Brutally Honest And Completely Unfiltered: 40 Hilarious Things Kids Have Said

After the teacher told me my 5 year old said “What the hell?” on the playground.

“Momma, I didn’t say ‘what the hell?’ the bad word, I said ‘what the hell?’ the place.”

This was after I had had to have a conversation with him the morning before about the different contextual uses for the word hell.

He won..

Told my daughter she couldn’t have ice cream for breakfast and her response was, “I’m a queen and I make the rules; not you!” Crossed her arms and huffed. I wanted to laugh so badly but that attitude needed correcting.

Another funny moment that’s more my bad is when I whispered “what the f**k?!” not knowing my kid was right behind me. She then said “You can say that again!” 😂.

My 6 year old daughter had recently gotten into Bugs Bunny. One day I walked into the living room and asked her to pause her show. Now she had a long day as she had been out all morning running errands with me and she’s very small so I understand she was a little frustrated that her mother couldn’t leave her to her cartoons.
So anyway I asked her to pause her show to help me with a chore. She slowly took her time to find the controller and pauses it. Then she slowly turned around and looked straight into my eye balls and said in her best Bugs Bunny voice, “Eeeehhhhh...what’s up B***h?”

It took everything in me not to burst out laughing. I had to turn around and gather myself. It was so unexpected and she knew what she said cause immediately afterwards she apologized.

My three year old tried to punish her dad for not giving her something she wanted. Unfortunately, she lacked the vocabulary to call him anything actually devastating. So she called him a “yuck” with as much fury as she could muster.

I had to chastise her with a straight face for calling her dad a name, but I laughed my a*s off when she was sitting in time out.

My oldest child had trouble with speech, specifically "s". We were in a gas station paying for my fuel and she asked me if she could have a (insert N word white people arent suppose to say here). I was mortified. Because I paused out of panic, she said it again louder than before because she thought I didn't hear her.

Edit: she wanted a Snickers.

Several years ago, my daughter who was maybe 4 at the time was big into YouTube, like the rest of the tiny population. She had and iPad and liked to pretend to have a “show”.

One day as I was reviewing her handiwork I came across a short video with her adorable smiling face.

She says:

“Hey guys! This is the BAD WORD SHOW! This is the show where we say ALL the bad words we know....F****N’ dammit f**k!”

Obviously, she was reprimanded, lost her iPad for a period of time and also lost the privilege of being able to make videos on her iPad.

Little does she know, I also sent that video to myself and have laughed and laughed with my friends and family while showing my adorable blonde baby letting out some fierce verbiage.

Christmas 2017, my 10 year old son got a puppy. He had been dreaming of this dog, reading books and taking full responsibility for our older German Shepherd for the better part of a year before he received his puppy. Being really into Pokémon, he named him Ash.

What we didn’t see coming, but probably should have, was that his three year old brother would mispronounce ‘Ash’ as ‘A*s’. He went around to every adult he saw that Christmas Day and told them about our new puppy, A*s. I worked really hard with him and finally got him to say it correctly by say “Aaaaaa” - putting my finger up to my lips as if to be quiet “shhhhhhhh”.

Still sounds like A*s.

My mum told me that when my brother was little, about 4 i think, he was drawing a picture in playschool. he suddenly scrunched it up and said "well, i f****d that up." the teacher couldn't laugh right then but she said she did after telling him not to say that because it was such perfect context.

My name is Clint and my partner is Rick. His nephew at 2 called us Cl*t and D*ck.

My 4 year old grandson put two child cups up to his chest and said “Look at me, I’ve got n**ples!” I had to walk quickly away.

Ok I'm not a mother, but when my son was 3 he was at nursery. As I was fetching him, he innocently asked the attractive 20 year old nursery worker 'Do you have any toys you play with at home?'

I almost lost it. To her credit she kept a very straight face.

My mom was young when she had my siblings and me, so our children grew up with great grandparents who were just as big a part of their lives as most kids' grandparents are. One morning my three year old niece was dissatisfied with something my sister was doing, so she hotly informed my sister that as soon as they got to Granny's house she was going to tell her mother on her and she would be in trouble!

