Even when we think we've left our childhood bullies behind, unfortunately, some people never outgrow that persona. In fact, nearly one in three US adults report that they have been bullied, which often negatively impacts their health.
Redditor cChance_Digc was even engaged to one without knowing it. This came to light after an encounter with his ex-girlfriend, who received his fiancée’s rude comments about her body. When he heard this, he decided to take action, as he refused to be married to a bully.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with Dr. Maria Espinola, a Harvard-trained psychologist and the CEO of the Institute for Health Equity and Innovation, who kindly agreed to answer some of our questions about adult bullying.
Bullying doesn't always stop once we grow up
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
This man learned this after he heard his fiancée bullying his ex-girlfriend
Image credits: Liza Summer / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image source: cChance_Digc
Adult bullying can cause injury or discomfort to another adult
Image credits: Keira Burton / pexels (not the actual photo)
Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Maria Espinola, a Harvard-trained psychologist and the CEO of the Institute for Health Equity and Innovation, who defines adult bullying as "a pattern of aggressive behavior that involves repetitive and intentional acts that cause injury or discomfort to another adult. The reasons vary, but they can include learned behaviors, a history of trauma, and personality traits."
Some of their behaviors typically include invasion of personal space, insults, public shaming, condescending jokes, threats, and unwanted personal contact. They can be an intimidating boss or colleague, a controlling romantic partner, a family member, or a social acquaintance.
According to Espinola, such behavior is quite common, especially online. "Bullying is more prevalent in online environments because the bully can opt to remain anonymous and often avoid consequences for the bullying behavior. "
Several types of adult bullies can be distinguished, including material ones, who use their authority and power of finances in a boss's or manager’s position to control or intimidate others. Another one is a verbal bully who shames and insults the other person with critical or teasing words. The language they use is often sexist, racist, or homophobic.
There’s also passive-aggressive bullying, which is the most unexpected, as they can act friendly but then suddenly change into a foe. They may roll their eyes, make rude facial expressions, and mock the other person by mimicking. Additionally, they engage in gossip, sarcasm, hurtful jokes, and the isolation of their targets.
The last two are a cyberbully and a physical bully. The former acts on their victims through a computer or any other electronic device, while the latter often exhibits violent physical acts like raising fists and throwing and breaking objects.
For many adult bullies, such tendencies originate from a troubled home
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Even though such oppression among adults is fairly common, there seems to be a shortage of both material and conversation surrounding it. Some suggest that we talk less about it because it might have potentially bigger consequences than it did in childhood, like losing our job, relationships, or reputation. It’s also often more masked and sneakier, which might leave the person doubting if it’s truly happening.
However, discussing this issue should be less taboo, as it’s more contagious than good behavior and greatly affects our mental health. As a consequence, both the victim and the culprit often face behavioral problems, emotional issues, an increased risk of mental health conditions like depression, and reduced self-esteem.
Robert Sutton, author of “The A-hole Survival Guide: How to Deal With People Who Treat You Like Dirt,” explains that for many adult bullies, such tendencies originate from a troubled home. “Perhaps they had role models around them who treated others with disrespect and advised that to get ahead in life, you should crush others and treat them like dirt,” he says. In fact, many bullies don’t feel good about themselves, and the only way they can feel good is to put others down.
Espinola suggests that one of the first steps in dealing with an adult bully is to report them by following established guidelines. "If the bullying is too difficult or impossible to control (e.g., in online environments), then practicing positive self-talk can help," she adds.
She also advises not to forget that we can't always control other people's resentment. "I often ask patients who have been bullied to think about the most beloved, beautiful, and popular person in the world. Regardless of who they think that person is, I ask them to look up the comment section under their videos or photos. Inevitably, they always find hateful comments. I ask them to do this exercise to remind themselves that no matter how beautiful and beloved a person is, they will have haters, and "haters gonna hate."
The author happily chatted with people in the comments, revealing even more about the situation
The fiancé was titled as not wrong by most
However, some thought that breaking up over such a thing wasn't fully considerate
