#1
My little brothers are twins, seven years younger than me. M is the 'sensitive' one, very tempermental and prone to yelling or crying or fighting. P is a stone cold brute who doesn't engage often but ruins lives when he does.
They are nine, at the park across the street, I am sitting on my porch reading and keeping an eye on them. M gets into an altercation with some kid and I start to head over when I hear raised voices. Before I can get there, the kid tells M, very clearly, "your birth certificate was an apology letter from the abortion clinic"
Personally, it took every fiber of will that I possessed to not burst out laughing. This is immediately my favorite insult ever, but it was also aimed at my little brother. M is shocked. He knows what an abortion is, and this kid just rocked his world. He looks like he's about to cry.
Before I can intervene at all, P comes up out of nowhere with a flying punch to this kid's face. Kid gets knocked down and very quickly wants nothing to do with the pissed-off miniature bull standing over him. Kid takes off and I collar the twins to herd them back home.
On the way across the street, I remark that it was kind of P to defend his brother, though punching a kid was a little extreme. P glares at me and replies "I wasn't defending him; that's my birth certificate, too.".
#2
#3
Long before the internet was a thing, our collective obsession with the weird and wonderful things kids say was already a cultural phenomenon. The classic TV show "Kids Say the Darndest Things", originally hosted by Art Linkletter, was built entirely on this premise. It was a prime-time celebration of the unfiltered, unintentional, and often deeply bizarre things that come out of children's mouths.
The show was later taken over by Bill Cosby, and a modern revival put Tiffany Haddish in the hosting seat. But thanks to parents’ lightning-fast recording ability, we now also get more than our fill of toddler insults scattered inbetween our regular doom-filled scrolling sessions.
#4
He told me, "I'm going to wait until there's three cars coming, and push you in the road."
Same family- Same vacation actually, but this was his younger sister- She had drawn a picture of me and titled it "Dumb." In the picture I had this happy little smile.
"If I'm so dumb, why am I happy?" I asked her.
"Because you don't know any better.".
#5
Edit: You’re blowing up my inbox, you buncha pinecones.
#6
It's so simple and pure, I really liked it.
Author Johanna Stein brilliantly compiled a series of the "insults" her four-year-old daughter delivered to her in a single day, and it's a masterpiece of unintentional roasting. The comments are a series of drive-by verbal onslaughts that are as brutal as they are hilarious and their sting is captured by the first-person view camera angle on the poor mother’s face.
Some of the gems include, "Your tummy looks like a bagel," "Did you take a shower? Because it didn't work," and the soul-crushing question she wakes up to, "Are you going to make yourself pretty today?" It's a perfect encapsulation of how a small child's observations can be both incredibly pure but somehow leave some stinging scars in their wake.
#7
One time I started to tell a story to a close friend, "so I walked into the room..." and he interrupted me.
"No, you didn't ."
I laughed for like, three minutes while he just grinned smugly.
#8
#9
So, are these kids actually being mean, or is something else going on? According to experts at Romper, the answer is usually honesty. Young children are famously literal and are still developing a social filter. They are basically tiny, walking truth-tellers who haven't yet learned the art of the "white lie."
So when a kid says, "Your breath smells weird," they're not trying to be malicious, they are simply making a factual, sensory observation. The line between honesty and rudeness is all about intent, and most of these budding comedians have no intention other than to state what they perceive as a fact.
#10
I was 26 at the time and I've never felt so personally attacked.
#11
- Kid B - I know. Mom decided to keep the stupid one.
I laughed out loud. Some cold stuff from a 7 year old.
#12
And the other, without thinking for even a second, replied "And she's still beating YOU!".
Then, something shifts. Vanessa LoBue Ph.D. explains that around the age of four or five, kids start to figure out that words are powerful tools that can get a reaction out of people. This is when the insults become a little more intentional, but their execution is still delightfully clumsy because their understanding of the world is so limited.
This is the birth of the "you're as funny as a turtle" era. It's a clumsy, verbal science experiment: "If I call my brother a 'Do Si Do,' will he cry?" The goal is to be mean, but the result, thanks to their bizarre choice of words, is accidental poetry.
#13
I still consider listening to a special ed roast session to be one of the great privileges of my life.
#14
We had no clue what that meant, but we had to stop and take a moment of silence for that roast.
#15
At the end of the day, these insults are a precious, fleeting form of accidental genius. They are a magical cocktail of a limited vocabulary, a developing brain, and a complete lack of a social filter. They are funnier, weirder, and more creative than any insult an adult could ever come up with.
So let's all take a moment to appreciate these tiny, unintentional roast masters. Cherish this bizarre era, because it's only a matter of time before they learn how to be actually mean, and that's far less entertaining.
What is the most unserious insult you have ever heard from a kid? Let’s all laugh together in the comments!
#17
#18
Older son: "I don't get it, turtles aren't funny?"
Younger son: "Exactly."
They were like 5 & 7 at the time. I still laugh when I think about it...
#19
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