Most of us have that one friend who always talks too much about themselves. In many cases, we might actually, unfortunately, be that friend. Research shows that around 40% of a person's speech is about themselves. And while that can make us seem quite narcissistic, it doesn't mean we don't listen to what our friends say.
This person, however, was accused by their friends of focusing too much on themselves during their latest catch-up sesh. Apparently, the person talked too much about themselves and asked too little about their daughter and parenthood. The parents even timed it with their nanny cam, and once the friend found out, they went online to ask whether this is a normal part of friendship or a violation of boundaries and privacy.
A couple drove 3 hours to catch up with friends after not seeing each other for 8 months
After the visit, the friends accused them of talking about themselves too much and had proof on their nanny cam
Conversational narcissists exist, and they may be doing it without realizing it
Who hasn’t met a person who likes the sound of their voice a little bit too much? Of course, we can’t know if OP is really that kind of person without hearing what both sides of this argument have to say.
It’s nice when the conversation revolves around you, when people are engaged in what you’re saying, and want to hear more of what you think. The same researchers who found that around 40% of a person's speech is about themselves also noticed that answering questions about oneself floods our brains with dopamine. So, it's pleasant when someone is interested in you during a conversation, and it's similar to having a good meal, receiving money, and even moments of intimacy.
However, it is true that some people are more narcissistic than others when it comes to conversations. These types of people are actually referred to as conversational narcissists. Sometimes, they might dominate the conversation without realizing they’re doing it. Other times, their goal might be to manipulate, gaslight, or dismiss the other person.
There are different reasons why some people are more narcissistic during conversations than others. As psychotherapist Leanna Stockard, LMFT, explained to VeryWell Mind, there are four main ones:
- Insecurity and low self-esteem
- Anxiety and poor social skills
- ADHD tendencies
- Pure ego
In the case of the first three, the person might not even notice they’re doing it. This might be the case for the OP — perhaps they tend to talk about themselves more than they realize. However, some people are just plainly ego-driven and think that what they have to say is more interesting and valuable than their friends'.
People can learn to be better listeners and conversationalists
Even those who are conversational narcissists can change their ways. It’s not a medical diagnosis — it’s just a tendency to talk over people, listen to them less, and not engage during conversations. That, of course, doesn’t feel great for friends, but there are ways conversational narcissists can be more present and engaged in conversations and become better listeners.
Experts say that self-reflection is the number one step: realizing that you’re taking over conversations and not participating in them the way your friends might want you to. “Overcoming these patterns starts with building a person’s own emotional literacy and then utilizing skills to help them find a deeper connection within interactions with others,” Hannah Schlueter, MA, LAC, explains.
Conversational narcissists need to hone their active listening skills. That means listening to what a person is saying and repeating back what they heard, and only offering their perspective once the person is done.
Non-verbal cues are also important. Words aren’t the only way of communicating between people, so looking for microexpressions, a frown, a smile, and different breathing patterns can also be helpful when engaging in a conversation.
If you know you tend to hijack conversations and are bad at spotting non-verbal cues and active listening, try preparing questions and topics before meeting up with a friend. “Before meeting up with people, go in with a mindset and intention to not talk about yourself, to not share a story where you’ve experienced something similar, or share your perspective or opinion unless the other person asks,” Stockard added for VeryWell Mind.
In the comments, OP added that the parents have been having a hard time with their mental health, but that doesn't forgive their strange behavior
Many commenters sided with the OP: "That behavior is deeply disturbing"
Others suggested that OP might be a bit of a conversational narcissist
One person shared a similar story
Others questioned why the OP was even friends with these people
