29 Ex Incels Share What Made Them Change Their Ways: "Desperately Lonely"

It was the song “My Poor Friend Me” by Bad Religion. There’s a verse that goes:

“Lately, I've come to see the solution,
And it begins with me.
But I'm so fallibly human,
I'll pick the lock, but will not turn the key”

And it stuck with me. I was lonely. I hated the job I worked at. I didn’t socialize because of crippling social anxiety. It all just got to a point where I just got sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself and “turned the key”. I quit my job and got a job with people my own age and common interests. Made friends. Went to parties. Went on dates. Made mistakes and learned from them. Luckily this all happened before the internet turned into what it is now. I don’t even think the term “incel” existed yet. I’m just thankful that I wasn’t radicalized online.

I wasn’t an incel per se, I have had girlfriends and I’ve dated, etc, but I had that incel energy. For me, it had a lot to do with the inability to take responsibility for my own actions. Ie, if I rage, it’s someone else’s fault, not mine.

I sought therapy and my relationships with people and myself are much healthier now, and I am in l control of my own emotions.

Partly it was because no one taught me how to socialize and as a result I was always an outsider as a kid. No one was checking if I was doing my homework or if I was brushing my teeth. I had a few items of clothing that were nothing special. Basically t shirt and jeans everyday. No one really taught me hygiene, or enforced it. So basically I was the smelly loner kid with big feelings and greasy uncut hair. I was being bullied at school and at home. Then I moved out and realized that I was just disassociating with reality. Not being in a state of constant sorrow really does wonders for your mental health. I used to joke that my life started at 22 and anything before that I can't remember. I started to groom myself for myself. Then I realized I couldn't talk to anyone. Like I just couldn't figure out what to say ever. Big ol blank anytime someone asked me a question. So I figured out that talking about hobbies makes you a more interesting person, so I started taking up hobbies. Which then led to meeting people organically and having some sort of community. Which leads to dating those people. Also tinder was new and really helped with meeting people and setting up dates. Then I also discovered conversational threading (aka listening to people) and started practicing that. It made me an ok conversationalist and engaged with what people are saying. Which people generally like. Then after a while I realized I was doing okay socially and it wasn't taking up so much energy that I didn't want to do it at all.

Honestly I partly just grew out of it and partly it was because of the situation I was in. All this happened before "incel" was a word though. But I identify my old self with some of the behaviors you'd usually see from them.

Fixing the self hate. Never hostile towards any women, but held a resentment on the "Attractive guy gets everything" standpoint. Once i realized being sorry for myself did nothing, it flipped my entire world around. It worked lmao.

I dated someone who was deep in that mindset and didn’t even realize it at first.

The moment it clicked for me wasn’t anger, it was entitlement. He genuinely believed that if he was “nice enough,” attraction should follow. When it didn’t, he’d spiral into “women only want jerks” territory.

What changed him (and eventually ended us) was therapy. He started unpacking how much of his identity was built around comparison and resentment. Once he stopped seeing women as a scoreboard and started seeing them as people with their own preferences and fears, he softened a lot.

We didn’t stay together, but he became a healthier person. And honestly, that was the win.

Oddly realizing that I don't need a woman to feel complete. I just work on myself every day by exercising, do activities I like to do and go to work.

I don't feel any hatred of women, I just don't think I understand them and I'm not meant to. Once I accepted that and started to put the focus on myself and making myself happy and working on making myself better and healthier I felt allot of the stress that was making me unhappy disappear.

I'm older now and have no interest in kids anymore and most of my interests and hobbies are either male centric or better done solo.

I was an incel for about 5 minutes. I heard of the group and could relate. It’s hard to accept that even though you know you’d be a good boyfriend, husband, and father no one else seems to see your potential and your worth.

I go to one of the communities and see the misogyny and the hatred towards women and I’m like yeah this is not me. My issues are personal, they’re not women’s fault.

Doesn't really count, but back in high school, as an edgy teen 20 years ago, I was on 4chan every day, for lack of anything better to do.


One day it clicked that those people were NOT joking about being full-on actual racists.


I do sometimes wonder how some of my fellow edgy classmates turned out after high school.

I still believe the war between the genders is a planned psyop by shadowy elites who want to divide and control the populace. They made up nonexistent issues and brainwash the average folk through media to hate each other instead rising against of those who hold all the power.

The red pill-, the feminist- and the tiktok influencers are also paid to create false narratives and to brainwash their viewers.

Hostile algorithms also personalise the users news feed to feed them raige baiting garbage 0-24.

This is why I don't want to follow these influencers anymore. I want to be a free thinker and have my own opinion on things, to make my own judgements.