People Writing Amazon Reviews Like They're Auditioning For SNL: 25 Gems

Review: "My cats are finally starting to help with rent. With this high tech laptop my cats are able to work from home. They really enjoy the modern keyboard and mouse that come with this version." - Alyssa

Review: "Well after doing my crew chiefs office in these, I went Christmas shopping and my 12 yr old daughter and I was up to our same old antics. We got Walmart good and I mean good, there is a lot of stickers and you can just go Willy Nilly with em and probably still have some. Had a lot fun, she had fun hangin with dad. I have a ton more pics but you see the gist of it" - Zach R

Review: "They're crap, but it's quantity over quality. passed them out at a protest against the westboro baptist church to drown them out. not the loudest on their own, but when you've got 70 odd angry queers kazooing in unison, well..." - E. Parker

Review: "Slapped these on my buddy's excavator...... well worth the money 🤣😂🤣😂" - Anonymous

Review: "Oh, where do I even begin with "Becky's Beaver Needs a Barber"? This literary gem has reshaped the way I view both beavers and the entire world of adult coloring books. Move over Shakespeare; there's a new bard in town.

From the moment I laid eyes on this rhyming masterpiece, I knew I was in for a treat. Who knew that the untold story of a beaver in dire need of a trim could be so profoundly moving? The depth of character development in Becky's beaver is truly awe-inspiring. I found myself emotionally invested in the fate of that furry critter in a way I never thought possible.

The rhyming wordplay is nothing short of Shakespearean, transcending the boundaries of literature itself. Each page turned felt like a poetic journey into the unexplored realms of beaver grooming. It's a tale of follicular chaos and redemption, a narrative arc that rivals the great epics of our time.

Move over, Pulitzer Prize; here comes the Beavitzer Prize for literary excellence!" - Handsome Matt

Review: "I kept her in the kitchen sink and I woke up to her stretched out on the counter, dishes done, kitchen cleaned and baked spaghetti coming out of the oven. Ain't she the best :D" - CrazyNinjaMike

Review: "10 out of 10. Would by again. Haven't pooped for a few days. Had 8 of these and out came a bologna sandwich from 2nd grade. I mean, if you want to impress your friends or a date, shovel down a hand full of these an hour before hand and your cheeks will be clapping like it just saw a premiere Broadway show in the front row. It'll let you have the whole bed at night if your the first to get in bed. The wife says my farts are louder and longer than me snoring. You'll send sonar signals to the other toilets in the house. If you're luck, someone will be on that toilet and you'll give em a little splash. Again 10 out of 10." - Robert Jordan

Review: "Worked" - Shawna

Review: "These tiny hands were the perfect addition to my Trump pumpkin Halloween porch decoration! They do have pretty short "handles," so I duct taped them to foot-long bamboo sticks, which I inserted into the suit/shirt arms for stability, which I had already stuffed with bubble wrap to give it some shape." - Ingrid C. Hanson

Review: "Got stopped by the police. I already knew why he got me (speeding) but of course, I was gonna ask him why he stopped me. I don’t have any extra money to give them so I decided to test my luck and humor. About a week ago, I purchased some fart spray and tried it on my wife, but wanted to see just how far I could push it. The bottle says to squirt about 2 sprays. Well as the policeman walks toward my vehicle I sprayed about 5 squirts. He gets to my window and asks me to get out. I said I can’t! He immediately stops in his tracks and he says lawd...what’s that? I said I have IBS and I've had an accident sir! The look on his face was priceless. I said Sir my stomach hurts and I’m trying get home because I.... (he is at my window and I didnt even finish my sentence) He grabs his face, backs up and says... Omg.. I think you need an ambulance. I said no (of course trying not to laugh...he looked worried and sick ) I live right around the corner. Policeman: YES SIR BE CAREFUL AND TRY NOT TO SPEED BUT I UNDERSTAND ITS AWFUL. HOLD ON.. I’LL ESCORT YOU! Yall, I didnt expect it to go this way but the police waited til I got out the car (he stayed in his) so I had to walk all the way to my door with my butt cheeks clinched and limpin’ like I was hurtin’! Moral of the story: Don’t have one ...but I’m going to buy a case of that fart spray. No ticket written!" - Sean C.

