also a permanent part of the local bypass now.
He's also a permanent part of the local bypass now.
43.) I just had my bag stolen. Now I need a new one.
My wife was inside it, so the replacement will be much younger.
My wife was inside it, so the replacement will be much younger.
Not done laughing yet? Dive into our one-liner jokes next.
44.) I fell off a cliff. I don’t know what to do now.
Gravity will figure that out for you in about three seconds.
Gravity will figure that out for you in about three seconds.
45.) I tried to catch some fog yesterday. Mist.
Much like my window of opportunity to be a serious, respected artist.
Much like my window of opportunity to be a serious, respected artist.
46.) Why did the man fall off the ladder? Because he couldn’t see the rungs.
That, and I greased them beforehand.
That, and I greased them beforehand.
47.) What happens when you eat too many spaghetti jokes? You get a pun-stipation.
It’s painful, embarrassing, and requires immediate medical attention.
It’s painful, embarrassing, and requires immediate medical attention.
48.) I asked my dog what's two minus two… He said nothing.
He’s an idiot, but his mathematics are surprisingly solid.
He’s an idiot, but his mathematics are surprisingly solid.
49.) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Right in the optic nerve.
Right in the optic nerve.
50.) Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
We already did this joke. Keep up.
We already did this joke. Keep up.
51.) I'd tell you a chemistry joke. But I wouldn't get a reaction.
It’s a bit formulaic.
It’s a bit formulaic.
52.) Think you can top these jokes? Drop your best pun in the comments!
And try to make it actually funny this time.
And try to make it actually funny this time.
💬 Which joke made you laugh the most? Let us know!
P.S Keep the giggles going with these dad jokes puns.