Brutally Honest And Completely Unfiltered: 40 Hilarious Things Kids Have Said

When my daughter was 3 I took her swimming at the local rec centre and proceeded to be humiliated.
We were changing in one of the alcoves when she take great interest in my adult body.

‘Oh mummy you have a beard!’

Trying to shush her and explain that our bodies are private she gets louder and more pointed.

‘When will I get a v****a beard! I want one!’

I explained she would have to wait until she was much older and she probably wouldn’t be as enthusiastic about it.

Bless her... she decided that this wasn’t fair and threw one of the biggest melt downs of her toddler years. Screaming through the rec centre about how it wasn’t fair that I got to have a v****a beard and she didn’t.

I WANT ONE NOW! I WANT A V****A BEARD NOW!

Edit: thanks everyone for enjoying a good laugh with me, my daughter is now 8 and I think it is now the funniest story. At the time I just wanted the world to swallow me whole...oh how the roles have reversed

Dad mode here.

When my youngest was 3 he had a magnetic alphabet on the fridge he'd play with. He put the letter "A" on like a ring and it got stuck on his finger so he panicked and ran to me. Through tears he told me "I got my finger stuck in my 'A' hole".

When my son was 4, he was really into Paw Patrol. For those of you fortunate enough to have never heard the theme tune, it goes something like..
‘Paw patrol, paw patrol, we’ll be there on the double..
No job too big! No job too small! Paw patrol, were on a roll!..’
Earlier in the day, my son had been asking me about different types of dogs and we had mentioned cockapoo’s. As I was cooking dinner, I heard a little voice singing from the living room..
‘Cockapoo..cockapoo.. no c**k too big! No c**k too small!!’ .. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the theme tune in the same way again.

Here's a story from my mom about my brother:

They were at the grocery store and he was about 3. He liked to talk to people and say hi. As she was checking out, he talks to the cashier:

"Hi, my name is and this is my mommy! She has three holes and I came out of one of them!"

Poor Mom was mortified but the cashier was dying laughing.

Answering for my wife. My daughter was 5 or 6. She was getting her hair cut by our stylist, who happens to be native American. My daughter was asking about some of the symbols and decorations at her station and when my daughter learned about her being native American, she promptly asked "But where are the feathers in your hair?"

Fortunately, we have known this lady for decades and she merely broke up laughing. And explained in her tribe that only the boys wear feathers.

My daughter told her that that was a rip off.

My wife and I were taking several of our little nieces on a day trip and they came to an agreement among themselves that Santa had to be real because their mom was "too cheap to ever spend that much money on a gift".

I'm a 90's kid, I grew up Grunge and still dress like I am auditioning for a Nirvana film clip. I was telling my 10yr old daughter that I was thinking about growing dreadlocks and she said "Well you already look homeless so why not?"

My mother used to work in a 5 star restaurant. The head chef was apparently an insufferably incompetent a*****e who thought he was superior to everyone else in the kitchen including my mother. This guy was so full of himself that he would go around to all of the guests he cooked for and fish for complements on what he made no matter how simple it was.

My mother says the funniest thing I said was when she took me to this restaurant. I ordered macaroni and cheese. This prompted this guy to come out and ask me, at 8 years old, how he likes my macaroni and cheese (because that was the only thing he made that was on my plate). It visibly destroyed him when I said it tasted like plastic and needed more cheese. She says he b**ched about "her kid having the audacity to say that to me" constantly for weeks after that, much to the amusement of the entire kitchen.

Well, you know how kisses make all the boo boos feel better? In public, my then two year old slipped and fell on his bottom and started crying. He then asked me to "kiss my butt!" and I didn't. So from his point of view, mommy has the cure for his pain and is not sharing it, so he started sobbing "Mommy kiss my butt!" over and over again.

My mother loves to tell the story of the time I was about two. My cousin, who was two months older than me, therefore knew EVERYTHING, had recently taught me a new word. We went to mass with the entire extended family and I was excited. After the sermon, during that moment of complete silence, I stood up on the pew and yelled out my new word, "Bull$**t!"
Poor Mom was both mortified and struggling not to laugh.

She wouldn't eat her dinner...macaroni and cheese and chopped up hot dogs. I was getting frustrated, when she suddenly looked me in the eye and said very seriously 'I can't eat dis. I think the hot dogs are making the noodles noivous...' Turns out I'd undercooked the pasta. I had to hide my face to keep her from seeing me laugh.


To this day we call undercooked or al dente pasta 'nervous'.

When I was a kid and saw Romani women in their traditional dresses I told my mum to "look at those princesses".

My 3 year old upon seeing an African American.
"Look Mommy! A basketball player."


*Said to my wife, not me.

As a dad: today my 3 yr old daughter commented on the tv, that the news was 'not appropriate for her age', and I needed to switch to the 'my little pony' channel.

I’m really accident prone, and so is my kid. Like trip over the cord to a cordless phone clumsy. When he was 4, he was running through my SILs kitchen, tripped and face planted. When he hit the floor he yelled out “F**K!” then got up, decided he was ok, and apologized for saying a grown-up word.

He looks so much more like his father than me, but every once in a while, like this occasion, it’s “oh look, there’s the proof he’s mine.”.

My 6 year old announced at a family gathering "daddy's doodle has a beard".

I told my cousins 6 year old that I was so fat because that's where I hid my secrets. She told me I needed less secrets.

I've lost 70 pounds so it's safe to say I now have less secrets.

My 3 year old is currently mispronouncing 'clucking' as 'f*****g'.

'Mommy! Chickens! F**k F**k F**k!'

'Mommy! The chickens are F**kiiiiinnnnnggg!'

We made the mistake of laughing so now he thinks it's something we love to hear.

Like in the middle of the grocery store, 'Mommiiieeee, f**k? You like f**kiiinnng!'.

My Mum often tells me about a time we went out to eat when I was four or five. I was able to use the washroom independently at that point, and the restaurant had single occupancy washrooms that were visible from the table, so she and Dad let me go by myself.

While in the washroom, some lady comes up and starts jiggling the handle, then knocks and jiggles it again. Now, I have never liked being interrupted in the washroom, and by the third jiggle, I was mad. I shouted at the top of my lungs, "Go away! I'm having a p*o!". The whole restaurant started laughing, and the offending lady looked embarrassed and left to wait until it was free, like she should have done after she found it locked.

Mum said it was hard to keep a straight face when I came back cool as a cucumber, like it was obvious one had to shout at p*o-interrupters.

Not said to me but overheard a conversation between two kids around 6 years old.

Kid 1, running up to Kid 2: "What's your name?"

Kid 2, slightly taken back: "I'm not telling you!"

Kid 1, turning around and walking off: "Guess it must be a pretty stupid name."