“Completely Separate”: Woman Is Worried About Fiancé’s Desire To Not Share Income

Talking about money with a partner is seldom fun, but it’s an important part of cohabiting. But without trust, clear communication, and similar values, finances can be a relationship minefield, if not approached correctly. But the sensitive nature of money often makes it very difficult to start an honest conversation.

A woman turned to the internet for advice when she learned that her wealthier Fiancé wanted their finances to be completely separate. She detailed the discussion and his thinking behind the matter and wondered if she was being unreasonable to want more.

Ultimately, a relationship built on love, trust, and solid communication can and will prevail, but marriage specialists do indicate that there has to be a positive balance between good interactions and bad interactions. Some research suggests that by and large, for every negative interaction, there need to be at least five good ones, otherwise the relationship may start to deteriorate over time. It’s pretty easy to see how money and how people feel about it can pretty easily constitute negative emotions, particularly if, like in OP’s story, at least one partner feels unhappy about how it’s managed.

This sort of marriage maintenance is important because, as some specialists note, just being together may not be enough for most couples. People grow and change, and daily annoyances always arise. As C.S. Lewis wrote from the perspective of a devil trying to destroy a person in “The Screwtape Letters,” “When two humans have lived together for many years it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which are almost unendurably irritating to the other. Work on that. Bring fully into the consciousness of your patient that particular lift of his mother's eyebrows which he learned to dislike in the nursery, and let him think how much he dislikes it. Let him assume that she knows how annoying it is and does it to annoy - if you know your job he will not notice the immense improbability of the assumption. And, of course, never let him suspect that he has tones and looks which similarly annoy her. As he cannot see or hear himself, this is easily managed.”

The unfortunate truth is that a lot of small annoyances can erode a relationship if not properly managed. A longitudinal study conducted among Polish couples found that in most cases relationship satisfaction was closely related to how effectively the pair would communicate about money. Obviously, a couple that can communicate about money will likely communicate well about other issues, but it’s important to acknowledge that money is an important factor in 21st-century life. While OP does understand that she is not entitled to her husband-to-be’s money, this doesn’t change the fact that living with a partner isn’t the same as having a roommate. But without further details of how he intends to “share” or perhaps not share, it’s difficult to know how this relationship will work.

While money might seem like an unpleasant and ugly topic from the perspective of a relationship, it’s important to realize that we aren’t talking about greed or amazing untold wealth. For most people, money equals comfort and security, with an emphasis on the latter. A feeling of security is actually very, very important for any relationship. Studies have shown that if even one partner does not feel secure, it negatively affects the long-term prospects of any relationship. While OP might not be afraid of starving or becoming homeless (unless her fiancé is legendarily stingy,) it’s easy to see how uncertainty might give her a lot of stress.

Ultimately, OP’s fiancé might have to decide if he values sole access to his money over the mental well-being of his wife. Successful relationships nearly always require both partners to share goals and values, as compromise is possible, but tends to lead to lots of resentment, which is toxic for most relationships in the long run. Hopefully, OP can sit down with her partner and work out the specifics of how they will manage money in the long run.