61 Men Who Used To Proudly Identify As Involuntary Celibates Share Their Wake-up Calls

A lot of these stories hit so close to home. I wasn't part of any "incel" groups, but was probably what people refer to as a "nice guy."

I'm shy and awkward and used to fall hard for anyone who was nice to me. One girl really took advantage of this, saying she wanted to date eventually, "just not right now". I did so much for her, thinking it would lead to a relationship. I bought her things, fixed her car, lent her money that I knew she'd never repay.

I was absolutely heartbroken when she started dating someone else. But we remained friends and I got to hear all the reasons her new guy was awful. So I held out, thinking they'd break up and I'd have a chance.

That never happened and I ended up feeling used. I didn't take any responsibility for myself and blamed her entirely.

After that, I jumped into a relationship with another girl who cheated, manipulated, and [mistreated] me.

I saw this as a pattern and tried to find some reason for why it had happened to me when the people around me all seemed to do well with dating. Again, I blamed external factors. It must have been that I was ugly? Maybe I wasn't rich enough? Those must be the only things women care about. All women are really just out to find a man to leech off of until they stop being useful.

I started down a path of seeing women as some sort of trophy for success. Being nice didn't matter, it would actually show weakness and hurt your chances.

But what changed all that was when I joined tinder, as strange as it sounds. I joined with the intention of just trying to hook up for the first time. But almost everyone I talked to was so nice and seemed genuinely interested in me, even if I wasn't the best looking or the wealthiest guy in the world. The first tinder date I went on, she was really sweet and we spent a lot of time just talking. I didn't feel used or pitied. She ended up ghosting me, but that was ok, because my confidence was restored. It turns out my real problem was that I didn't know how to talk to women until then.

My dating life completely turned around after that and I recognize that my bitterness toward women was totally unwarranted.

I wouldn't say incel since this is when I was like, 13? 14? But whatever. I remember agreeing with the (at the time) meme mentality of "Ugghhh the friend zone hahaaa". I mean, if you've proven yourself and she only sees you as a friend, it's her fault, right?

Welp. I saw another meme that showed the opposite reaction. Where it's just a girl who enjoys their friendship with the other person, they just don't see anything romantic. And then the guy gets mad and cuts her out of his life and etc.

Seeing that made me realize "Wait. Not everyone has to act all lovey dovey with the opposite sex. Maybe they just want to be buds regardless of emotions." So, yeah. I dropped off the incel mentality pretty quickly.

I went down the red pill road a while back.

I've always had self confidence issues. I don't really stand out, I'm not super exciting, or super funny or super attractive. I'm just a wall flower.

I got into it because I was trying to challenge myself to be more social. To branch out and meet new people. But the girls I was meeting... just didn't [care]. They'd politely talk to me when I intruded on their attention. But then return their focus to whatever [jerk] they wanted to bang. Leaving me feeling confused and unappreciated.

The girls didn't care, but some of the guys seemed to notice. And figured they'd just take me under their wing. They encouraged me to fake my confidence a little better, and put myself out there more. I was less intimidated by talking to strangers. Which is good. It's the first hurdle towards meeting new people. which is what you have to do if you want to meet a person that actually likes you.

But they were also encouraging me not to take no for an answer. They were teaching me to treat it like a test and shrug it off and keep trying. They encouraged me to say and do some [messed up things] that I'm not proud of. But nothing I was doing was working, so I had to try something new. Right? The advice I was getting was coming from the "experts." The girls I was interested in were fawning over these same guys and brushing me aside. So I wanted to be more like them.

But there's a power trip related to it too. Rejection hurts. Constant rejection just eats at you. It makes you want to lash out, and hurt the people who are hurting you. If People treat you like you're nothing long enough, and you're too pushy or grabby with them. They stop treating you like you're nothing. It's a negative change. But it's still better than nothing. It's an easy way to reclaim your confidence after someone shatters it.

It's about retaking control of your life in an area of your life you feel powerless. But you can't take control like that without hurting the people in your path.

Instead I put the red pill back, and burned those friendships. I accepted that I would never have that kind of control. It'll be several months before the next time someone on tinder swipes Right on me. When I flirt with that girl at the bar, there's going to be a cringe at the edge of her smile and she's going to shy back to her friends the first chance she gets. I can't change that, I don't even understand why it happens. I see it. It hurts. And I understand why others react to that pain by lashing out.

