The ‘Wellness Gap’ Is Ruining Friendships, But Here’s What You Can Do To Prevent It

There was a time when seeing your closest friends barely required planning. Someone would text “What are you doing tonight?” and, a few hours later, everyone would be sitting around the same table, giggling and having a good time. You knew who was always up for a late-night call to vent, who would never say no to a last-minute plan, and whose house you could sleep over at without any heads-up. Then adulthood started handing everyone different schedules. One friend got married, another had a baby, someone stopped drinking, someone became obsessed with running, and another started going to bed at 9 p.m. Now, when the things that once brought friends together start disappearing, the friendship might be a little harder to maintain. There may still be plenty of love, history, and affection, but finding the time or an activity that works for both people can be difficult. This is where the so-called “wellness gap” gets interesting. The question isn’t whether friends need to live the same way to stay close. It’s what happens when your lives start moving in different directions, and how you can find new ways to make the friendship work anyway. khezez | خزاز / Pexels (not the actual photo) It’s easy to assume that a friendship is either strong or it isn’t. But adult friendship is a lot more complicated than that. You can still love someone, care about them, and consider them one of your people while finding yourself less involved in each other’s lives. Research has found that friendships are shaped partly by the social circumstances around us. Who we can access, how often we see people, and the opportunities we have to interact can all affect how friendships develop and change over time. Think about a friendship that was partly held together by a shared workplace. You might have spent hours together without ever making a plan: grabbing lunch, complaining about your annoying boss, or talking on the way home. Then one of you changes jobs, and all those little connection points disappear. Once that happens, maintaining the friendship requires more intention. In a study that followed people’s personal relationships through a major life transition, researchers found that when people are no longer in the same space, it takes a conscious effort to keep the friendship going. HBO Entertainment (not the actual photo) Staying friends is one thing, but figuring out how to actually spend time together when your lives have changed is another. A friendship can survive a lot of transitions, but it helps when there’s still something the two of you genuinely enjoy doing together. That shared ground is part of what makes friendship feel rewarding in the first place. A systematic review of adult friendship describes companionship and shared activities as important parts of close friendships, alongside emotional support, trust, and intimacy. The trouble starts when one person no longer wants to do the things you used to enjoy together. Maybe the friend who always joined you for a night out has stopped drinking, or one of your friends has picked up a new hobby that takes up most of their weekends while you have no interest in it. A study looking at why people lose former best friends found that losing shared activities was a factor associated with friendships ending. This doesn't mean friends need identical interests or to agree on everything. But when the activities that once brought you together no longer appeal to both people, it can become harder to spend time together. Warner Bros. Television (not the actual photo) One friend might stop drinking while the other still sees a night out at the bar as one of their favorite ways to catch up. This can take away one of the easiest ways for them to spend time together. Interestingly, a study of young adults found that drinking could become part of how friendships were created and maintained, with shared drinking experiences helping build intimacy. The same thing can happen when one friend becomes a parent, and the other remains child-free. A spontaneous Saturday night may be completely doable for one person and impossible for the other. A longitudinal study looking at social relationships across adulthood found that parenthood was associated with a shift toward more local social ties, with less contact with friends and acquaintances. This doesn’t mean becoming a parent automatically ends friendships, but it can influence how easily friends fit into each other’s lives. Even something as basic as sleep can get in the way of friendship. Someone who considers 9 p.m. bedtime territory may have little enthusiasm for meeting a friend who is happiest going out at 10 p.m. An early riser might already be halfway through their day when their night-owl friend is waking up, leaving fewer opportunities to catch up. In fact, recent research has found that the hours people naturally keep can shape how their social lives fit together, with closer friends showing more similar sleep timing than casual friends. Plenty of other small mismatches can make friends drift apart too. With the growing focus on wellness, one person might want to spend the weekend exercising while the other would rather travel. One may be watching their expenses while the other is happily practicing the “you only live once” ideology. None of this means the friendship is doomed. It just means the old ways of spending time together may no longer work as easily as they once did. Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels (not the actual photo) Psychologist and friendship expert Marisa Franco, PhD, explains that supporting a friend in becoming the person they want to be, rather than trying to turn them into someone else, is an important part of a healthy friendship. You might not make the same choices they do, but you can still understand why those choices matter to them, especially around their health, social life, or daily routine. It also helps to see things from your friend’s side. Psychologists call this responsiveness: paying attention to another person’s needs, wishes, and circumstances, and responding with care. In friendship, this means knowing what works for your friend, even when it wouldn’t work for you, and being willing to meet somewhere in the middle. If your friend is trying to eat healthier, cut back on drinking, or exercise more, you might find new ways to hang out and encourage them along the way. You can give them space to make those choices without making them feel like they have to choose between their new habits and the friendship. In addition to all these, friendship should feel mutual. You don’t have to count who sent the last text or planned the last dinner, but there should be a sense that both people are putting something into the relationship. Franco points to reciprocity as an important part of friendship because it shows that both people are interested in maintaining the connection. When lifestyle differences start pulling friends in different directions, that mutual effort becomes especially important because neither person can always expect the other to fit into their old routine. And even when you have all of that, friends are still going to misunderstand each other, make assumptions, or occasionally wonder why the other person is being so weird. Franco notes that people in this case often avoid difficult conversations in friendships because they fear creating tension, but talking openly and empathetically about problems can strengthen the connection. Being compatible doesn’t mean never rubbing each other the wrong way. It just means caring enough about the friendship to work through those differences instead of letting them create distance. Netflix (not the actual photo) If the old way of hanging out no longer works, the answer probably isn’t to keep forcing it. It may be as simple as finding something both friends genuinely enjoy doing together now. Maybe Friday-night drinks become Saturday-morning coffee because one friend has stopped drinking. The goal is to create shared time that fits the lives both people are actually living. According to William Rawlins, a professor of interpersonal communication at Ohio University, people's expectations of close friends tend to stay remarkably consistent across life: someone to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy. What changes are the circumstances in which those needs are met and this can make friendship a little less predictable. Let's be honest, as adults, waiting for the perfect evening when everyone happens to be free can mean waiting forever. Psychologist and friendship expert Marisa Franco told the American Psychological Association that when she stopped seeing her work friends regularly, she set up a monthly meeting on the calendar to connect. A scheduled catch-up doesn’t have to feel overly formal. It can give the friendship a place in both people’s lives instead of leaving every meeting to chance. Franco also recommends telling friends things like “I value you” or “I miss you,” because those small reminders can help maintain the connection. Research on friendship maintenance has found that strong friendships include behaviors such as understanding each other, opening up, offering reassurance, and helping each other out. In everyday life, this can be much simpler than it sounds. You remember that your friend was nervous about a meeting and ask how it went. You check in about the new job they told you about last week. You send a message when something reminds you of them. These small moments can help you stay involved in each other’s lives even when you aren’t seeing each other regularly. Helena Lopes / Pexels (not the actual photo) And not every friendship needs the same amount of contact. There are friends you might talk to almost every day and others you might catch up with once a month. That difference doesn’t automatically tell you how much either friendship means. Some friendships are built around frequent conversation, while others can pick up almost exactly where they left off after a longer gap. What matters is understanding the kind of connection you have and what helps both people feel that it is still there. Of course, sometimes the distance starts to hurt. Maybe both people have noticed that they barely see each other anymore, but neither wants to be the one to say it. This is where being more direct can help. Saying, “I miss you,” or “I feel like we’ve both gotten so busy that we never see each other anymore,” can be enough to start the conversation. Franco noted that people often wait for connection to happen naturally, when maintaining it actually requires someone to initiate. Sometimes that means being the one to send the first text or admit you miss how close you used to be. Growing up can reshape a friendship without reducing how much the person means to you. The lives that once fit together effortlessly may need a little more planning now, and that can feel strange when you remember how easy it used to be. But friendship has a way of making life feel a lot lighter, and as Olaf from Frozen so memorably put it, some people are worth melting for. So, when you find the friends who matter, keep them close, find ways to stay connected in the life you have now, and don’t be afraid to be the one who reaches out first.