I Laughed So Hard: 40 Funny Things Folks Have Heard In Public

An elderly couple in the supermarket. He's walking funny and she turns to him and says “You've still got [that going on]! I told you it wouldn't wear off by now”.

I was riding my bike and passed by a guy going the opposite way on a unicycle. As we pass he said, “F****n’ two wheeler!”.

Grocery store: “I know how to buy eggs Diane, I’ve done it before…” I could not stop saying this for the rest of the day. I was a real joy to be around.

My sister went to see Titanic. After the credits rolled someone behind her stretched then said: > I told you it sank .

I know this won’t reach many but I was at a pizza place and there was this family of four (mom, dad, grandpa, kid that’s maybe 5-6 years old) and all I hear from the kid is, “YOU’RE ALMOST 50?! THAT’S HALFWAY TO BEING DEAD!!”.

Wife and I are grocery shopping and in the row next to us we hear a child getting agitated and having words with his brother. Out of the blue we hear him say to his mother “Mom! Jake is breathing my air”. Wife and I look at each other and giggle. We rush to their row and we find Jake is a small 2 month old in a carrier.

A mom and her son were checking out at a Home Depot. The cashier was scanning the ladies purchases then scanned the kids hand, looked at her scanner and said to the boy, you are free! The kid looked at her and said, no I'm not I am 5.

A friend of a friend was shopping and had her kid with her. As they walked by the feminine products aisle her 6 yr old son asked her very loudly if she needed to get another big box of v*gina diapers because Dad says you bleed like a stuck pig. I was crying I was laughing so hard. When she seen me and my friend standing there she went ten shades of red.

I was in church and somehow the subject of [intimacy] was brought up by the pastor. Some lady in front of me said "I pray before, during and after" followed by a hallelujah.

My dad adopted a dog that has a p**p-eating habit, eats every other dog’s droppings. My sister came over with some breath spray for dogs. Dad’s response: “she eats p**p. You can’t just throw a tic-tac on a pile of manure.”

Not really in public because he was a temporary coworker of mine, but in making small talk he mentioned that his son was looking at colleges to go to. So I asked him if his son was a junior or a senior. And he said “No, I named him after my dad” That was years ago and I still have no idea how to respond to that.

A pregnant woman at Walmart talking to a cashier said “yeah I’m gettin a DUI after this one, no more kids.” Of course she meant IUD but the lady didn’t correct her and I died laughing. Maybe it was pregnancy brain.

An instructor for a school club turned to another instructor: “Have you signed that thing that says, ‘I don’t diddle kids’ yet?” I died.

Friend of mine in high school went to pick up her little brother from some sort of after school activity. There was a lady sucking on a cigarette standing near the school doors talking on her cell phone loudly. In the most grizzled smoker voice she said "Hot dogs will give you cancer." *Takes a draw from the cigarette* "One bite and you're a goner."

I was at a Rubio’s many years ago and the woman in front me had brought her food up to the counter to tell them she had ordered chicken tacos but had gotten fish tacos. She and the employee are going back and forth on what’s in the tacos, the employee was adamant it was chicken. The woman is really [angry] at this point and goes “It’s fish. If you don’t believe me, smell my fingers”. My friend and I ended up going outside because we were laughing so hard.

Two of my friends joking around til one of them says "you know, if the Catholic Church knew of your existence they'd immediately endorse abortions" 💀.

“Well ever since she got the dog, she only buys organic eggs.” “Oh does she feed the dog eggs?” “No, but you know, being a pet owner is a big responsibility so she’s trying to watch her health.”

We stopped at a yard sale one weekend. We had a really small bulldog with us, super friendly and they were ok with her being there while we browsed. Their little girl, maybe four years old, asked to pet the bulldog and we said she’d love that. So the little girl leans over to pet the pup… and that causes her to do the plumber’s b**t crack thing. Mom runs over and pulls the pants and pull up diaper back up. The little girl turns to mom and says “I’m not done pooping yet.”  Mom’s face… it was like the visual version of one of those abrupt record scratches. We played it cool with a little chuckle and said “kids, gotta love em.” We got back to the car and just lost it, just crying laughing.

Someone brought an infant to a formal/dress wear restaurant at 9 at night that was constantly crying, heard someone say "that's a kid I'd leave at the airport".

Was at a bar once, and there was a drunk girl trying to put on her heels for a few minutes. She was clearly *gone* gone, and couldn't manage. A man that was there with her said "It's like watching a monkey try to f*** a football." and I couldn't help but catch a case of the giggles. The words themselves didn't do it, but the mental image wrecked me.