I have a choice. I can resent everyone around me for being more likable than I am. or I can simply accept it and make do with what I've got. I don't want to hurt anybody. So I just keep to myself and do my own thing.

I read stories about incels and I relate to the pain they're going through. What separates me from them is that I don't approve of their solutions. Incels are struggling with the social aspect of their life, and they don't have anybody they can discuss their problems with except other incels. Guys just don't talk about [things] like this normally. it's considered weakness, it's not manly. We're taught to avoid these topics and just toughen up. We're taught the only emotion we're allowed to display is anger. It's like if you're depressed, and you reach out for help, and the only people you can find to listen are other people who are depressed.

I just wish positive solutions for men were easier to find and encourage with others. I think Men need to be sexualized more and in different ways so that they can build their own positive body images similar to women. I think Men need to be more supportive of each other similar to how women are. I think if Incels had these factors in their life, it would help stabilize them some and they wouldn't be lashing out so much.

I just want to feel like I'm attractive in some way.
I just want to feel like I'm appreciated.

I stopped being a mopey loser who blamed all his problems on other people and started to work on becoming a better person. Not long after that I wasn't a virgin anymore.

I never really considered myself an Incel at the time (mostly because I'd never heard the phrase) but I was very incelly in highschool, I was the type of person who would hold a door open and then wonder why girls weren't falling into my lap.

Turns out highschool me wasn't that attractive and "nice" isn't a personality. I fell very much into the Chad's n stacey's frame of mind for a while.

A lot of things changed really, but mostly I just grew up. It's a super childish view of things and just doesn't take into account that the people around you are...well people.

If someone held a door open for you, you wouldn't throw yourself at them. It's about the maturity in relationships.

I think I started off the path to inceldom. I was young and other girls weren’t crushing on me the way I was on them. I think it was my extremely low self confidence, I joined the lacrosse team and started to feel a lot better about myself and found an identity and I think that’s what pulled me out. I started to become more confident and I had more friends that I hung out with all the time.

This is back in the day, way before the use of "Incel", but here it is.

I was one of the unpopular kids. I was bullied and beat up a lot, told I was dumb and ugly, all that stuff. My father was emotionally absent, and instead chose to work all the time. My mother mostly raised me, but in a very protected way. She also died when I was 21, and I pretty much never saw my dad, and I moved out on my own after that. So there's my life history.

In highschool I would hang out with a few other guys like myself. We also would hang out with the band kids (yup) and watch the "good looking" guys get all the girls. One guy got all the girls, literally. I had no social skills and was pretty much an outcast. I played to goofy guy as much as possible. I had a few fleeting moments of a GF for a few minutes until I went overboard, creeped them out, and they ran off (sorry!)

I had a crush on most girls, which went on for years and years of me being friendzoned but desperately "waiting" for my chance. Dumb, dumb, dumb. But yeah.

One day a miracle happened. I was at a party and this just ridiculously hot chick - Suzanne - was having a fight with her boyfriend Chris. I just happened to be in the kitchen juggling knives. She thought that was cool, she liked my jokes, we flirted (I guess!) and she broke up with Chris in front of everyone in the party. In French. I happened to speak Spanish so I understood a little, but the inflection and mannerisms of the conversation made it pretty clear what was going on.

Lost my virginity to her, and dated her for a while. It was pretty cool. Except she only stayed in CA with her dad for a few weeks/months at a time, so it was mostly long distance. One day I got Chlamydia. Went to the doctor with her. Got treated. The doctor told us, together, that it was an STD and was only transmitted as such. I had never been with anyone else, and she also said the same. Looking back, I realize the doctor thought to himself "Bunch of moron kids."

So it turns out - gasp - she was [sleeping with] all sorts of guys on the side. I was totally ruined. Broke up with her 9 times and then finally swore her off on the 10th time!

I was single for a few more years, then met my now ex-wife. It was a slow slide into misery, over 11 years. In the end it was like sleeping in the same bed with my sister - totally creepy and weird. She cheated on me as well, I divorced her, moved out.

Now here's where it turns around.