My sister laughed and explained that Granny was not her mother, grandma is and Granny is Grandma's mother. Then my sister scoffed and said, 'girl, how are you going to tell my mama anything? You don't even know who my mama is!'.

Later that day, while they were doing whatever they were doing at my grandmother's house, the niece repeated a misbehavior that she had gotten into trouble for earlier and had been warned against repeating. My sister scolded her and said she'd be telling her dad about it when he got home that evening. My niece glared at her, scoffed, and said, 'how are you going to tell my daddy anything? You don't even know who my daddy is!'. There was a stampede out of that room because we didn't dare let her see that we were laughing or it would become her new 'thing'.

I went to ask my mom on this fine Mother's day. When my brother was 9, my mom was yelling at him for something. In the most serious voice he could muster he said, "But I'm a man mommy!"

She said she wanted to laugh, but just said "Okay" and walked out. No one in my family has ever let him live that moment down.

When my youngest was 2 she pronounced "microphone" as "mofo". She would ask to get on peoples' laps by saying "up? yours?" If you didn't respond in her preferred timeframe (i.e., immediately), she would crawl up on you (whether you were standing or sitting, she's part monkey) and put a hand on either side of your face to make you look right at her.


So we're at my husband's grandparents' 75th anniversary dinner with his entire extended family and much of his church community (he was a deacon). Husband stands up to make a toast on behalf of the grandchildren. Youngest sees that he is getting to use the microphone to do so. I am trying to deal with child #3's bloody nose, and am unable to stop youngest as she runs to her dad, shouting (because 2 year olds have one volume, "as loud as physically possible") "mofo! Up! Yours!"

Husband attempts to ignore her, so she launches into full monkey mode and shimmies up him to the microphone, and everyone in the church hall gets to hear "MOFO! UP! YOURS!" a good ten times before he can wrestle the mofo away from her.

My son and daughter were about 7 and 9 when Fred was a youtube thing. I got home from work one afternoon and they were so excited to tell me about an episode of Fred they had just watched. In the episode Fred says his mom spends a lot of alone time in the bathroom listening to the radio, but the radio must be broken because it just goes bzzzzzzzz. It was impossible to keep a straight face. I asked if they knew what he was talking about and they looked at me like I was stupid and said "duh! Shes shaving her legs!"
Yes my darlings shes shaving her legs. 😅.

Most of the funniest parts were when we realized our oldest started to understand physiological differences in gender. We used to just pass each other the baby in the shower (whoever was in the shower while baby needed to be washed got washing duty, the one who wasn't in the shower got drying off and dressing duty.)

Well, one day I handed her to her dad, and she was around 2, and a little while later he comes out horrified, saying said he can't shower her anymore. Turns out she looked at him, used what little vocabulary she had at the time, and proclaimed that "daddy has a front butt tail."

Then a little after, she comes to me and says "Daddy has eggs in his pants." (She saw him in his boxer briefs.)

10/10 for creativity.

You really can't laugh at this stuff because it just makes them fixate on it but boy, was it hilarious.

Im the child but oh god I've said some dumb s**t as a kid. The best one my mom tells people is when I was 5 she was telling me about a women's cycle cause I walked in on her in the bathroom during her period. Shes a doctor so she gave me quite a medical breakdown and apparently I took it well until she asked if i had any comments. Apparently fly i threw my arms up in the air and went "WHAT A WASTE OF AN EGG"

I also called fruit loops "foot poops" and at 2-3 said "I want to d**k my d**k peese" whenever I wanted my cup.

Not a mom, but one time I ran inside, crying, sobbing, the whole shebang. I then say, “brother called me a tattle-tail!” She then had to explain that the reason I was a tattle-tail was because I told her about everything, while trying not to laugh at me.

She never will let me live it down, though to be fair, it is hilarious.

My mom won’t let me down the moment that my brother slit my wrist with a weedwacker and I told her “Can I have a bandaid please” while sobbing and bleeding out.

I was babysitting asked if I wanted to marry him. I explained I'm too old for him and he said "that's right, you're 100" I was sixteen at the time.