It takes a while to truly get to know someone. After all, gaining an accurate understanding of a person's values, dreams, and quirks usually requires more than one conversation. Usually, but not always. Sometimes, people have such incompatible traits or beliefs that we sense it right away.
So when Reddit user Velcroshell asked everyone on the platform to share the things they'd heard on a first date that prevented a second one, the responses started pouring in. Continue scrolling to check out the submissions, and don't miss the chat we had with therapist Jourdan Travers. You'll find it in between the stories.
#1
We went to a club where there were lots of dancing. There was a woman there who was clearly trashed and blacked out on the dance floor. I don't know how she was still standing upright as she looked like she shouldn't be. I said to my date (I was 30, F) that I wanted to find her friends and make sure she got home safe and that that made me sad and worried for her. And my date said, "Well most girls have fantasies about being r*ped, so she probably would like it."
Needless to say, I rejected his offer to stay over that night, and braved the NYC subway at 2am instead. There was no second date.
Needless to say, I rejected his offer to stay over that night, and braved the NYC subway at 2am instead. There was no second date.
166points
To gain a better understanding of the dos and don'ts on a first date, we got in touch with Jourdan Travers, LCSW, a licensed clinical therapist and clinical director of Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching to individuals, couples, families, and organizations in over 40 countries worldwide.
According to her, if you want to know if things are going well, ask yourself if your date is genuinely interested in learning more about you and if they ask questions and answer the questions you ask them.
"First dates are meant for getting to know a person and seeing if there's a connection or the potential for one," Travers told Bored Panda. "Do you share similar interests, hobbies, or a sense of humor? It's an opportunity to keep things casual, without the pressure of a fancy dinner or adventure followed by an expectation of intimacy."
#2
For context, I have cerebral palsy. I am well-adjusted so it's not always obvious but I needed tons of OT and PT growing up, and I currently have a hard time with balance, spatial perception, and muscle control.
I landed a date with this very hot girl; ticked off all the boxes I liked and she was very sweet to boot. By all accounts the date was going perfectly. We were both having a great time, we held hands briefly, and the time seemed to fly by.
Towards the end though we decided to take a subway to a bar I really liked across town and she saw a sign that stated seated passengers would need to surrender their seats to elders and/or disabled people who need them. She blatantly said that she hates disabled people getting accommodations, said disabled people are drains on society, and expressed her view that if someone is disabled enough to need a special parking spot or a seat then they should commit themselves to "homes". Her tone did a 180 and I couldn't believe it, she became like a different person for a minute.
I finished the date but in my head I realized that no amount of external sexiness could make up for internal nastiness. An hour-ish after I got home she texted me saying she had a wonderful time and asked me on a second date, and I apologized and said no, not interested. She asked why and I told her that I was in fact a disabled person and was hurt by her comments on the subway, and she never responded. One of my friends was annoyed that I turned down such a hot girl, until I explained all of what happened. That was that.
I landed a date with this very hot girl; ticked off all the boxes I liked and she was very sweet to boot. By all accounts the date was going perfectly. We were both having a great time, we held hands briefly, and the time seemed to fly by.
Towards the end though we decided to take a subway to a bar I really liked across town and she saw a sign that stated seated passengers would need to surrender their seats to elders and/or disabled people who need them. She blatantly said that she hates disabled people getting accommodations, said disabled people are drains on society, and expressed her view that if someone is disabled enough to need a special parking spot or a seat then they should commit themselves to "homes". Her tone did a 180 and I couldn't believe it, she became like a different person for a minute.
I finished the date but in my head I realized that no amount of external sexiness could make up for internal nastiness. An hour-ish after I got home she texted me saying she had a wonderful time and asked me on a second date, and I apologized and said no, not interested. She asked why and I told her that I was in fact a disabled person and was hurt by her comments on the subway, and she never responded. One of my friends was annoyed that I turned down such a hot girl, until I explained all of what happened. That was that.
144points
#3
He told me he didn’t feel comfortable that I was pursuing a doctorate because he didn’t like women who thought they were smarter than he was.
133points
Quantifiable data supports these sentiments. Last year, social and behavioral health psychologist James Moran examined dating behaviors using the Netflix show "Dating Around" as a basis for his analysis.