I worked with a guy named Rob. He was from England, very short (5' 6"?) compared to me (6' 4"), very goofy looking with glasses, but ... he could pick up almost any woman he spoke with. It was unbelievable. He saw the idiotic way I thought about women, and tried to help me. Of course, I knew what I was doing, and refused. So we'd go out and he'd practically *force* me to speak to women, but I would chicken out. So he would, and then he'd go home with her, right before my very eyes.

I finally came to the conclusion that everything I knew was wrong, backwards, ignorant, and I simply made up all these ideas myself. I never learned anything about dating, women, relationships, etc. Rob, however, did. And so I started listening to him. And going on dates. A lot of *bad dates* but they were dates.

Turns out I was actually pretty smart, good looking, and fun to be with. Who would of known? Looking at pictures of myself when I was in my 20's and 30's I think I am downright handsome. Oh well!

Unfortunately, this was right after my divorce, and I then lost my job and had to move to get a new job. But his lessons, and my *wrongness* stuck in my head. I distinctly remember thinking to myself one day "If I am so good with cars and computers, why can't I be good with women?" **That was the switch.**

After that I ravenously read books and websites on everything to do with dating, relationships, women, being a more mature man, manners, communication, social skills, you name it. The change was nearly immediately and had near-instant results. In addition, all these changes provoked me to branch out and learn about other areas of my life that were lacking, such as leadership, finances, cooking, technology skills, and on and on. As a result, I was amazed to find not only was my personal life and happiness improving, but so was my professional life and career.

These skills took me from being a heads-down tech guy to the Helpdesk Manager, then over the years (and decades) to be the Team Lead, then the Software Engineering Manager, then the Director of Software Development. I can speak to people anywhere, anytime, and have very polished skills in person and via electronic communication.

In the end, I met a wonderful woman, I would say she is my soulmate, and we have a very nice life. I have exceeded all my dreams and had to come up with more ideas!

Bottom line? Robert was the catalyst, showing me what I refused to acknowledge about myself and the reality of the world, but the books took me from being completely ignorant of the world to being nearly fully functioning in ways that are amazing.

I looked at my messages with this one girl I was trying to get with, and how I tried so hard to ruin her relationship with her boyfriend because I was nice to her and I deserved her. I saw them, and I realized, this is awful. She saw me as one of her greatest friends and I tried to [messed] up her relationship, and when I didn't get what I wanted, I would say the most awful things. I asked myself, how am I a nice guy if I do [things] like this? I literally made her cry, multiple times. This is the sorta [things] that keeps me up at night, even though this was a few years ago. But just one day thinking about it, I realized how [toxic] my mindset actually was. I'm much better now, because I've learned from my mistakes. I apologized to everyone involved because I just couldn't get it off my mind.

I am SOOOO glad I had my teenage years in the late eighties & early nineties before the internet, let alone social media. Back then I couldn’t get a date, let alone a girlfriend. I was, to be fair, hardly a catch, suffering from persistent depressive disorder (form an orderly queue ladies!) and just generally having problems adapting. I was acknowledged to be a bit weird. I kind of accepted that it was my “fault” - which was bad for me short term but probably good (in the long term) for everyone concerned. Ultimately I had to sort myself out. But if I had had access to the sort of Incel [stuff] online around today, I fear I would have lapped it up with a spoon. A very large group of like minded people telling me it isn’t my fault?!?! I can stop moping and start hating? Fantastic! I’m in! I would have been able to celebrate my status instead of reflecting on it and changing it. I’m sure I’d have been more than tempted.

Social media has eroded, even destroyed, the concepts of privacy Gen X and before took for granted. For us to be an outsider, to be weird, was something you could do alone and grow out of - if you wanted to of course. For the later millennials and beyond, even in quarantine, there is no alone, no solitude to reflect. Everything seems to be out there looking for likes and other forms of validation my addled mid 40s brain can’t comprehend. Incels are a form of social validation that could not really have existed before social media. To get a network like that going would have been logistically and technically impossible on a scale beyond small outsider cliques in secondary schools. Now they are a movement. I somewhat pity Incels because, but for 20 or so years, I could have been one of them.

I was a being of pure hatred. I always thought it was someone else's fault. Inceldom is a state of mind which requires strength and sometimes outside guidance to overcome. One of my friends essentially gave me a proverbial slap to the face on the subject and told me exactly what to do and how to become a more better person.

