Even when a couple plans how their family is going to look down to the last detail, it can change depending on the circumstances. Perhaps the parenting responsibilities feel too overwhelming, or on the opposite, having kids may seem like a breeze, so the size of the family they dreamed of shifts. But when partners aren’t on the same page about it, it can pose quite a challenge to their relationship.
A case in point is this couple, who started feeling quite the tension between them, as the wife really wanted to keep adding to their family while the husband firmly refused. The woman took all sorts of devices to get her spouse to agree, which pushed him to his limit, and he issued her an ultimatum.
When partners aren't on the same page on how many children they want, it can significantly complicate their relationship
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
As it happened to this couple, since the wife wanted more babies but the husband firmly refused
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image source: EntryOk9946
When partners can’t agree on having more kids, it happens because they had a stressful experience last time around
Image credits: Toa Heftiba (not the actual photo)
When partners can’t agree on whether they should expand their family, this often happens for two main reasons, says licensed psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten. The first one being a stressful experience with a previous child. The experience may not have gone well because the baby could’ve been colicky, the parents had postpartum depression, they struggled with finances, and many other reasons.
In this case, one of the parents might want a new baby so that the experience goes better than last time, now that they have more confidence and experience in a parental role. While the other might be traumatized by the experience and want to move forward to the stage where their kids are already more independent so they can have more time as a couple.
The second main reason Dr. Whiten indicates for not agreeing with a partner about an expansion of the family is marital problems. “When there is marital discord at the heart of why one partner doesn’t want another baby, often this is because the couple might split up and one partner believes it would be worse to do this to more kids,” she explains.
When a couple finds themselves at a crossroads of whether to expand their family or not, Megan Kozak, a couples therapist, says partners should understand their own concrete reasons for wanting another child. Exploring this a bit more can help articulate it to the other person better.
“It’s really hard for most people to be able to explain it, because sometimes they don’t necessarily even know how to put the words around it themselves, or understand what matters so much. And it’s so fascinating as we start to dig into it a little bit and get curious rather than defensive,” she says. “If we’re able to lean in towards our partner and say, ‘Help me understand, because that doesn’t fit the picture that I had in my head. Where does that come from for you?’ there’s a real gift.”
“It requires a lot of communication to work through this issue of having more kids"
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Then, clinical psychologist Dr. Erika Doukas suggests exploring the pros and cons of having and not having more children. At the same time, try to understand where each partner is coming from, adds Victoria Woodruff, LMSW, MSW.
“Does one partner want more kids because they feel their biological clock is ticking? Do they feel pressure from family? Are they having trouble connecting to a child you already have? Do they not want to have kids because of financial stress, or because they are feeling overwhelmed, wanting some of that freedom they lost back?” she inquires.
“These are conversations that need to be had. If you can understand why your partner has the position they do and communicate yours, you are far more likely to come to an understanding.”
It’s very important that a couple comes to a unified agreement, as compromise can lead to resentment, says Stephanie Wjilkstrom, MS, LPC, MCC. That said, they don’t have to come to a decision immediately. Instead, they can talk about it over time, says Dr. Dana Dorfman, MSW.
“It requires a lot of communication to work through this issue of having more kids, and can be revisited at several points throughout the marriage, or over the course of childbearing years. People evolve and change as they develop and navigate different life stages. It’s very possible that on the heels of having a kid, one partner may feel very strongly about not having another, and then a year later, they’ll change their mind,” she says.
“If one partner is completely unwilling to discuss it at one point, but would be open to revisiting it in six months, there is value in setting a time to talk about it in six months, and that’s okay.”
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