Review: "Reviewed in the United States on March 2, 2020 I purchased this for Halloween and it grabbed everyone's attention! I also won best funny costume that day! People just laughed all the time when they saw me tried to make copies or scan documents. It is tough to use those little T-Rex 2 fingers to type email address on the scanner." - crazy about ski

Review: "Wonderful cutout, very detailed and realistic. Very easy to convince elders he’s real by hiding him in the dark" - Melik

Review: "I purchased this item and am blown away by its effectiveness. I started this device up and immediately detected not one, not two, but five seperate UFOs in my immediate area. I am currently working on a way to communicate with what I assume is an intelligent species visiting our planet, but so far, I have been unsuccessful. I am waiting to see if this company will be selling a UFO communications device in the near future. If it is anything like this detector, I will be extremely happy. Thank you for a great product !" - Andy Sutcliffe

Review: "Love this, I hate my wife's cat but it made my wife pretty happy that the cat can come into out bedroom at will now and claw the dogs while they sleep. I installed this in just a few minutes, threw some Woodglue on to reinforce it, dried it for a few hours... boom it's sturdy and gets the job done. I hate that cat but his door is pretty cool." - Rachel & Noel

Review: "He LOVES spicy things. It took a little bit for it to kick in but when he did, he died internally. He said half the feeling in his tongue went out 🤣 took about 10 minutes, a gallon of milk, & some bread for him to finally calm back down. 10/10 recommend if you’re trying to torture someone willingly!!! Very entertaining to watch but I’d never do it 😭" - Brittany Segovia

Review: "For such a low price, this is a wonderful conversation starter with great reusability. The video is sped up by a factor of 100x." - CompuChip

Review: "I have to admit I am a bit of a reluctant cat owner. However, I've realized that I can't put off some of these conversations any longer. This book really helped give me the tools I needed in order to have the hard conversations with my cat. The chapters on abstinence, while a little uncomfortable, or particularly cogent to our cat's experience. This book has literally saved my relationship with my cat and I cannot recommend it enough. This morning I found him reading it when I woke up and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much to the author and everyone who helped create this book, you are doing God's work." - Michael Tallino

Review: "At first I wasn't sure if spending money on a sticker of an old lady with an inhaler was a good idea but once I got it I knew I had made the right choice. She keeps me company in my apartment since I don't have any actual friends, we eat, play board games, and watch tv together. We have so much in common like our love for breathing and other things. She doesn't argue like real people do and Unlike a girlfriend I don't have to take her on dates, worry about keeping her happy and she doesn't nag me for money. Overall I am 100% satisfied with my purchase." - Andy

Review: "So, as a gag gift for Christmas 2017 I decided to buy my wife the German shepherd mask. Just a joke, probably laugh once and stick it in the back of a drawer somewhere. Nope! My wife opened this and immediately started laughing. Every day since Christmas we’ve been joking around with it. Also, I have a real pure bred German shepherd who now thinks my wife is his long lost brother. I’m telling you, I thought this was a low quality gag gift mask, I could not have been more wrong. Come Halloween I will be buying more items from Creepy Party!" - The ComeBack Kid

Review: "Jeb rarely says anything after dinner, but I've come to get used to that, I can see the appreciation in his stapled jaw after feeding him with a battered rusty cut-open can of motor oil. But in the past few days the gang at the dinner table has seemed strangely quiet - distant even - and I can't really blame the grey ashen snow flitting through the makeshift tin roof of our cabin. Maybe the radiation in the atmosphere has finally exceeded the output from the microwave, but that's hearsay spread by Candy, who hasn't said a word since a few years ago. Her hair keeps falling into the soup.

I dunno. Sometimes I think I should make more friends but these fourteen have been great company through The Great Extinction. I cherish the holidays when I can spear a twitching oversized muskrat with a modified ball point pen and then use techniques learned from The Book of Allison, which I read to my mother as a child through the intercom of the decon chamber. She kept pawing at the plexiglass door in the bowels of the CDC but I knew my mother better than anyone - she was always appreciative of The Book, and I'd like to think it ultimately gave her the path to salvation.

In this perhaps is my greatest revelation, that I must leave this shanty and spread the word of The Book. It has been years since I used The Peacemaker and I have only a handful of shells remaining, but I hold steadfast that there is still good in the world and that I need not resort to violence. Stephan, only after I restrained him to the chair and halted his necrosis with a balm made of encaustic and boar grease, had said something of cannibalism spreading throughout the land, and only recently he conveyed, speaking through his empty eye socket, that there was a false religion being spread by a mammoth woman who controlled a hive mind to the South. Her teachings were antithetical to the principles of The Book of Allison, calling for deep frying mutant flesh in battery acid. The thought of it brings a distant chill to my already frozen extremities, but I know in my heart that I must persevere.

As I gather my irradiated rations and bid farewell to my crumbling friends, I look to the purple and red horizon and think of a world that need not a rebirth, but an evisceration. Rusty bowie knife in hand, feet wrapped in plastic tarp and nylon rope, goggles and ventilator covering my scarred face, I set upon the indifferent landscape of the remains of humanity with only a small spark of hope in my heart, a spark ignited only by a fork in the radiation field of mankind's greatest invention.

There is evil in the world. I have tasted of it and hold it with little dignity. But I have The Book, and The Book is Life." - blackstreek