In conclusion, I look back with regret and sorrow, for all the people I hurt and made uncomfortable, because I know there are many.

Edit: I've received many questions about what my friend did to help me.

My friend was and is someone I looked up to so I suppose that is an influence but basically the thing that I needed to understand was that the fact the girls who I was constantly being rejected by were just people living their best life and me whining about it wouldn't change their preferences so instead I worked on being happy without needing a gf and just letting it happen when it happens.

There's always something to be said for talking to your friends, taking the time out of your day to listen to their troubles and offering advice. It really helped me so I encourage you to do the same!

I remember when I first found the incel community, it was actually a pretty helpful place. It was more of a support group for people who were unattractive, socially awkward, ect. There wasn't any of this nice guy [nonsense] . Everyone knew why they were involuntarily celibate, and just wanted to vent frustrations and get support. It was really good for my confidence. Then the toxic masculinity started to creep in and took right over, as everyone knows.

I fell on the incel line of being not unattractive, but personality wise, all I did was play videogames. I didn't have anything interesting about my life, and so women just weren't interested in me, and I never put myself into situations to meet people.

New job with great people, I started to do different things. Played hockey for the first time at thirty. Joined the group for a couple of travelling tournaments where we got absolutely Vegas type plastered for weekends in different cities. Job is very much a hang out and chat type job (security), so talking with the women on the team on the regular starts removing the air of mystique I had built around them. Got my motorcycle licence, and did a solo trip across the states from Canada to the Mexican border, and back that same year. Started doing tough mudders, buying a season pass and traveling to any of the ones I could drive to.

Then I got tinder and just started going on dates. Had a few good, few bad, and then met my wife.

All and all, I ultimately blame a world of warcraft that held me back in my early twenties to my late twenties and just missed out on those socially formitive years.

I didn't *hate* women, but I thought that I couldn't get a chance due to some cosmic bad luck, or something. I made fun of any guy that put effort into his appearance, and wondered why girls wanted "chad" instead of a guy **who has deep conversations, like me.** *barf*

Then, I realized that I was kind of sucky-ish to be around in a lot of situations. I would panic (due to over-thinking and inexperience) 1-on-1, and I didn't dress to look good, so that probably didn't encourage people to invite me out.

Then I realized that the girls like "Chad" because he makes people feel comfortable, doesn't always talk about the meaning of life, and he always smells *Amazing*. That guy's awesome!

More than anything, I realized that I was looking at women wrong. They're not some creature that needs to be woo-ed into [intimacy] and relationships. I just talk to them like they're people, without any underlying motive. Turns out that they like that. Go figure.

So now, I'm a guy who works out religiously, takes 30 minutes to get ready, wears cologne and brushes his teeth before he goes anywhere. I also put significant effort into increasing my social skills. I do much better, primarily due to me being a much better person.

I was about 22 (fat)and became obsessed with this one girl I worked with (she was 20). She was more of a Volcel because of her family, dating outside races was a no-no and marriage was preferred.

I asked her out and she declined and I was so obsessed that she was like me and basically did all the “Nice guy” things, playing the victim and not letting it go, snobbing her any chance I could, and the passive aggressive status updates on Facebook. She did admit to kind of
liking me in the beginning but she just wasn’t that into me

Fast forward about a year and half later and I lost a bunch of weight and was obsessed with dating books to become better at handling all those negative hangups. We talked again after 6 months and found out she’s starting to see someone else. I was curious why it didn’t bother me so much, but I came to realize the reason why I was so obsessed had everything to do with my insecurities and not because she was so great. After that moment and weight loss, things went far smoother with women and relationships.

TL;DR: I realized I was an insecure guy who had to be strong for myself to be strong for somebody else.

I was a lonely kid growing up. I sort of rationalized it by looking at the "cool, quiet" or "strong but silent" archetype, and I would assume that it was cool to be the way I was. Of course, that's not how humans work, so I ended up lonely and depressed. I was (and still am) a fiend, as well as someone who deeply desired companionship. I just really, really wanted someone to love me.