Together with his team, Moran conducted two studies. One looked at the actions used on a first date and the other determined how effective they were. For the first study, participants were asked to list behaviors they believed would lead to successful first dates. The second involved coding the dating behaviors from the Netflix show "Dating Around" to rank their power in landing a second date.
#4
"I'm posting everything we say on Instagram. And I'm getting suggestions on what to ask you from my followers".
Went "to the toilet" and left.
Went "to the toilet" and left.
130points
#5
”Poor people shouldn’t get any help. They should just stop being poor.”
I can’t believe I went on a date with an actual Meme.
I can’t believe I went on a date with an actual Meme.
128points
The results of Moran's work also revealed that:
- Men reported that deep conversation was the primary technique they would use, while women focused mostly on telling jokes and being funny. Other popular behaviors were complimenting, listening, and trying to be kind.
- Women were also the ones who said that they would consider kissing on a first date and that getting too drunk during a first date is a bad idea.
- Women thought that men would be more successful on the first date if they followed traditional etiquette norms, such as being attentive, polite, and kind.
- Men claimed that women who engaged in "involvement" behaviors, such as flirting, holding hands, complimenting, and drinking alcohol, would generally do better on a first date.
#6
"Are you sure you want to eat that?"
I wanted some fried banana peppers in addition to my small salad.
I was also 118lb and exercised regularly.
Good thing that dude was a jerk because I was on the fence about canceling my drinks date with another guy if this one went well. Luckily Mr. Judgy McJudgerson was not it, and the man I may have canceled became my husband. Thank you, Bachelor Number One, for being an a*s.
I wanted some fried banana peppers in addition to my small salad.
I was also 118lb and exercised regularly.
Good thing that dude was a jerk because I was on the fence about canceling my drinks date with another guy if this one went well. Luckily Mr. Judgy McJudgerson was not it, and the man I may have canceled became my husband. Thank you, Bachelor Number One, for being an a*s.
119points
#7
Bro yelled at our uber driver for being a couple minutes late. I was mortified to be on a date with someone who treats service workers like s**t.
111points
#8
She said something to the effect of, "I have two kids. Don't waste my time unless you plan to be a father to them." I'm ok with kids but not with that approach.
101points
However, "it's best to avoid deeply personal topics when going on a first date," added Travers, who also contributes to the website Therapy Tips, a news and publishing division of Awake Therapy.
"The purpose of a first date is to get to know the other person and see if there's potential for a connection. While discussions about money, sex, religion, and politics are important, they're not necessary during the initial meeting." You can delve into these subjects later, after the two of you have already established some rapport.
#9
"You're not Black enough for me."
When my date told me this, I excused myself to the bathroom and dipped out the side door of the restaurant, leaving her with the check.
When my date told me this, I excused myself to the bathroom and dipped out the side door of the restaurant, leaving her with the check.
100points
#10
As I exited my car in the parking lot to meet up for dinner:
“OMG! YOU LIED!!! YOU SAID YOU WERE 5’8”!!!! YOU ARE AT LEAST 5’10” IN HEELS! DO YOU NOT SEE HOW EMBARRASSING THIS IS FOR ME?????”
I immediately got back in my car and drove away…
We hadn’t even greeted each other yet. He just angrily screamed this at me from 20 feet away… He is 5’10”. I had no problem with him being 5’10”, but apparently he does? It was a weird interaction.
“OMG! YOU LIED!!! YOU SAID YOU WERE 5’8”!!!! YOU ARE AT LEAST 5’10” IN HEELS! DO YOU NOT SEE HOW EMBARRASSING THIS IS FOR ME?????”
I immediately got back in my car and drove away…
We hadn’t even greeted each other yet. He just angrily screamed this at me from 20 feet away… He is 5’10”. I had no problem with him being 5’10”, but apparently he does? It was a weird interaction.
99points
#11
“Don’t call me. My husband checks my phone”.
95points
#12
Within seconds of my arrival, he mentioned that he needed the Medical Examiner to hurry up and release his wife's death certificate, because he needed the insurance money for a business he was starting. She "drowned in the bathtub while drunk."
