People Share Their Favorite Jokes, And They're Hilarious To Read (171 Answers)

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Jesus Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.

The Australian Approach. A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! 'What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4' The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no.. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland and lays down a thousand dollars. He announces to the bar, "Anyone who can drink six pints of Guinness in a row wins the cash." No one responds to the man and says there are no real drinkers in Ireland. One man stands up and leaves the bar and comes back twenty minutes later. He asks the Texan if anyone has completed the challenge and the Texan says no. So he asks the bar tender to set up six pints of Guinness and he downs them one after the other. The Texan pays the man but has to ask, "Where did you go for twenty minutes?" The Irishman replies, "To the pub up the street to see if I could do it, first."

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we wont kill you." So the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals. So the cannibals said, "Go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see." So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "Put the apples up your a*s without making a facial expression." The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him. The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "Put the cherries up your butt without making a facial expression." The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him. In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "Why did you start laughing?" The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."

Two bacteria walk into a bar, the bartender say "We don't serve your kind here." The bacteria respond, "No its okay we're staph."

One atom says to another, "I think someone stole my electron!" Second atom asks, "Are you sure?" First replies, "Yes! I'm positive!"

How many sound engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, two.

"An old lady in front of me at the ATM asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over."

"So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like 'You have GOT to stop masturbating!' And I was like 'Oh no Doc! Why?!?' And he said 'Because I'm trying to examine you!'"

The people of Dubai don't get to watch the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.

There are two goldfish in a tank; one turns to the other and says "You man the guns and I'll drive."

"I just got a call from a charity asking me if I wanted to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to go away. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving."

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a**hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No way??? Who did she play for?"

A fireman runs into a classroom with a screw driver and shouts "Everyone get out, now. This is not a drill"

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.