So, I want love and [intimacy]. What can I do to get that? Oh I know, I'll just act like Sasuke! I thought that being quiet would make me cool and mysterious, and make the girls fawn over me. That's not how it worked out, and I was just the weird quiet kid in the back of the class. Media always shows that the nice guy wins, that the gentleman will be the one who, at the end of the day, wins the girl. So I thought that if I was just nice, good things would come my way. I did not, however, realize that I actually needed to do other things for that to happen. So when I saw all of the "Chads" getting together with all of these girls who I had crushes on (see: 80% of the female population in my school), as well as being loved by the general masses, I became bitter. I blamed the girls for being stupid and not realizing that the man of their dreams, a true gentleman, someone who would treat them right and worship them like a princess, was right in front of them. Basically, I was an idiot with no self awareness and blamed all of my problems on other people.

There wasn't really a specific point at which I stopped being an incel, I just kind of grew out of it around the time I started focusing on self improvement. I'm still a kissless virgin because social anxiety sucks, but it doesn't bother me as much now. I realized that what I wanted wasn't necessarily a girlfriend, but just friends. I wanted to feel like I wasn't some kind of subhuman being, I wanted someone to really care about me. In that regard, I'm pretty happy with where I am now.

I had a span of self-induced loathing in my early 20’s that had me in the same mindset as incels. Minus the whole urge to harass, but I blamed women for them not wanting to talk to me. For rejecting me. I believe someone up above talked about maturity and who they were in High School. I, too, was a D bag. Decent looking guy but [bad] person. Shallow is a perfect adjective for my High School self. That whole viewpoint or self-importance carried into my early 20’s and it didn’t work out well. It wasn’t until I was 27/28 and started getting into Philosophy.

Philosophy changed me. It made me self reflect and force me to be honest with myself. To hold myself accountable and also to forgive myself for all the mistakes I have made and to realize I have the power to change/improve myself. That’s when my “INCEL/Women Blaming” ended. I’m glad I survived that period of my life.

I think a lot of what goes on is how relationships in our society are portrayed. Speaking for myself, a guy that grew up in the 90’s, it always seemed that every movie the woman was the one needing saving and the way to a woman’s heart was to be a gentleman. This whimsical fairy tale taught to us at an early age sets people up for false expectations of both roles in a relationship. There really is no teaching about how hard relationships are and that no relationship should be the reason you are happy.

If I was taught that growing up maybe things would have been different for me. But that was a big personal problem for me. Trying to validate my happiness through a relationship. Left me wide open to get taken advantage of and pushed further into that toxic mindset.


But, looking back I’m glad I went through it. I finally found the love I’ve always wanted and I couldn’t be happier. My relationships feel more real now and that I have a new realization and perspective on my relationships. I DEFINITELY look at women a lot differently now and have made multiple reach outs to some classmates from high school to apologize for how much of a pig I was.

But yea “INCEL” mentality seems to come from the self-hatred/denial of one’s own faults/flaws. Women are not sexual objects. You don’t deserve their attention. They are human beings and deserve that respect.

Once, those moronic INCELs realize they wasted the best parts of their lives blaming others for their own failures instead of making changes that will be their greatest regret in life.

Knowing ,that all along, they had the power to change their situation.

In high school I was 300 pounds and my only conversations were about video games. Specifically World of Warcraft. I was nice to lots of girls. Thought I was the perfect gentleman like my mom taught me to be. I had female friends. However, I never could get a girlfriend or a girl interested in me except for one time a girl dated me a 4 hours as a dare and then publicly dumped me in the lunch room.

This caused me to start to despise women. Eventually, I learned it was my terrible hygiene and excessive weight that was causing girls to not like me. I started going to the gym and got into great shape. Lost 110 pounds, got a new style, started dressing and smelling good. All the sudden girls couldn’t get enough of me when I went to college.

Due to all the rejection I had in middle/high school, I actually developed a [dependency]. I would date a different girl every month and was notorious for one night stands. I looked at women as a game to fill my missing void. I couldn’t get enough. This went on for years until I realized I had a problem. Now years later I am married and in decent shape but not gym obsessed like before. I still see myself as both people. The guy obsessed with video games and food and then the guy who loves working out and partying. As I type this it is odd reflecting on how I lived two different lives over 15 years.

