While parents are obligated to support their children throughout their lives, many would argue that there is an age limit. Some may say the assistance ends at 18, while others accept extending it until the child finishes their education or when a crisis hits along the way.
But what about providing support for a fully independent adult child in their 40s who is married with kids? Quite unheard of for many people, but as this story shows, it happens. Here, a man wanted to cut funding for his 40-something adopted son, but got brutally shut down by his wife.
Not only was he accused of being “too mean,” but he was also viewed as a massive jerk by his family.
A parent providing financial support for their adult child in their 40s is quite unheard of for the most part
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
This is what a couple did for their 40-something son, who is married with children
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
And when the dad wanted to cut the funding, his wife shot him down
Image credits: Razzmatazz1961
Parents continue to support a child financially later in life out of concern for a possible “emotional response"
The mom’s hesitance to cut financial support for her 40-something son could be her way of avoiding a potentially stressful situation. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Ellie Miller, the parents see this show of support as a way to feel “short-term relief.”
“If the parent begins to establish financial boundaries, this often elicits an emotional response from the adult child and stress for the parent,” Dr. Miller told Bored Panda. “This ‘relief’ is extremely difficult to move past because it provides momentary comfort and a feeling of peace, until the cycle begins again.”
But why does this dynamic occur, to begin with? According to licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Berglund, it all ties back to the parenting strategies used on the child.
“If your child is sitting at home all day playing video games and you pay their bills, you’re enabling them,” she explained. “If they are working and struggling to make ends meet, that may be support. The line is: if you took your support away, would your adult child drown?”
Berglund also pointed to some parents' inability to prepare for the reality that their child will one day move out and become an adult. When this happens, they will also think about their son or daughter in a “child way.”
Empowerment and positive reinforcement are effective ways to gently encourage an adult child to be financially independent
What may have ticked off the wife was her husband’s seemingly adamant push for their son’s independence. According to experts, empowerment along with some positive reinforcement may help smooth the transition.
UK-based psychotherapist Hannah Campbell urges doing things in phased stages while also setting firm but kind boundaries.
“If the parents are incredibly worried about managing that rupture, they could seek financial support in terms of education and/or family therapy to repair the structure,” she said, noting that this may allow the child to step into being a fully functioning adult, while allowing the parents to “reclaim this chapter in their lives as their own.”
Meanwhile, licensed marriage and family therapist David Lieberman urges parents to introduce their child to different ways to achieve success. He says that while there must be an open line of communication about hopes and dreams, there shouldn’t be an “undercurrent of ‘shoulds’ and sneaky expectations.
“Letting our kids feel fully heard in their fear(s) without responding with pithy advice is magic and can help transform our relationships as we all grow older - together,” he said.
The dad’s intent may be in the right place, but the way he conveys the message clearly doesn’t sit well with his wife. They may need to sit down to have a heart-to-heart conversation, but if that doesn’t work, professional help may be necessary.
The author clarified some details in the comments section
Most readers, however, saw no fault in him and instead pinned the blame on his wife