His first wife allegedly died in an accidental fall.
The major airline he flies for has a serial k*ller in its ranks.
His first wife allegedly died in an accidental fall.
The major airline he flies for has a serial k*ller in its ranks.
94points
#13
We walked into a bar and most of the people there were Black. No big deal, I live in a southern city that’s mostly Black, segregation might exist here, but you’ve got to work for it.
She had just moved to my city, so wasn’t accustomed to this I guess, she took one look around and said “do you want to go somewhere where there’s more people like us?” I thought she meant lesbians, so I said sure, and suggested a bar a lot of lesbians go to.
We get to the bar, lo and behold it’s roughly 50/50 split between Black and white folk. She said “there’s still so many of them”. I *finally* asked what she meant.
Bold as day she said “Black people. There’s so many Black people”. Date over.
She had just moved to my city, so wasn’t accustomed to this I guess, she took one look around and said “do you want to go somewhere where there’s more people like us?” I thought she meant lesbians, so I said sure, and suggested a bar a lot of lesbians go to.
We get to the bar, lo and behold it’s roughly 50/50 split between Black and white folk. She said “there’s still so many of them”. I *finally* asked what she meant.
Bold as day she said “Black people. There’s so many Black people”. Date over.
93points
#14
"I have to live with my Mom because all three of my baby mama's insist that I pay child support".
NopeNopeNopeNopeNope!
ETA: I think I need to add that, he wasn't mentioning it, he was COMPLAINING about it. Like "if these women didn't insist on child support, I would be able to move out" and "I have to put dinner on my credit card because I'm always broke because I have to pay child support"...I paid for my own meal, BTW. Which I don't mind doing, I always insist on the first date so they don't think I "owe" them something in return, but he had to out his $12 Denny's meal (yes, he insisted on Denny's) on a credit card.
NopeNopeNopeNopeNope!
ETA: I think I need to add that, he wasn't mentioning it, he was COMPLAINING about it. Like "if these women didn't insist on child support, I would be able to move out" and "I have to put dinner on my credit card because I'm always broke because I have to pay child support"...I paid for my own meal, BTW. Which I don't mind doing, I always insist on the first date so they don't think I "owe" them something in return, but he had to out his $12 Denny's meal (yes, he insisted on Denny's) on a credit card.
92points
#15
"I expect my women to be shaved from below the eyebrows".
92points
#16
I had a dude do nothing but monologue about his ex the entire date. He kept repeating the same “but I’m totally over her” line. It got so bad he even started showing me pictures and her social media (showing me that she was dating someone new now)
I kinda just realized this dude needed someone to talk to in that moment and I really had nothing better going on so f**k it, speak your truth man.
The date was 2.5h long.
I kinda just realized this dude needed someone to talk to in that moment and I really had nothing better going on so f**k it, speak your truth man.
The date was 2.5h long.
91points
#17
He was going on about a boys trip he took with his old college buddies, and I started tuning out. Then he said **"and my friend, Rob, was like 'wait until these b***hes figure out we're not choking them because they like it!' hahaha!"**
It took me way too long to fully comprehend what he was saying. Like dude, you're telling me you hate women (or your friend does, and it amuses you) on our first date. Are you aware I am in possession of a v*gina? That was the end of that.
It took me way too long to fully comprehend what he was saying. Like dude, you're telling me you hate women (or your friend does, and it amuses you) on our first date. Are you aware I am in possession of a v*gina? That was the end of that.
83points
#18
She called her ex boyfriend "cheap" because he would only take her out to eat 2-3 times per week and cooked the other days.
82points
#19
Had a date with a guy who interrupted me several times and then told me "I just really love interrupting you because you make this word face when I do." I ended the date about 5 minutes later.
Edit: I did mean "weird" not word 😅.
Edit: I did mean "weird" not word 😅.
82points
#20
We had a great time at bar 1 and proceeded to bar 2. Immediately arriving at bar 2 music was playing and people were dancing. She started making fun of a woman just dancing enjoying herself. She even got other peoples attention around us and pointed at the dancing lady. I skipped out when she wasn’t looking.
81points