It's kind of a self fulfilling prophecy. You expect that you deserve a girlfriend (probably don't at that point because everyone starts out bumbling and inept, the girls too), then get rejected and are surprised and angry and hurt. So then you expect to get rejected and give off an angry, rejected vibe which kind of scares females (and maybe rightly so). That vibe keeps women away and you take it as further proof of your predicament.

It's a zen trick really. Once you are truly ok and content being alone, then you will be confident enough to give off the right vibe. You can take the risks necessary to find someone and take it more lightly because you are a less fragile person. It can't be faked and it's something others can practically smell. The cologne of anger and desperation doesn't smell good on anyone, male or female.

It also doesn't mean arrogance or fake bravado (which is that angry, desperate vibe in disguise). It comes with work on yourself, maturity and taking responsibility for your quality as a person.

I am 35 and didn't lose my virginity until 31. Didn't really start dating until 30. But I didn't identify as an incel, wasn't aware that was a label. I knew angry and bitter women haters was a thing. Elliot Rodger was what would come to mind when I learned about it as an actual ethos (he shot up a sorority house because nobody would [sleep with] him).

But during all my years of not dating I did feel entitled to happiness I just wasn't getting. Timing, circumstances, excuses. I always had a reason. Unhealthy hangups on women that were just unavailable stymied any moving on I could do.

For me it was periods of isolation that did the damage. I spent a lot of time alone in college, and I did not even have internet at my home or a computer. It was college, I used campus resources. And it was still during the time dating online was considered super weird so if my mind went there the societal stigma mixed with the swan song of Catholic guilt meant I didn't do anything, made no effort.

So that was more or less my situation when I graduated college and moved back in with family. I at least got more readily accessible internet (only after eight months but that's another story). But still rarely went out, even though I had a circle of friends. People change, I get drunk and make a fool of myself and assume they don't want me around anymore, etc. Video games and TV shows were big distractions. There were rare instances of meeting women online through non-dating sites. But they would be a thousand miles away and I still thought myself wrong for pursuing relationships that way.

Around 30 I just started making actual effort. There's a whole thing with when I got an iPod Touch that turned things around for me (I actually wrote it out for another comment but I'm on mobile and will link or paste if you're interested). Exercising and losing weight made me feel more confident. I was never super overweight compared to others, well below 100 pounds excess.

I got dating apps and just started chatting. I'm fairly clever and I can write, so I at least turned that into many first dates. Got a few months out of it sometimes, which was when I lost my virginity. I didn't tell her, and honestly after I didn't think of it as a huge deal anymore. I just looked at the years of missed or ignored opportunities to do anything and was just annoyed at past self. Pretty sure that night I stared at myself in the mirror eye-screaming *it's about time.*

Less than a year later I met another who I've been with ever since. That was over three years ago.

I said before I felt entitled to happiness. Sometimes over the years I would pursue taken girls or at least pine over them. I judged them for dating obvious [jerks]. But when that inevitably ended I of course never tried to get in there myself. I don't think I ever *really* hated them for it.

Maybe I was never an incel after all, just a dad and lonely guy holding onto hope.

I was an incel ally for a while until I realized how self-destructive it was. Still kissless, but i'm taking steps to improve.

I don't think I was an incel per se, but I'll tell my story. I went to a military school. It was a boarding school, but we had a good number of students who lived in the area who came to school during the day and went home afterwards. All the girls that attended fell into this category (obviously). Now the number of guys there far outnumbered the girls. My senior year there was 30 girls and something like 250-300 guys. So, yeah, the girls had their pick of the litter, so to speak. And tall, skinny, goofy looking, shy, socially awkward me, who never had much luck with the ladies out in the real world, didn't stand a chance. The phrase "slim to none" didn't apply at all. My chances were straight up "none" at that place. So of course the girls gravitated towards the guys who were good looking, or athletic, or had the gift of good gab, and never said two words to me. And of course I resented that. In my mind they were all a bunch of [jerks]. But then one day the ol' inner voice said "Dude, you're a [jerk] you know that? Can you honestly say that if the situation was reversed you wouldn't be doing the exact same thing?". And I thought "Yeah, if that were the case I'd definitely be making time with all the hotties". So after that I just let it go. Still didn't help me out with the girls there, but I felt much better about myself after that.